Negative

Well the pregnancy test was finally negative , so I'm hoping that means all the HCG hormone is out of my system . Of course it could still be too high since pregnancy test only test positive or 25miu or more , but at least that means it's going the right direction . Then last night I had this horrible pain in my left side , it was almost making me double over, I thought it was probably an ovarian cyst or something messed up with my tube ( usually for me it's always the bad ) then as I was walking through the house to go get some ibuprofen, an app on my phone sent me a notification that this was my fertile window ???????-- I thought for a second and then said ok then let's see. And the the OPK showed two lines , I couldn't believe it . Now I have read that PCOS and OPKs aren't reliable together . But of course hubby's was worried about the pain and came to see if I was ok and he saw the test !!!!!! He shifted into some kind of reproductive master mode. Of course y'all know what we did ..... And he said don't move, don't sit up stay still --WOW where did this all come from , he hasn't said one word about trying again after the miscarriage , but apparently he does. So now I suppose we are going to try and pretend we aren't on that roller coaster every month ! And now I am gonna feel like I am letting him down every month if it doesn't happen and if it does the chances for another miscarriage are high and how could we handle that again ?   Why does Mother Nature have to be so cruel , for many years my body wouldn't ovulate when I was young enough to have quality eggs and a healthier body and now that I'm over 40 , I ovulate AND get pregnant but their is some issue that won't allow me to carry to term. Is it egg quality ? I have ordered and been taking a supplement ( ovaboost) that is supposed to help with that issue but surely if this cycle was successful it wouldn't be enough in my system to make a difference ! And the cassava I started at the same time , which is supposed to work like clomid and cause OHSS , it couldn't work that quickly-- could it ????? Guess we will have to just see what is in the stars for us .

    On to another part of our life , Aiden has caught a cold/ virus and been running a fever. He is four (5 in July ) and this will be only his second cold his entire life , once he had a near infection while we were staying in a motel with his father who was working out of town. But his immune system is usually pretty strong , so I'm trying to keep him hydrated and comfortable , while disinfecting the rest of the house to protect the rest of us . He woke up this morning and immediately asked for a Popsicle to make his mouth cool off .. Poor little guy ,breaks my heart that he's feeling crappy and I can't do anything about it !! And the snow is here and so prettying and he wants to go make a snowman! How do I say no -- we hardly get snow in NC and kids grow up so fast , what if I say no and miss out on some great memories he could have, and what if I say eyes and his cold becomes something more than a cold ???   The older boys were sick so much more when they'd were his age. Partly I believe because their lack of nutritional foods and that their dad smoked and their birth mom wasn't the healthiest person either so I'm assuming she didn't eat healthy while pregnant . I will never understand why women like her can have babies as easy as breathing and then take it and the children for granted. And I know all these amazing women  who struggle and eat as perfectly as they can just to be sure . 

After losing Allison in 2009 to incompetent cervix and then two IUIs to conceive Aiedin the next year, I made sure to eat as healthy as I could , when I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes at 14 weeks I ate EXACTLY like the nutritionist told me to ,I would carefully measure every morsel that went in my mouth . The entire pregnancy I cheated ONE time and ate a fun size snicker bar, the guilt from that tiny little bit of indulgence was so much that i was never tempted again to cheat. I had a list of foods that I could eat as much as I wanted and no worries, I remember celery, and green beans being on that list and I ate so many green beans that it's a wonder he wasn't born looking like the hulk !!!!!!! Ironically these are his favorite veggie now.

Attempting normal

well I woke up this morning and for the first time I didn't take a pregnancy test. I decided to wait another day and try to get back to a normal a routine an

Do hope the peace from all this comes soon. I showered and treated myself as if I were going somewhere special , yummy lottion , the special occasion perfume and applied make-up , even though I know I'm not leaving the drive due to the weather . I did out pajamas back on but I figured at least I was working on it and starting to live myself a little more a. I opened our front door onto our newly finished covered porch and despite the cold took my coffee and a blanket and sit in the swing a enjoy the clean crisp air of freshly fallen snow. it seemed relaxing and sort of healing to my should and heartache , and I looked out to the snow covered trees and saw five of the most beautiful cardinals , my grandmother loved and treasured Mother Nature and especially the birds, with cardinals and blue jays being her very favorite . I feel as if it's her sending me a sign of love and encouragement that she is with me in spirit . So that was one of those happy tear moments because her love was one of a kind and I could really use one of the visits with her, where she used to just sit and hold your hand and lightly uh your arms with her fingernails while telling stories that always seemed to amaze me at how they made me feel better .  Took some great photos and I am going to edit them and post them when I learn how on here.

I have been reading a great book " wishing on baby dust" and it a wonderful story for ladies who are struggling to become mommies, but it also  grabs your heart strings and makes you feel the pain of these families a, more so if you've been through one of these situations. I am almost finished and it is causing such strong emotions today that I had tears for the entire time I was reading and then the inertia of the anxiety , so I had to brake down and take half of my anxiety med , which I was completely off of since I found out about the pregnancy , and did not want to need it again. But I know my body and I knew I was sliding toward ps the wrong place. I chose to come here and pour my heart out and stop the story until I can release these emotions for a bit. 

  I asked I god to help me come to peace with his decision to take my baby back ? I am still struggling with the why us and why does he seem so cruel, we will never know the answer to those 2 questions 

And it may be a good reason , maybe he's protecting us from something far more painful aa. At least that is what I tell myself to make it through the really bad days .  I also read another post who said once she came to terms with the miscarriage she had a discussion with the baby and said its time for us to let go and begin to heal and she said that within an hour she had completely finished her miscarriage , now I am working on letting go even though my baby is gone and has been since the D&E , I wonder too if I gave my body and heart permission to let go would it help ?

   Still taking the pregnitude powder in the morning and the ovaboost and cassava in the evenings and I haven't a noticed a huge change but I have seems to gotten he my appetite back ( isn't the side effect I wanted ) but maybe it's a sign that this may a help even a bit. I want to have another baby but what if the plan for me is to continue with the foster care program. I truly qbelieve I can make a child feel loved and treasured because I know what a miraculous gift they are, even if I have them for a short period of time, I have been having daydreams of that perfect little girl coming into our home and being ours forever , but I also want to be the woman who not only helps a child but can also help the parent and work with them and be in this as a pseudo family and not just the lady who has my baby, I know that won't always happen that way, but I r early want to try. I don't know if that was my last pregnancy, but I do know that I am not through nurturing and loving ,

waiting for the -

I have been taking pregnancy tests since the day after the D&E and hoping for the negative one ? Wowo that's a huge change in my normal routine ... This morning it was almost a negative - it didn't get the second line until after I had finished my shower , and I tested in the evening ( yep I have been testing more than once a day ) it took longer than ten minutes to get the 2nd line. I am assuming that's a good indication that the HCG is working it's way out of my system. I honestly did not want to be on this TTC trip again . I think the quit trying and it'll happen that you despise hearing when you're actively trying is what has worked for us. SO how do I now not be checking the signs and having timed sex ? How can I just let it be what it is ??? I truly want another child but I'm guessing that the quality of my eggs isn't great since the two times I have conceived naturally have ended in miscarriage. This time I will have the pathology report to know if it was chromosomal or something else. I wonder if knowing that info has ever put anyones mind at ease ? I have found some great books on my my kindle that are truly helping me get through this process. And I have practically been attached to a facebook group as if it's an oxygen line . I suppose it's because I see and hear so many stories like mine , of heartache and loss and misery loves company.  Yes I am the person who is extremely rudely jealous of a pregnant woman lately. ANd how am I to know if she hasn't been through much worse than I have to get the baby she has . I used to look at all newborns and pregnant women and wonder what her story was, but the past few weeks it has just been with jealousy and longing .
 We kept our 7 month old grandson last night and I truly didn't want to, because I was even upset that they could have this child and not really want the responsibility but I couldn't. I just gave him the love and TLC I wanted for my own child . He is my oldest son child. He is 20 and his gf is 18 - they aren't speaking to me at the moment . My second oldest son picks him up and brings him over to our house. As you may know or may not my oldest three are technically my stp-children but I've raised them since they were 1, 2, & 3 and 1/2 , so they are mine in every sense but genetics. My oldest has ODD and schizo-effective disorder and from his early teen years he was involved with drugs , stealing fighting and so much worse. I had to have him hospitalized on several occasions for some of his behavior. He was also a hadful in elementary school but I was told it was ADHD and the only way to fix it was medication. I just couldn't see making him take all that stuff they wanted him to. Maybe I was wrong and I am part of the reason he has so many issues now.But I can't change what is already done. He lives with his girlfriend and her two moms ( same sex marriage ) they are great ladies and I care about them . So long story short he has issues and he nor his gf are mature enough to handle the consequences og his actions , and I no longer bite my tongue and hope he just gets better. I am very outspoken to him and her when she gets her attitude, I will not let them disrespect me . They treat her moms very poorly , but my husband I have told them they have to stand p to him or he will treat them badly .

Having a hard time still trying to understand why my babies heart stopped beating and what I could've done differently. Did I take to much Tylenol for a headache, did the unisom the doc said was ok stop the heartbeat ? I could mention a million things that it could've been , but none of them would bring that baby back to me. And if I knew the true reason would I be able to handle it emotionally. The hospital sent the baby and the placenta for pathology and I am scared to know what that result is going to be.
 I took a pregnancy test last night to see if the hormone has left my system and it immediately came back positive...what a cruel joke --so many many months I peed on a stick hoping for those two lines and now I get that and know that there is NO baby in there , just leftovers waiting to be expelled. I have twice had to have a repeat D&C because their was leftover placental tissue . Why can't my body hold onto the baby as well as it holds onto the tissue ?????
 I feel so empty inside most of the day , I even touch my stomach and tell the baby I miss them , I don't understand why me ? I am struggling to believe in god and his will and his mercy right now. How can this god everyone thinks is so fabulous be so cruel ?   Hubby told me that when he is alone he cries too , I forget that he lost a child too. I will always remember his gasp of breath and the way he grabbed my hand when he saw the heartbeat on the ultrasound screen or the fist time. He was totally convinced that it was the little girl he has always dreamed of . Why can't we have a daughter ??   I treasure every second of Aiden's life and don't want to be away from him for one second if I don't have to .  We haven't discussed the idea of finishing the foster parent process. We have to do the homestudy and then fix what they say we need to do, maybe that is the way we will get our daughter ? I know we would treasure her for sure, but would Paul be able to accept her as his own ? He has kept himself very busy building the roof on our porch and replacing the roof on the house, maybe that's his way of working through it. Me I just wanna cry and hide under the blankets .

Taking it day by day

 Woke up today and almost thought it was a dream, and then I realized when I got up how sore that my stomach was from the surgery. However this time I didn't completely fall apart, I just went to the rest room and laid back down cuddled up with my four year old and held him close. I think each day is getting easier and easier. I know that they're will still be days when the pain is fresh and hurts the same as the day we heard the bad news.
 Hubby, adam, Austin, Ronnie & George got almost all the roof and covered roof on the porch today. Even Paul's brother John came and helped a los starting to look really good and it matches the shutters very well.. I rested and got some house cleaning Caught up a lot of laundry. I realized that I shouldn't have done as much as I did because the bleeding increased. So I will have to do things a little slower tomorrow.
   dam said that he talked to Scott and they were waiting for DSS to come to their house , apparently someone reported them and of course they are blaming me . Oh well I really don't care what they think anymore and I am through trying to be a part of their life . I am sure they have other people who get upset with them and of course they don'y blame them. I imagine that my name is all around that house tonight.
I have totally completely forgotten about Melissa, Scott and Caleb and sadly I hope they stay out of our lives forever !!! I know this is cruel but my life is so much easier and stress free without them in it . My focus now has to be on raising my son to be a good decent citizen. ANd maybe one day scott will realize how much he needed those he chose to blame. unfortunately that unconditional love I had for him is gone !!! And I doubt it will ever be back.

It's gone- Procedure is finished

 We chose the surgical option , instead of the natural wait for it to happen. I just didn't want to put my four year old or my husbad and other older children through the trauma of that experience. I would have liked to know what that would havw been like, but maybe it was for the best anyway. Doctor told Paul that the bbay seemed to have stopped growing at around 7 weeks . We saw the heartbeat at 7 weeks 3 days on ultrasound so it must have been shortly after that day. I clearly remember just noticing one day tht my breast weren't sore and  wasn't nauseous at all anymore. even smells didn't bother me anylonger.
 I suppose now I can say that it's over and done with and no guessing if everything is gone.we go back to see him in a few weeks to discuss the procedure  and if the pathology results came back yet .
Wonder how I will take that news ? What if it is something that is my fault ?
 I made a quick emotional decision to order some products that are supposed to help people get pregnant again. And of course I probably jinxed myself by doing that oo.  People keep telling me to hang on to god and except that he has his ways and his will. BUT I am having a lot of issue struggling with loving a od who would put so many peple through so much pain and heartache .
 I am just working through the many emotions
 I am also going to email the social worker about our home study for foster care and see what happens on that front as well . Guess all I can do is live m =y life day-to-day and hope each day is the best

No More Baby

Went for my ob appointment yesterday , and I was sur everything was going to be ok, after all how much Pain and loss does one person have to deal with ? well apparently I haven't dealt with my share.  We were going to get to hear the heartbeat and the nurse couldn't find it on the Doppler, so she called another nurse to try, and they said hmm I am eting numbers ut can't get it confirmed. She said we would go let ultrasound check because their equipment is more advanced , I laid on the table and she began , she was pressing hard and trying very hard to find it and I knew from the look of her face , It wasn't good news. And then she looked at me and said I'm very sorry but their is no heartbeat. I wanted to just fall to the floor and beg them to look again . But I had my 4 year old son there with me and I didn't want him to me like that. So I did the best I could to be strong for him and we went back to the exam room and waited.   The next choice was to decide what treatment plan we wanted.
   We came home and just let it sink in, and I decided that the surgery was best . I didn't want to wait for natural to happen because, I have Aiden with me and I was worried about what he might have to see and experience. The doctor just called and we told her what we wanted. So now I am just waiting for them to call and let me know when and what time. Guess this is it, the last time I will have a child growing inside of my body . Paul said I should have my tubes tied because this is too hard to deal with, and as much as I wish that weren't true , he is right . It isn't fair that so many people worry and hurt because my body refuses to be normal . I am more than positive that Aiden is a true miracle !!!!

Still Hanging on

    The vomiting has gotten much better the past few days, I still get some nausea and I am perfectly ok with that . I have had some brown spotting mostly after using the progesterone gel and it is not red or pink so far !!!! So I am hoping that everything is ok . It really isn't fair that we lose the innocent joy of pregnancy after a loss.. But I try to think positively and realize how truly blessed I am to have the experiences I have had. I don't know what is worse having the dream come true for a positive even if for just a few days or weeks or never getting that positive. It's painful to lose the dreams and hope of pregnancy. But I see so many who work very hard to achieve that positive and it doesn't happen for them so they are always wondering why and hoping that it will happen. So should I be grateful for the miscarriages or feel cheated because I  had it and lost it ????  I want so much to dream of holding this baby--however I am afraid of the heartbreak if I start dreaming of the future, but it's also not good to be thinking the worst is coming. How do most women who deal with this make it through ? My husband wants a little girl so much and he has already picked out names and I truly have this feeling that it's also a girl but the disappointment when we found out that Aiden was a boy is unforgettable.. I know it makes us sound selfish and horrible, but the elation we felt that Allison was a girl was amazing and then when she was born too early , our dreams and feeling of a complete family was destroyed and we lost that innocence of happiness . ( make sense )
 I will treasure this baby no matter what sex it is and it will have so much love that it's unbelievable, but we are good people and my husband is such an amazing  father , dad, son , son in law, friend and all around person that I would love to see  him have the dream he has had for many years of having a baby girl !!!
 We are still doing the foster licensing process and if that is how we are supposed to have a daughter in our family then that's what it is, I have this feeling as if this pregnancy after all the classes and work for the licensing is a sign that , maybe it isn't the best choice to expand out family and this thought weighs on my mind , I am always wondering how my choices and decisions will effect my children and their future . I don't want to jeopardize their happiness or safety for my selfish wish to have a daughter. I try to convince myself that I am doing the foster care to help some children who need the love I can give them and  the nurturing , but I have to wonder is that REALLY the reason , or is just because I have to tempt fate an change what is gods will for my lif