CD2

Well it finally finally happened- I started my cycle , I had to take the provera for 10 days and it took 5days after stopping that to start - I didn't think it was gonna happen GEEZ - now it of course is really really painful and heavy, but I am dealing with it and hoping that it won't last too long. I just thought that the weight loss would make my cycle more regular, so I guess we will see if it works after this cycle and then if it continues on a normal pattern for at least 3 months then I will start trying to conceive and see if it happens for us without scientific assistance !!!!!

NOTHING

I have been off of the provera for 4 days now and NO period, barely any cramping to make even hint that it may be on the way ---GEEZ how come she shows up when you have hopes that their is life in your uterus - and now doesn't when you are actually ready for the whole thing to get started !!!!! Mother nature for sure is a cruel vindictive woman --OK OK maybe I am being a bit dramatic but someon how many of you feel the same way some months ?????
  I have mentioned foster to adopt programs to the hubby and he didn't really seem extremely excited about the idea, I think he goes through different emotions as far as having another child together. Some days he seem to be sappy and wants another one and other times he kind of shrugs it off.

Today is the last day of a 10 day cycle of provera - I haven't had a period since june and of course I am nor pregnant. I also have endometriosis and I am supposed to call the dr on cycle day one and take a lupron shot-to help with some pain that I was having issues with earlier in the year. I took a Lupron shot when I was trying to get pregnant before IUI to shut down my system and make it easier for the meds to "restart" my hormonal cycle. The pain is better and I am really struglling with the decision to take it or not. I want to help stop the pain, and would be ok restarting my system -but gosh that stuff makes me feel so yucky. I am trying to think positive and hope that with the provera and the 50 pounds of weight loss that it will make me ovulate after this cycle , but I am not gonna get my hopes up ! Ah who am i kidding we all know that's not true. I have already calculated a due dat if I were to get pregnant ---
  I recently had a vertigo spell and had to go to the ER and they said they would have to do a pregnancy test in case and I was secretly hoping it would be one of those well you are pregnant visits where ladies get that "surprise" diagnosis --but ALAS no such luck . I am trying to think positive that it will happen if it's meant to be and be grateful for the toddler who is currently sleeping peacefully in his toddler bed - all by himself for the first time since he came home from hospital as a newborn. Yep I was a co-sleeping mommy. I just couldn't resist cuddling with him at night and didn't wanna be away from him for one second more than I had to be, so he slept with me every night. But I now realize that was selfish and he needs to learn to sleep on his own and it will be better for him to have a regular sleep schedule

?????

OK so I haven't started my period since june -and no I am not pregnant ..I keep waiting for my system to improve with the weight loss, but i haven't noticed any change at all -escept my hair is falling out just as much and maybe more than it was before . I had hoped that I would magically become pregnant after losing the weight, but I guess that;s not happening for me. I was watching Aiden play today and realized that I am very tired every day, I go to bed exhausted and some days frustrated from dealing with the terrible 2's ...and today I actually told myself that maybe I would be ok with Aiden and that I should start to come to terms with him being my only living biological child. I really wanted a daughter , but I think I might be at the stage in life where I am ready to give that dream up and have time to myself when Aiden is in school..
In a week or so heck maybe even tomorrow, I will probably feel a lot different ! But today this is how I feel.
    I also got an email from the fertility clinic that we used for Allison and Aiden and they opened an office closer to our house. Is that a sign ???? maybe -maybe not .
    I am going to have to get my provera prescription filled this week and take it , because the GYN said I need to have a cycle at least every 3 months to keep the endometriosis from building up --ugggg I so do not like to take that stuff, it definitely works , but the period is so painful after taking those. And mine are already painful enough-

nothing

so 3 months after surgery and -50 lbs almost and still no normal period ..when is this uspposed to happen after weight loss. All I kept hearing from dr's was lose weight and it will improve you fertility --really well I have and nothign yet suckers ----How long do I have to wait, I'm not getting any younger here people..and lets face it chasing a baby at my age is getting tougher everyday.  I know that the diabetes is reversed but I am thinking that all the hype about PCOS being reversed if you lose at least 10% of your body weight is just that HYPE. Maybe I am wrong and now my issue is from the endometriosis.As soon as I start a cycle I will do the lupron and maybe that will help the endometriosis.Just my luck though as soon as I think I am getting one condition under control that is impeding my fertility another becomes the main reason for concern,
 I wonder if I could go back to the RE and go straight to an IUI cycle or would I have to go through all the other stuff and be like a new patient--I don't have the time or the funds for all that again--another surgery for endometrial ablation would proabbaly help me too, but I am thinking that the insurance will not pay for that again unless my Ob/GYN suggests it ---hmm maybe the one little miracle is all I get in this lifetime. And I am starting to accept it and be grateful because I know that some women do not even get that. I could have easily been one of the women who no mater what we tried it just didn't work out the wya we dreamed. My pregnancy was such a struggle to get him here at a safe time and keep him in their until he was ready. After losing Allison ot incompetent cervix I know the heartache that could happen . I miss her so much some days --and I try really hard to be grateful for the 20 weeks I got to have her little soul growing inside me--I always tell her I am so sorry that I didn't save her or know more about what was happening  --and some days I really really dislike the dr who sent me home and said I was fine --I would like to just sit with him and ask him why ?????? but because so many people are scared of lawsuits and stuff I just knwo that wouldn't be an option --and after a few months I learned he had been fired from the practice . yes I made a complaint and asked t=my case to be reviewed and wanted answers but at them time I was mostly looking for someone else to take the blame so that I wouldn;t feel so guilty.

normal cylce ????

yesterday I thought maybe I was going to start my menstral cycle without the help of provera..just a little spotting gave me big hopes --odd --seeing as how that spotting usually depresses me . But I took a pregnancy test last week and it was negative and as we all know , nothing can bring on a period like taking a hpt..at least not for me anyway. today nothing but some cramping which is usually debilitating with endometriosis. I am wondering if weight loss helps that condition like it does PCOS, haven't noticed much change in either condition and I have lost 44 pounds..I thought it only took 10% to make a difference.
Had to go to a baby shower sunday, and i was happy for her and hid my inner anguish of wishing I was the one who was getting hte gifts and looking so big and pregnant .
another cousin is also pregnant.also ...
So I am trying so hard to be happy and not concentrate on the fact that it isn't me

working on it

Well yesterday was still a dreary day for mel and it was a rainy day so it went well with my weepy mood . I know some would say Geez be happy you have that little guy and millions of women would say they would be so grateful just to have had one !!!I am getting to that mindset, and trying really hard to think that way. I am extremely grateful for my son and the miracle of pregnancy....I'm just selfish and want it again...once the news of the new pregnancies sinks in I will adjust and be ok ...I think I am just human and deserve a few days of longing and feeleing sad for what never will be ....but I have more WOW I can't believe that I got my baby days ---so yeah i'm giving myself permission to be selfish for a few days

Mixed emotions

SO last night I am on facebook, and I see that another one of my cousins is expecting again...I Am happy for her but sad for me, It just seems unfair that I am the one person in our family who can't just pop up pregnant...after Aiden was born pregnancy news wasn't so hard ot handle because I could hold my iracle in my arms and see how blessed I am. So how come that feeling has gone away, he is still a treasured blessing to me and makes my heart skip a beat every time I see him smile ! So why did I get that same old feeling when I saw the pic of a positive pregnancy test-ya know that punched in the gut , i'm gonna have to act happy while my insides are churning with envy feeling.. I realized that I will never have that joy of the am i pregnant ????? Phase and the sheer joy of taking a test to see the two lines--- Life just seems unfair !!!!!!!!!
  I want td be pregnant again , i'm almost 40 though and with my issues it just isn't reasonable, I wonder if I had a daughter to parent here on earth would it fill that void I seem to have, or would I still have that missing piece ? Wouldn't having having a girl put a lot of pressure on her to have all the dreams we had for Allison come true ?? And of course I had to tell my cousin I am hoping for a girl because she already has a son, and yeah I do hope she gets her girl,but I know its gonna hurt when she posts those IT"S A GIRL ultrasound pictures, I have another cousind due in december and she wanted a little girl but found out she is having a boy --and as horrible as this is gonna sound when she foudn out it was a boy ,I honestly breathed a sigh of relief. As I am typing this and reading the thoughts coming out of my head , I realize I need to get counseling or go to a grief support group , to help me with my feelings .....

do I ???????

• I woke up this morning and checked email and facebook like I do almost every single day. And I remembered that today was the anniversary of a friends child's death, her beautiful daughter was killed in a car accident and it gor me thinking about allison and how we only had a few precious moments with her before she passed and this ladies daughter was 10 . I started wondering if the pain is the same if you lose a child you never got to parent as it is to lose a child you watched grow and change until the sad day that god called them home ??? This revelation also made me wonder if I was meant to have a little girl or if I was just meant to be a mommy to my son, do I want to hope for another pregnancy and dream that it will be a daughter for us to parent here on earth ? I am almost 40 well another year and I will be, so what kind of wuality life will I offer my children,will they want a mother as a teenager who could very well be mistaken for a grandparent ? What if I die at the same age as my father ,57 that means Aiden would only be 17 when i left him, thats not nearly long enough with your parent, but a lifetime would never have been long enough for me to spend with the ones I have lost already, so doI regret the time we did have togehter NOI treasure those momoents we shared ---I could offer a new baby so much love and treasure them for the gift they are, just like we do Aiden, even on the days when he is screaming and being very difficult , I wouldn't trade those days for anything for I know the pain that the alternative causes.. So as of today I am still not 100 % sure I am ready for the roller-coaster of wanting another child. My mind changes every day sometimes more than once a day, in an hour I may be staring out the window longing to feel that baby growing inside me again, or I may be wondering how to start the process of adoption and know for sure that we can ask for a girl...I could tell her everyday how special she is that she was chosen because we wanted her so very much--------

08/07/2012

This morning I wondered if I could conceive another child without the IUI and fertility meds. I have recently lost over 30 pounds and I am hoping that this improves my PCOS symptoms. I do not see regular periods yet, but I have noticed signs that my body is trying to be normal. I want a little girl , I have a daughter but she is an angel baby, and i love her and treasure the too short time we had together...but i wanna hold a daughter in my arms and dress her up every day, buy her the cute little pink frilly outfits with matching hair bows and sandals. i see other families with boys and girls and wonder if they feel complete, or do they too have a sense that something is missing in their family, I see a little blonde curly Head girl and my heart aches , because that is what Paul and i imagine our Allison would've looked like. The pain of losing her is so raw and fresh some days. Aiden is a treasure to us and we love him very much , but having him doesn't lessen the ache we feel for the child we never got to be parents to, yes I have a daughter but she isn't in my arms, she is only in my heart and memory..
I do want to have another child but as I ma almost 40 I doubt that will happen, so do I still consider myself infertile if I have a child ?????? I can't just tell my husband that I wanna get pregnant chart my cycle and have intercourse, expecting the test to show two lines..so am I infertile ??? I know that the official medical term is secondary infertility...But how do i ask god for a second blessing without feeling ungrateful for the treasure he already blessed me with. And i know that millions of women would say --suck it up --at least you got to experience the magic of pregnancy--and they are right. I did, but that doesn't lessen the pain of wanting to experience it again.

LONG 2 years

I just signed on to here and noticed that I have totally and completely neglected to update this blog. So shame on me,
I am happy to report that I am now the mother of a very active 2 year old little boy. After several years ( over ten) of infertility treatments, two failed IUI and 25 weeks of bedrest after a cervical cerclage, and a scary emergency c-section after 3 days of labor, I held my miracle in my arms finally. And he was worth every second of it.... I was still in shock when we left the hospital and on the way down the hall to our car I kept thinking I was going to wake up from my dream to learn that it wasn't true at all...
Don't give up hope ladies, my struggle was long and had many heartbreaking roller coaster emotion days, I never thought I would experience the miracle of pregnancy , but I also nevr gave up hope either.