It is almost Christmas and even though I have my awesome toddler , I still miss my baby girl . We decorate a pink tree with a new ornament we pick out just for her each year. But although I do it for her memory it really makes my heart ache because she SHOULD be here with us and helping us decorate the family tree. I see all the pictures of girls dressed in their pretty dresses and cute bows, and I want to cry !! But then I feel bad because if she would have survived then Aiden wouldn't be here and he is the light of my life ! I can't imagine not having him in my life ?
And ever since the miscarriage that was a spontaneous pregnancy -- I wonder every month , Could I be pregnant and I am constantly looking for signs of ovulation , I thought I was through with all of that ----
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Progesterone Cream ???
So last month and July I decided to try using a natural progesterone cream to see if it would help me to regulate my cycles and improve my PCOS. WOW July was the trial month and I used a 1/2 teaspoon nightly ( which as I later learned was twice what I should have used). I rubbed it into differet areas each night for 14 nights--Goodness gracious I was a hormonal nightmare.. I was grouchy and irritable and I could hardly stand myself , so I have no idea how my husband and children tolerated me that two weeks . Plus I used it too early before ovulation . However the following month I used 1/4 teaspoon nightly only after ovulation and I think it worked because on cycle day 14 I actuallt got a positive OPK, and I had several other signs of ovulation --that is not normal for me with my PCOS - ok of course I did get pregnant on my own in December , I attribute that to the weight loss and the fact that it helped normalize my cycles for me . So after some research I learned that the progesterone can help improve my endometriosis as well as my luteal phase defect. This month I also had many signs of ovulation and a positive OPK PLUS my period began on day 15 -- It was one day late because I was still taking the progesterone --just to make sure that the HPY was actually negative, I also have an issue with my progesterone levels during pregnancy and have to use crinone gel. That's part of the reason that I think I miscarried in February , because I didn't know that I was pregnant and didn't use any progesterone ... sad that we learn these things when it's too late to make a difference -- so with all this effort you are probably wondering if I am back to TTC-- weeeellllll in a sense yes but not to the point that I am gonna seek medical assistance if it doesn't work out.. I LOVED the joys and even the disconforts of pregnancy with Aiden, and I was so excited when I learned that I was pregnant in January , but I am trying to be content with the miracle that I got to experience with Aiden and be content.. I would like to pursue adoption or maybe even foster care, But I feel selfish in a way, like I am not being grateful for the blessing that I already have ...
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Even though my son is now three years old I still feel like I am an infertility victim ? I know millions of women will smirk at me for that statement. I recently ( yesterday) found myself taking an ovulation test again just to see, and when it was negative I gave myself the old pep talk of oh well it will happen -- I keep telling myself that I am happy to have the miracle of pregnancy with Aiden...but then I wonder am I really satisfied ? And if not why not -- I used to say just one time I wanted to feel the miracle of pregnancy and I would be complete.....and after the unexpected pregnancy in January and then the miscarriage just a few days later, I find myself yet once again on the trying to conceive roller coaster ...and here I am right back to the old feelings of inadequacy and defeat. I refuse to let this control me again, and I am gonna do my best to be thankful for the blessings that I already have and hope for the best. I will pay attention to my cycle and try but not let it control me this time.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
sad for another PCOS'er
Today I learned that a cousin by marriage received not so good news from her HSG..Her tubes are completely blocked and the dye wouldn't even go through for the test. She is heartbroken and understandably so. I know that IVF is a way around this but her insurance doesn't pay any of the cost and she doesn't have the funds for this procedure ! I told her there is surgical way to unblock them but I haven't known anyone who has had that procedure done. I know that I have Aiden to be grateful for and I know what a beautiful miracle he is and I treasure him . I remember the heartbreak and loss of hope during treatment and wish I could do or say something to make her feel better.
I had the support of many cafemom friends throughout my ordeal and talking with them even if only online got me through some really sad days. And on days when I didn't want to get out of bed I knew I could express my feelings to them and they would understand ! So tonight when I say my prayers as I do nightly I will include her and her husband in my prayers.
I had the support of many cafemom friends throughout my ordeal and talking with them even if only online got me through some really sad days. And on days when I didn't want to get out of bed I knew I could express my feelings to them and they would understand ! So tonight when I say my prayers as I do nightly I will include her and her husband in my prayers.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
As I sit here and type this my almost 3 year old is in his room watching a show on net-flix and I kind of miss him clinging to me. I guess I wanted some quiet time until I actually got it. He is of course destroying his bedroom and almost every toy he has is in the floor , but as I pick them up for the countless number of times today, I love that my arms are full of toys and my hair is a mess and I am exhausted ! These are the days some moms dread, but me I truly treasure them. I wonder if this is why I had to endure the fertility issues, so that I would truly appreciate what a gift my so is to me.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Potty Blues
The potty training isn't going well . It's been more than a week and I am only seeing minor signs that it's working. I guess I need to work just a little more diligently at the process and hope for better outcome in a few more days !
Getting ready this week for our week at the beach, wondering how the potty process is gonna be while we are away from home in a place he's not used to , as well as traveling to the condo--
Getting ready this week for our week at the beach, wondering how the potty process is gonna be while we are away from home in a place he's not used to , as well as traveling to the condo--
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Potty Training FAIL
I am working on potty training and I feel like such a huge failure, he will be THREE in a few weeks and I feel like he should already be using the potty, he just now got to the point that he will actually sit on the potty without clothing on, he has peed in there a few times and I did a super huge happy potty dance , which he really loved !! But I guess I am being lazy and that makes me feel even worse. I try to get him to go every 20- 30 minutes and he will scream NO POTTY, so I don't want to force him and make him totally hate the idea ! As you know when I met Paul the boys were 6months -2- and 3 1/2 and neither one was potty trained. I made it a point to train them . The oldest one was tough but finally he did it in a few weeks. I gave them a skittle if they peed and a dum dum lollipop for bowel movements. The youngest one was potty trained by the time he was 19 months old. So what is my problem now. AM I subconsciously wanting to keep Aiden a baby because I know he is going to be my only living biological child and I am not ready to let the baby phase go ?? Or am I just lazy ??
Last week I took 4 pregnancy tests because my cycle was 5 days late and they were all negative. I as thrilled to become pregnant spontaneously but since I had the miscarriage I kind of wish it wouldn't have happened. Because now I am gonna wonder every month and I am always checking my CM for signs. It's like being back on the TTC roller coaster again. +
Last week I took 4 pregnancy tests because my cycle was 5 days late and they were all negative. I as thrilled to become pregnant spontaneously but since I had the miscarriage I kind of wish it wouldn't have happened. Because now I am gonna wonder every month and I am always checking my CM for signs. It's like being back on the TTC roller coaster again. +
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
what's wrong with me ?/
Ok I know this is going to make me sound like a horrible and insensitive person , and I guess apparently deep down inside I am, but I don't want to be. I have a neighbor who is sort of a friend, I mean we don't hang out or anything but we text every once in a while and we chat on facebook. She has been struggling with infertility because of PCOS for years and can't afford treatments. Well for the past two almost three years she and I have emailed about these struggles. And she went through the process of becoming a foster parent and was approved.Well today she posted that Friday she is getting a newborn baby boy as soon as he is discharged from the hospital. And I had to pretend to be extremely happy for her. I am but I was also jealous. I should still be pregnant and on bedrest getting ready for my newborn. PLUS I have my son who is three and is my biological child. How can I be such a selfish and uncaring person ??? I feel so bad about the way I am feeling right now. I admit I used to daydream about bringing home a baby from the hospital and it being my forever child , and their may be a chance that this will be her son, or that she will have to take him back to someone at some point... so what kind of person does this make me ? No wonder I don't have many close friends--I am probably not great person to person friend material --I prayed to find the answer to this dilemma
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Healing again
So it has been over two months since I have written anything- I just couldn't get motivated to do it. I was having a pity party and feeling sorry for myself most of that time. I had to go to a cousins baby shower too and then to the hospital when her little girl was born. I love this cousin very much so I was genuinely happy for her, but inside I was a mess. I held her sweet little baby girl in my arms and my heart ached for my own daughter and for the baby we had miscarried a few weeks earlier. I felt betrayed by my body, and then I went into the waiting room where my hubby was waiting and my two year old son run to me and I just hugged him so tight, never letting anyone know how much heartache I was feeling. I pushed it away and took a deep breath and went on with life. After all what was whining about it gonna change and no matter what anyone did or said it wasn't going to bring any one of them back ......
Today I am in Apex with the hubby, and of course he is at work this morning . My toddler woke up in a cranky mood just as I was beginning to type this post, I held him and walked him around trying to comfort him and ''love him out of this mood'' however it was Disney Jr that did the trick LOL, thanks a bunch Jake and the pirates ------I know some people say TV is bad and shouldn't be used as a baby-sitter , and I agree with them that some shows are for sure inappropriate for children and some adults . But I have found that Aiden has learned a lot from PBS and sesame street.
On another note I started my first menstrual cycle since the miscarriage on the first of may , and I have an APP on my phone that tracks cycles and ovulation and of course I checked it and it told me that if I were to get pregnant this cycle the due date would be Feb. 5th-- hmmm the date I miscarried this last pregnancy-- not sure what to think about that coincidence. Heck I am not even sure if I believe in coincidence anyway. I am a karma and fate of the universe believing type of person. And I REALLY want to believe that god has a hand in things, but since losing Allison and the miscarriage my faith has been a little shaky. I am reading my bible daily and praying for that closeness and forgiveness for losing faith . I pray for understanding of things that happen to women like me who would be such great moms and then these women who abuse their children pop out kids like a pez dispenser with no idea ho precious these children are.
Today I am in Apex with the hubby, and of course he is at work this morning . My toddler woke up in a cranky mood just as I was beginning to type this post, I held him and walked him around trying to comfort him and ''love him out of this mood'' however it was Disney Jr that did the trick LOL, thanks a bunch Jake and the pirates ------I know some people say TV is bad and shouldn't be used as a baby-sitter , and I agree with them that some shows are for sure inappropriate for children and some adults . But I have found that Aiden has learned a lot from PBS and sesame street.
On another note I started my first menstrual cycle since the miscarriage on the first of may , and I have an APP on my phone that tracks cycles and ovulation and of course I checked it and it told me that if I were to get pregnant this cycle the due date would be Feb. 5th-- hmmm the date I miscarried this last pregnancy-- not sure what to think about that coincidence. Heck I am not even sure if I believe in coincidence anyway. I am a karma and fate of the universe believing type of person. And I REALLY want to believe that god has a hand in things, but since losing Allison and the miscarriage my faith has been a little shaky. I am reading my bible daily and praying for that closeness and forgiveness for losing faith . I pray for understanding of things that happen to women like me who would be such great moms and then these women who abuse their children pop out kids like a pez dispenser with no idea ho precious these children are.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Yesterday I was very sore from the D & C, but it was bearable with the medication they gave me. However when I take narcotic pain medicine it changes my moods and I tend to be very irritable so I am trying to stop those and use only ibuprofen. I wonder how many angry people are liek that because they have no choice but to take narcotic pain medications due to a medical issue . Can't imagine how thsoe who are addicted to them hace changed and if they do everyone the same way or just certain people.
The bleeding has pretty much stopped , and I started an antibiotic yesterday as well. She said that since the miscarriage issues had gone on for such a long time then she thought it would be a good idea to take an antibiotic. She called in doxycycline, I am glad she did so that it will be one less complication issue to worry about. SHe told Paul that we could discuss birth control at my next appointment ????? When he said I couldn't take it because of the clotting issue she said there are some non estogen options that are safe for me as well. I haven't had to think about birth control since I was a teenager and this is very odd for me. I am not sure that I even need because I wonder if this was a one time thing and will never happen again , And what if it does .....Now I am again on that monthly cycle roller coaster . and not even going through fertility treatments, I guess since I have had Aiden and knew we couldn't afford more treatments that Iwasn't even paying much attention to my cycle. I mean of course I noticed it was becoming more regulat after the weight loss , and I knew the ovulation signals, but I had no real hope that I could conceive on my own becauss of the PCOS and the endometriosis issues. NOW I will wonder each month am or what ???? Mother nature sure can be mean sometimes
The bleeding has pretty much stopped , and I started an antibiotic yesterday as well. She said that since the miscarriage issues had gone on for such a long time then she thought it would be a good idea to take an antibiotic. She called in doxycycline, I am glad she did so that it will be one less complication issue to worry about. SHe told Paul that we could discuss birth control at my next appointment ????? When he said I couldn't take it because of the clotting issue she said there are some non estogen options that are safe for me as well. I haven't had to think about birth control since I was a teenager and this is very odd for me. I am not sure that I even need because I wonder if this was a one time thing and will never happen again , And what if it does .....Now I am again on that monthly cycle roller coaster . and not even going through fertility treatments, I guess since I have had Aiden and knew we couldn't afford more treatments that Iwasn't even paying much attention to my cycle. I mean of course I noticed it was becoming more regulat after the weight loss , and I knew the ovulation signals, but I had no real hope that I could conceive on my own becauss of the PCOS and the endometriosis issues. NOW I will wonder each month am or what ???? Mother nature sure can be mean sometimes
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
D & C
I had the D& C procedure done today, so hopefully we will be able to start the healing process of this miscarrige ordeal. I am ok emotionally,I think I am numb at this point, maybe because I didn't put so much effort into getting pregnant or didn't have to go through the IUI process. ANd that I only knew about the pregnancy for 4 days. I don't knwo amybe that is an excuse that my sybconscious is using to prevent the pain from being overwhelming !
The bleeding is more than what I expected but I am sure that it won't last for much longer and I can hopefully be on the way to healing .
The bleeding is more than what I expected but I am sure that it won't last for much longer and I can hopefully be on the way to healing .
Friday, February 22, 2013
Baby section
I have a cousin whom I am very close to and she is expecting a baby girl in April. I have each week bought a gift for her shower that I knew would be coming up soon, and I thought that it would be tough to buy a baby gift after the miscarriage, but it wasn't as bad as I expected. I did have the take my breath away moment of why not me - but it wasn't unbearable. I remembered the smile Aiden has when I walk into the room and the way he says HI mom - and he brings me sunshine and makes my whole body smile- not even sure if that makes sense , my whole body smile, but that;s the way he makes me feel.
Had another Beta HCG test yesterday and i'm waiting to see what the results of that are- hopefully it will be below 5 so that I can stop the weekly bloodwork and this ordeal be over and I can put this to rest. The bleeding has become dark brown and I know that's old blood, and no more clots so I am really really hoping that it's over and I can begin living again. And not focus on what my body has planned for me today--but who am I kidding I am obsessed with what my body is up to- or at least I am now- the past two years just focusing on my babyboy and not even thinking about fertility issues have been vacation that I didn't even realize I was on - until I had to think about it after a surprise pregnancy - I am now gonna be wondering each month. I plan to try NOT to focus on it but we will see how that goes !
Had another Beta HCG test yesterday and i'm waiting to see what the results of that are- hopefully it will be below 5 so that I can stop the weekly bloodwork and this ordeal be over and I can put this to rest. The bleeding has become dark brown and I know that's old blood, and no more clots so I am really really hoping that it's over and I can begin living again. And not focus on what my body has planned for me today--but who am I kidding I am obsessed with what my body is up to- or at least I am now- the past two years just focusing on my babyboy and not even thinking about fertility issues have been vacation that I didn't even realize I was on - until I had to think about it after a surprise pregnancy - I am now gonna be wondering each month. I plan to try NOT to focus on it but we will see how that goes !
Sunday, February 17, 2013
334
SO I went for the folow up and there was still a small amount of placental tissue left , why can't my body hold onto the baby with the same grip as it does with the tissue ? I dont this after Allison's birth as well, I couldn't keep the most treasured and precious gift but my body refused to let go of the rest .
The nurse practitioner thinks that since it is a small amount that my body should take care of it on its own REALLY --because my body never seems to do what it's supposed to do or what's normal so why does this time seem like it will be any different ??I just know that in a few weeks or months I am gonna have some complications and it will be from the tissue that never left ! I have to go back for weekly beta HCG tests to see that my levels drop to below 5 - I wish that this could just be over so I could move on and get over this. The teary-eyed days are gone and I am accepting the hand that fate has dealt me, I just wish I didn't have to prolong it with weekly visits to a OB office knwoing that my womd is empty, and it shoudl have a growing boucny baby in there. Plus I get to sit with all the pregnant women who are glowing and rubbing their swollen bellies and wonder why it isn't me .
I want to go into myself and hide away from the world and the pain that my heart feels lately, but then I spend time with Aiden and he brings the sunshine back into my dark day. He amazes me everyday and makes my heart smile. I just look at him sleeping and can't believe he is mine and i get the privilege of being his mom -- the privilege that I vow never to abuse, I choose to spend my days with him because I know how precious his life is .
The nurse practitioner thinks that since it is a small amount that my body should take care of it on its own REALLY --because my body never seems to do what it's supposed to do or what's normal so why does this time seem like it will be any different ??I just know that in a few weeks or months I am gonna have some complications and it will be from the tissue that never left ! I have to go back for weekly beta HCG tests to see that my levels drop to below 5 - I wish that this could just be over so I could move on and get over this. The teary-eyed days are gone and I am accepting the hand that fate has dealt me, I just wish I didn't have to prolong it with weekly visits to a OB office knwoing that my womd is empty, and it shoudl have a growing boucny baby in there. Plus I get to sit with all the pregnant women who are glowing and rubbing their swollen bellies and wonder why it isn't me .
I want to go into myself and hide away from the world and the pain that my heart feels lately, but then I spend time with Aiden and he brings the sunshine back into my dark day. He amazes me everyday and makes my heart smile. I just look at him sleeping and can't believe he is mine and i get the privilege of being his mom -- the privilege that I vow never to abuse, I choose to spend my days with him because I know how precious his life is .
Monday, February 11, 2013
SAD
We lost the baby, I guess somewhere in my subconscious I knew that it wasn't a healthy pregnancy and all the issues with bleeding and clots wasn't healthy. however when my HCG level come back at 9000, I got my hopes up and even thought that it might be twins ..and hoped that it would be at least one girl- but it wasn't meant to be. I keep hearing that it was god's will and his plan--there is a reason for everything blah,blah,blah.......right now i am still coming to terms with the loss and don't understand ''god's plan'' , and why it has to hurt so much. I didn't understand the loss of our daughter either and we now have a beautiful baby boy who delights and amazes me every day. So I am sure that someday I will understand the losses we have dealt with and the pain will have a meaning - just not today.
surprised that we conceived on our own--- now I have to wonder if I am fertile enough for that to happen again , and in some ways this is as emotional as the fertility treatments ---
surprised that we conceived on our own--- now I have to wonder if I am fertile enough for that to happen again , and in some ways this is as emotional as the fertility treatments ---
Friday, February 1, 2013
WOW
So I know it has been a long time since I posted anything on here, I have some other blogs about things in my life and I was gonna put this on there but this is more for this blog.. I had weight loss surgery in june 2012 and have lost almost 60 pounds and I was excited because my menstrual cycle has been more normal than it has ever been for as long as I can remember. I went to the dr in December right after christmas for some reason that I can't recall, and just out of curiosity they did a urine pregnancy test and it was negative. I was fine with that wasn't expecting it to be any different. I have dealt with infertility PCOS & endometriosis so i had no expectations of a pregnancy without medical assistance.
January 6th was the date I shoudl have started my period - I had some brown discharge on the 8th and I knew it was the beginning of my cycle, but it just didn't start and I was kinda of sad because I was hoping the PCOS issues were getting better, then on the 12th I started bleeding and passing a lot of clots - aand then nothign for a few days. Paul as you know works out of town and we only see each other on the weekends, he is a very sexual being and he wanted sex, so I said ok get a towel and maybe it won't be too bad because it's just a little brown discharge. well I was wrong after sex I had a lot of bleeding and even more clots. this continued for days and then would just be a very light spotting for a few days . This has continued since then. the pain was getting really unbearable, so I called the gynecologist and made an appointment, I was thinking I had some type pf gyn cancer and that the Dr would recommend a hysterectomy , to which this thought made me kind of sad, because I want to have a little girl but I have been coming to terms slowly with the fact that this may not happen for us -biologically anyway.Well she said I had a lot of clots and my uterus was very inflammed, she kept asking me if there was a chance I could be pregnant, which I said no --she then said maybe we should do a STD test to check and an ultrasound to see if their is major inflammation in uterus. And to my utter amazement there is a baby in there !!! I even saw the flutter of the tiny heartbeat and was able to hear it . I was totally shocked , and of course then worried because of all the blood I was passing and the cramping. I had a beta HCG that day tuesday the 29th and it was 9000 -- HOLY COW , it was never that high in any of my other pregnancies at 5 weeks. I am on the lovenox injection to help with my factor V leiden clotting disorder. And today I went for a repeat beta HSG level. I am a nervous wreck waitng to heat that result. I most likely will not know that result until monday, I don't want to wait a whole weekend and worry its literally driving me insane. I am cranky with Aiden and every thing irritates me, my nerves are so on edge. Part of me wants whatever is gonna happen to just happen and get it over with it. If god is gonna take this baby then I wish he would just get it over with . I know this makes me sound horrible and cold hearted, but since I lost my daughter in 2009 I have had so much trouble accepting what everyone says is ''god's will''....I get so mad at god some days , and want to completely reject the idea of him. Then other days I cling to the faith that he is there .
January 6th was the date I shoudl have started my period - I had some brown discharge on the 8th and I knew it was the beginning of my cycle, but it just didn't start and I was kinda of sad because I was hoping the PCOS issues were getting better, then on the 12th I started bleeding and passing a lot of clots - aand then nothign for a few days. Paul as you know works out of town and we only see each other on the weekends, he is a very sexual being and he wanted sex, so I said ok get a towel and maybe it won't be too bad because it's just a little brown discharge. well I was wrong after sex I had a lot of bleeding and even more clots. this continued for days and then would just be a very light spotting for a few days . This has continued since then. the pain was getting really unbearable, so I called the gynecologist and made an appointment, I was thinking I had some type pf gyn cancer and that the Dr would recommend a hysterectomy , to which this thought made me kind of sad, because I want to have a little girl but I have been coming to terms slowly with the fact that this may not happen for us -biologically anyway.Well she said I had a lot of clots and my uterus was very inflammed, she kept asking me if there was a chance I could be pregnant, which I said no --she then said maybe we should do a STD test to check and an ultrasound to see if their is major inflammation in uterus. And to my utter amazement there is a baby in there !!! I even saw the flutter of the tiny heartbeat and was able to hear it . I was totally shocked , and of course then worried because of all the blood I was passing and the cramping. I had a beta HCG that day tuesday the 29th and it was 9000 -- HOLY COW , it was never that high in any of my other pregnancies at 5 weeks. I am on the lovenox injection to help with my factor V leiden clotting disorder. And today I went for a repeat beta HSG level. I am a nervous wreck waitng to heat that result. I most likely will not know that result until monday, I don't want to wait a whole weekend and worry its literally driving me insane. I am cranky with Aiden and every thing irritates me, my nerves are so on edge. Part of me wants whatever is gonna happen to just happen and get it over with it. If god is gonna take this baby then I wish he would just get it over with . I know this makes me sound horrible and cold hearted, but since I lost my daughter in 2009 I have had so much trouble accepting what everyone says is ''god's will''....I get so mad at god some days , and want to completely reject the idea of him. Then other days I cling to the faith that he is there .
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
