Maca

 Last night I took my first pill is the supplement form off maca. I've read some interesting and hopeful things about this " superfood" and I think I am going to give it a shot and see what heppens.  My research as in google, seems to be a promising nutrient for the whole body and not just hormonal support. I'm hoping that it does help hormonal issues as well.  It even claims to help with sleep and insomnia as well as weight issues. But it seems that the weight loss benefit would e best for those suffering from thyroid issues or adrenal fatigue . Which I believe all PCOS ladies have some degree of adrenal fatigue . That organ has to be exhausted from dealing with our confused hormone system. 

Cycle day & hopes and dreams

  Well I finally started my cycle after the miscarriage . I was happy to see it come about a month after the procedure . It was also kind of sad too. It was a reminder that the pregnancy had ended and the baby wasn't there . 

 And yesterday an aunt called that usually doesn't call and she asked how the baby was doing . No one had told her that I'd had a miscarriage . And I had to tell her and it was like remembering again .  

   We have our hone study tomorrow for the foster/ adopt process, and we have done a lot around the house and I'm still afraid it isn't going to be good enough. I have always been a worst case scenario person,mainly because that's generally how a situation ends for me.  I'm excited that this could happen for us though. I've thought of being a faster mom for a very long time and i am starting to think this is my purpose for life , and that maybe this is why I've known so much heartache and loss and issues <u></u>ht conception and pregnancy . So that I will be able to understand what a miracle and treasure children are. I am extremely grateful for my bio- son and my adopted step sons and the experience of bing their mommy ! I know I can give children an unconditional love and lots of TLC , and it reunification is the goal, then I hope that I can help the parents and not be an enemy to them .

Paul is going to return to his job at the old company that will have him working out  of town all week . I'm a little disappointed that this May Henderson the foster or adoption process. And it hurts because his response when I mentioned this was-- I will be making more money and I we can just do the adoption route ...uggggggggg -- we have done all the training and certification for the fostering to adopt process and I am happy about this direction our lives are going and he doesn't seem to think it matters ! 

I have always supported his dreams  through our marriage and never criticized them and let him be who he wanted to be . Just like now ,he's taking the pilot classes to get his license ( and that is a huge financial obligation $7,000) and it takes a large amount of his time, I have been telling him how proud I and him and even copied the notes from the instructors manual for him....so I'm feeling that support is one- sided in our relationship . My dream has always been to be a paramedic and ultimately a life flight paramedic. But I had to quit the rescue squad because he has extreme jealousy issues from a previous marriage. And I quit the volunteer fire department for the same reason . I tried various jobs in the healthcare field and the jealousy he displayed always made it unbearable for me to work.  Yet I've never given him a reason to be jealous !!!! So I'm a abut cynical at the moment and trying hard to work through this feeling . 

Follow-up today

  At 2:45 today I go to the OB for the pathology report and the follow up from the miscarriage and surgery. I'm so scared and nervous that I almost cancelled this morning. But I know that I can summon the strength to do this ! I know that somewhere inside I am strong enought to do this, I've made it through much worse after all. I have to go alone, well not totally alone Aiden will be with me ( he's 4 ) . I have no one to watch him while I go , so like everything else he and mommy will figure it out. I will always be someone he can count on ! I think having him with me will force to me not break down if the need arises, I wouldn't want to upset him . I want to know the results and I don't want to know. I know that it won't change anything, the baby is still gone and my heart is still broken. I guess I will just have to learn how to deal with the results no mater what they are. I blame myself anyway so I guess this would just add file to the fire if they tell me the baby was prefect and it was Qing of my conditions. But will it make it any better if they say their was something wrong with the baby, will I be relieved that god took it back because it wasn't perfect ??? I just don't understand all this pain and heartache , isn't enough we loose our child ??? Everyone tells me god has a plan and their is a reason for everything, abut that really offers no comfort whatsoever .  Maybe in the future it will but I still have no comfort in losing my baby girl in 2009 and they told me she was perfect , she was born because yet again a my ody failed, and I have incompetent cervix.. As if we don't feel horrible enough the medical community has to use the word incompetent !!!!

  We have been really busy getting the house prepared for the anime study, still haven't heard an exact date though . We have painted most of the walls that needed it and finished the baseboards and crown molding in the living room and hallway. We have some yard work to finish , thanks to the recent snow and rains some of the limbs broke off trees and we had to cut some trees down to prevent further damage, and now we have to burn those or take them to the garbage dump. Burning ism much easier because we won't have to load an unload the trailer   But when we burn them we will have to rake up the ashes so that it doesn't look messy 

Better each day

  Yesterday was a good day . I was in some major pain from whatever this constant ache in my lower abdomen/ pelvic area , but I didn't constantly think about where the pregnancy would be at this stage. And today I woke up at 5:30 and stayed up , I made Paul breakfast ( scrambled eggs and sausage ) and getting up wasn't like ltrying to lift a car up . It was easy !!!! I even made the coffe this early ( Paul's doesn't drink it just me ) and stayed up and then I was eating breakfast with him and it hit me... I wasn't as sad . Although it kind of made me sad to not BE SAD ... Guess that can only make sense to someone who has felt this way. I think I am on the upside of this healing process.YAY ... . Still concerned about this pain , i do have my follow-up on the 11th and I'm sure i can manage to deal with it until then. I'm very worried that I have cause an infection and hope that it's not something that won't heal on its own. I always fear that the doctor will tell me I need a hysterectomy .

      The living walls have a fresh coat of paint and they look clean and neat, it was sad to cover up the markings Aiden made ...I tried scrubbing them with every cleanser and gadget I could think of and they stayed , so I learned to live with them and even come to appreciate them as a custom design ...LOL 

Now we have to finish the molding and work on the main bathroom a little and except for some organizing and installing  the smoke detectors we are ready for the home study , well as ready as we can be. 

Busy Busy

   We have all been very busy getting things cleaned, organized and repaired before out home study in a few weeks. Paul & Austin are painting the living room tonight to cover up all the marks Aiden made through the years and the scuff marks and stains from all the spilled foods and drinks. It looks so fresh and clean. But it's also sad to see the memories just gone of his tiny hands and the adorable messy things he made.   I know it's crazy and I am so happy that it looks better . I hope that all this isn't for nothing. But of course if it doesn't work out at least the house will look better . I am positive that we won't pass the very first home study and that we will have a list of things we have to do and fix. My biggests fear is that they're going to come in and decide the home isn't decent enough for any child and then take my child away from ME .. Yes I know that's a crazy paranoid way to think ,but it's the things that go through my head 

   Been having some major pain in my stomach the past few days, I a worried about it and thought about going to the emergency room but I made an appointment with the OB or a follow up from the D&E and miscarriage. So I am going to try my best to wait until then and maybe even this will get better and I will realize that it is normal and nothing to be such a sissy about . Plus I also got my results from the bloodwork the cardiologist did. And man oh man my cholesterol is crazy high , so I know that he isn't going to be happy that I stopped taking the medicine when I was pregnant and never started it back. I don't really want to either but it looks as if that is the one medicine I really need to take . Unless I don't want to prolong my life on earth . Plus one of the results seemed a little high for kidney damage and I want to ask him about that one too