July is almost over... 24 hours and it will be the last day of the seventh month of the year. Wow it has gone by so quickly this year. Of course's  logically I know that it's the exact same amount of time, but it just seems like its moving fast. I should be huge and pregnant and waiting for the birth of a new baby--but nope it's not happening for me. My due date was sept 6th this year and most days I don't think much about the miscarriage and then other days I realize the gestational period I should be and I feel so empty My oldest son Scott keeps wanting us to take care of his son who is a year old, and I just can't. I know that makes me the most insensitive cold hearted grandmother in the world. But I can't understand why they get a child and don't appreciate his life and I get a glimmer of hope and then boom it's taken away ( if you've followed my story then you know scott isn't my bio son )   I know it isn't the baby fault who is his parents are and that I should do better--TRUST ME I KNOW-----but I can't help the way I feel . I want to finish the foster care process and get that license but part of me is scared of that too. What if we get a little girl ans she is the dream we have been waiting for and then she too is taken away --could my already broken heart handle that ? I tell myself that maybe helping children when they need me the most could help the healing process and repair the broken pieces of my heart and soul... But would it every stop hurting to see a beautiful sweet little blond haired girl and wonder why mine isn't here ? ? I watch Aiden ( 5) play and I am still amazed that he is my child and I am always fearing the worst is going to happen. He is smart and caring and the love and bond we share is wonderful.  I love the other boys the same and we each have a different bond. I would be lying if I said that the bond is the same as it is with Aiden. They know that I am their biggest fan and that I will also tell them the truth good or bad but also that no matter what I will love them. They have been given the opportunity to contact their birth mom and they have chosen at this point not to . Not sure if I am happy about that or sad for them. I couldn't imagine not being in Aidens life every single day , and I really don't see myself making the choices that their birth mother made ( and it wasn't drugs)
I have been struggling with the choice of homeschool. public or private school for him this year and I am worried that I will make the wrong choice for his future -- sure wish this choice wa easier. or that I could see the future