working on it

Well yesterday was still a dreary day for mel and it was a rainy day so it went well with my weepy mood . I know some would say Geez be happy you have that little guy and millions of women would say they would be so grateful just to have had one !!!I am getting to that mindset, and trying really hard to think that way. I am extremely grateful for my son and the miracle of pregnancy....I'm just selfish and want it again...once the news of the new pregnancies sinks in I will adjust and be ok ...I think I am just human and deserve a few days of longing and feeleing sad for what never will be ....but I have more WOW I can't believe that I got my baby days ---so yeah i'm giving myself permission to be selfish for a few days

Mixed emotions

SO last night I am on facebook, and I see that another one of my cousins is expecting again...I Am happy for her but sad for me, It just seems unfair that I am the one person in our family who can't just pop up pregnant...after Aiden was born pregnancy news wasn't so hard ot handle because I could hold my iracle in my arms and see how blessed I am. So how come that feeling has gone away, he is still a treasured blessing to me and makes my heart skip a beat every time I see him smile ! So why did I get that same old feeling when I saw the pic of a positive pregnancy test-ya know that punched in the gut , i'm gonna have to act happy while my insides are churning with envy feeling.. I realized that I will never have that joy of the am i pregnant ????? Phase and the sheer joy of taking a test to see the two lines--- Life just seems unfair !!!!!!!!!
  I want td be pregnant again , i'm almost 40 though and with my issues it just isn't reasonable, I wonder if I had a daughter to parent here on earth would it fill that void I seem to have, or would I still have that missing piece ? Wouldn't having having a girl put a lot of pressure on her to have all the dreams we had for Allison come true ?? And of course I had to tell my cousin I am hoping for a girl because she already has a son, and yeah I do hope she gets her girl,but I know its gonna hurt when she posts those IT"S A GIRL ultrasound pictures, I have another cousind due in december and she wanted a little girl but found out she is having a boy --and as horrible as this is gonna sound when she foudn out it was a boy ,I honestly breathed a sigh of relief. As I am typing this and reading the thoughts coming out of my head , I realize I need to get counseling or go to a grief support group , to help me with my feelings .....

do I ???????

• I woke up this morning and checked email and facebook like I do almost every single day. And I remembered that today was the anniversary of a friends child's death, her beautiful daughter was killed in a car accident and it gor me thinking about allison and how we only had a few precious moments with her before she passed and this ladies daughter was 10 . I started wondering if the pain is the same if you lose a child you never got to parent as it is to lose a child you watched grow and change until the sad day that god called them home ??? This revelation also made me wonder if I was meant to have a little girl or if I was just meant to be a mommy to my son, do I want to hope for another pregnancy and dream that it will be a daughter for us to parent here on earth ? I am almost 40 well another year and I will be, so what kind of wuality life will I offer my children,will they want a mother as a teenager who could very well be mistaken for a grandparent ? What if I die at the same age as my father ,57 that means Aiden would only be 17 when i left him, thats not nearly long enough with your parent, but a lifetime would never have been long enough for me to spend with the ones I have lost already, so doI regret the time we did have togehter NOI treasure those momoents we shared ---I could offer a new baby so much love and treasure them for the gift they are, just like we do Aiden, even on the days when he is screaming and being very difficult , I wouldn't trade those days for anything for I know the pain that the alternative causes.. So as of today I am still not 100 % sure I am ready for the roller-coaster of wanting another child. My mind changes every day sometimes more than once a day, in an hour I may be staring out the window longing to feel that baby growing inside me again, or I may be wondering how to start the process of adoption and know for sure that we can ask for a girl...I could tell her everyday how special she is that she was chosen because we wanted her so very much--------

08/07/2012

This morning I wondered if I could conceive another child without the IUI and fertility meds. I have recently lost over 30 pounds and I am hoping that this improves my PCOS symptoms. I do not see regular periods yet, but I have noticed signs that my body is trying to be normal. I want a little girl , I have a daughter but she is an angel baby, and i love her and treasure the too short time we had together...but i wanna hold a daughter in my arms and dress her up every day, buy her the cute little pink frilly outfits with matching hair bows and sandals. i see other families with boys and girls and wonder if they feel complete, or do they too have a sense that something is missing in their family, I see a little blonde curly Head girl and my heart aches , because that is what Paul and i imagine our Allison would've looked like. The pain of losing her is so raw and fresh some days. Aiden is a treasure to us and we love him very much , but having him doesn't lessen the ache we feel for the child we never got to be parents to, yes I have a daughter but she isn't in my arms, she is only in my heart and memory..
I do want to have another child but as I ma almost 40 I doubt that will happen, so do I still consider myself infertile if I have a child ?????? I can't just tell my husband that I wanna get pregnant chart my cycle and have intercourse, expecting the test to show two lines..so am I infertile ??? I know that the official medical term is secondary infertility...But how do i ask god for a second blessing without feeling ungrateful for the treasure he already blessed me with. And i know that millions of women would say --suck it up --at least you got to experience the magic of pregnancy--and they are right. I did, but that doesn't lessen the pain of wanting to experience it again.

LONG 2 years

I just signed on to here and noticed that I have totally and completely neglected to update this blog. So shame on me,
I am happy to report that I am now the mother of a very active 2 year old little boy. After several years ( over ten) of infertility treatments, two failed IUI and 25 weeks of bedrest after a cervical cerclage, and a scary emergency c-section after 3 days of labor, I held my miracle in my arms finally. And he was worth every second of it.... I was still in shock when we left the hospital and on the way down the hall to our car I kept thinking I was going to wake up from my dream to learn that it wasn't true at all...
Don't give up hope ladies, my struggle was long and had many heartbreaking roller coaster emotion days, I never thought I would experience the miracle of pregnancy , but I also nevr gave up hope either.