I have a cousin whom I am very close to and she is expecting a baby girl in April. I have each week bought a gift for her shower that I knew would be coming up soon, and I thought that it would be tough to buy a baby gift after the miscarriage, but it wasn't as bad as I expected. I did have the take my breath away moment of why not me - but it wasn't unbearable. I remembered the smile Aiden has when I walk into the room and the way he says HI mom - and he brings me sunshine and makes my whole body smile- not even sure if that makes sense , my whole body smile, but that;s the way he makes me feel.
Had another Beta HCG test yesterday and i'm waiting to see what the results of that are- hopefully it will be below 5 so that I can stop the weekly bloodwork and this ordeal be over and I can put this to rest. The bleeding has become dark brown and I know that's old blood, and no more clots so I am really really hoping that it's over and I can begin living again. And not focus on what my body has planned for me today--but who am I kidding I am obsessed with what my body is up to- or at least I am now- the past two years just focusing on my babyboy and not even thinking about fertility issues have been vacation that I didn't even realize I was on - until I had to think about it after a surprise pregnancy - I am now gonna be wondering each month. I plan to try NOT to focus on it but we will see how that goes !
Friday, February 22, 2013
Sunday, February 17, 2013
334
SO I went for the folow up and there was still a small amount of placental tissue left , why can't my body hold onto the baby with the same grip as it does with the tissue ? I dont this after Allison's birth as well, I couldn't keep the most treasured and precious gift but my body refused to let go of the rest .
The nurse practitioner thinks that since it is a small amount that my body should take care of it on its own REALLY --because my body never seems to do what it's supposed to do or what's normal so why does this time seem like it will be any different ??I just know that in a few weeks or months I am gonna have some complications and it will be from the tissue that never left ! I have to go back for weekly beta HCG tests to see that my levels drop to below 5 - I wish that this could just be over so I could move on and get over this. The teary-eyed days are gone and I am accepting the hand that fate has dealt me, I just wish I didn't have to prolong it with weekly visits to a OB office knwoing that my womd is empty, and it shoudl have a growing boucny baby in there. Plus I get to sit with all the pregnant women who are glowing and rubbing their swollen bellies and wonder why it isn't me .
I want to go into myself and hide away from the world and the pain that my heart feels lately, but then I spend time with Aiden and he brings the sunshine back into my dark day. He amazes me everyday and makes my heart smile. I just look at him sleeping and can't believe he is mine and i get the privilege of being his mom -- the privilege that I vow never to abuse, I choose to spend my days with him because I know how precious his life is .
The nurse practitioner thinks that since it is a small amount that my body should take care of it on its own REALLY --because my body never seems to do what it's supposed to do or what's normal so why does this time seem like it will be any different ??I just know that in a few weeks or months I am gonna have some complications and it will be from the tissue that never left ! I have to go back for weekly beta HCG tests to see that my levels drop to below 5 - I wish that this could just be over so I could move on and get over this. The teary-eyed days are gone and I am accepting the hand that fate has dealt me, I just wish I didn't have to prolong it with weekly visits to a OB office knwoing that my womd is empty, and it shoudl have a growing boucny baby in there. Plus I get to sit with all the pregnant women who are glowing and rubbing their swollen bellies and wonder why it isn't me .
I want to go into myself and hide away from the world and the pain that my heart feels lately, but then I spend time with Aiden and he brings the sunshine back into my dark day. He amazes me everyday and makes my heart smile. I just look at him sleeping and can't believe he is mine and i get the privilege of being his mom -- the privilege that I vow never to abuse, I choose to spend my days with him because I know how precious his life is .
Monday, February 11, 2013
SAD
We lost the baby, I guess somewhere in my subconscious I knew that it wasn't a healthy pregnancy and all the issues with bleeding and clots wasn't healthy. however when my HCG level come back at 9000, I got my hopes up and even thought that it might be twins ..and hoped that it would be at least one girl- but it wasn't meant to be. I keep hearing that it was god's will and his plan--there is a reason for everything blah,blah,blah.......right now i am still coming to terms with the loss and don't understand ''god's plan'' , and why it has to hurt so much. I didn't understand the loss of our daughter either and we now have a beautiful baby boy who delights and amazes me every day. So I am sure that someday I will understand the losses we have dealt with and the pain will have a meaning - just not today.
surprised that we conceived on our own--- now I have to wonder if I am fertile enough for that to happen again , and in some ways this is as emotional as the fertility treatments ---
surprised that we conceived on our own--- now I have to wonder if I am fertile enough for that to happen again , and in some ways this is as emotional as the fertility treatments ---
Friday, February 1, 2013
WOW
So I know it has been a long time since I posted anything on here, I have some other blogs about things in my life and I was gonna put this on there but this is more for this blog.. I had weight loss surgery in june 2012 and have lost almost 60 pounds and I was excited because my menstrual cycle has been more normal than it has ever been for as long as I can remember. I went to the dr in December right after christmas for some reason that I can't recall, and just out of curiosity they did a urine pregnancy test and it was negative. I was fine with that wasn't expecting it to be any different. I have dealt with infertility PCOS & endometriosis so i had no expectations of a pregnancy without medical assistance.
January 6th was the date I shoudl have started my period - I had some brown discharge on the 8th and I knew it was the beginning of my cycle, but it just didn't start and I was kinda of sad because I was hoping the PCOS issues were getting better, then on the 12th I started bleeding and passing a lot of clots - aand then nothign for a few days. Paul as you know works out of town and we only see each other on the weekends, he is a very sexual being and he wanted sex, so I said ok get a towel and maybe it won't be too bad because it's just a little brown discharge. well I was wrong after sex I had a lot of bleeding and even more clots. this continued for days and then would just be a very light spotting for a few days . This has continued since then. the pain was getting really unbearable, so I called the gynecologist and made an appointment, I was thinking I had some type pf gyn cancer and that the Dr would recommend a hysterectomy , to which this thought made me kind of sad, because I want to have a little girl but I have been coming to terms slowly with the fact that this may not happen for us -biologically anyway.Well she said I had a lot of clots and my uterus was very inflammed, she kept asking me if there was a chance I could be pregnant, which I said no --she then said maybe we should do a STD test to check and an ultrasound to see if their is major inflammation in uterus. And to my utter amazement there is a baby in there !!! I even saw the flutter of the tiny heartbeat and was able to hear it . I was totally shocked , and of course then worried because of all the blood I was passing and the cramping. I had a beta HCG that day tuesday the 29th and it was 9000 -- HOLY COW , it was never that high in any of my other pregnancies at 5 weeks. I am on the lovenox injection to help with my factor V leiden clotting disorder. And today I went for a repeat beta HSG level. I am a nervous wreck waitng to heat that result. I most likely will not know that result until monday, I don't want to wait a whole weekend and worry its literally driving me insane. I am cranky with Aiden and every thing irritates me, my nerves are so on edge. Part of me wants whatever is gonna happen to just happen and get it over with it. If god is gonna take this baby then I wish he would just get it over with . I know this makes me sound horrible and cold hearted, but since I lost my daughter in 2009 I have had so much trouble accepting what everyone says is ''god's will''....I get so mad at god some days , and want to completely reject the idea of him. Then other days I cling to the faith that he is there .
January 6th was the date I shoudl have started my period - I had some brown discharge on the 8th and I knew it was the beginning of my cycle, but it just didn't start and I was kinda of sad because I was hoping the PCOS issues were getting better, then on the 12th I started bleeding and passing a lot of clots - aand then nothign for a few days. Paul as you know works out of town and we only see each other on the weekends, he is a very sexual being and he wanted sex, so I said ok get a towel and maybe it won't be too bad because it's just a little brown discharge. well I was wrong after sex I had a lot of bleeding and even more clots. this continued for days and then would just be a very light spotting for a few days . This has continued since then. the pain was getting really unbearable, so I called the gynecologist and made an appointment, I was thinking I had some type pf gyn cancer and that the Dr would recommend a hysterectomy , to which this thought made me kind of sad, because I want to have a little girl but I have been coming to terms slowly with the fact that this may not happen for us -biologically anyway.Well she said I had a lot of clots and my uterus was very inflammed, she kept asking me if there was a chance I could be pregnant, which I said no --she then said maybe we should do a STD test to check and an ultrasound to see if their is major inflammation in uterus. And to my utter amazement there is a baby in there !!! I even saw the flutter of the tiny heartbeat and was able to hear it . I was totally shocked , and of course then worried because of all the blood I was passing and the cramping. I had a beta HCG that day tuesday the 29th and it was 9000 -- HOLY COW , it was never that high in any of my other pregnancies at 5 weeks. I am on the lovenox injection to help with my factor V leiden clotting disorder. And today I went for a repeat beta HSG level. I am a nervous wreck waitng to heat that result. I most likely will not know that result until monday, I don't want to wait a whole weekend and worry its literally driving me insane. I am cranky with Aiden and every thing irritates me, my nerves are so on edge. Part of me wants whatever is gonna happen to just happen and get it over with it. If god is gonna take this baby then I wish he would just get it over with . I know this makes me sound horrible and cold hearted, but since I lost my daughter in 2009 I have had so much trouble accepting what everyone says is ''god's will''....I get so mad at god some days , and want to completely reject the idea of him. Then other days I cling to the faith that he is there .
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