miscarriage # too many

Today was a follow up ultrasound to check on a cyst that the tech found after the miscarriage.  Made it to week 8 this time and in the beginning I just KNEW this one was going to make it and I felt for sure it was a girl . But I will never know .
 Anyway the cyst is troublesome and doc ordered a CA125 bloodtest and now I wait for the results and then if that is normal range, I wait for another ultrasound in six weeks to see how the cyst looks. If it's still there then they'll remove it surgically and test it i'm sure

School

I have chosen to homeschool Aiden -- this is the kindergarten year and it's going well. I'm having a lot of fun finding ways to teach him new things .. He seems to enjoy it also , of course he doesn't know the difference between here and an actual classroom . 

I joined a group and hope that we will be able to do the co-op classes and he can join other children when they have park days and field trips . 

I worry that I'm making a mistake, and what if I cause irreparable damage ?? Hope that's normal part of the beginning of this process .

July is almost over... 24 hours and it will be the last day of the seventh month of the year. Wow it has gone by so quickly this year. Of course's  logically I know that it's the exact same amount of time, but it just seems like its moving fast. I should be huge and pregnant and waiting for the birth of a new baby--but nope it's not happening for me. My due date was sept 6th this year and most days I don't think much about the miscarriage and then other days I realize the gestational period I should be and I feel so empty My oldest son Scott keeps wanting us to take care of his son who is a year old, and I just can't. I know that makes me the most insensitive cold hearted grandmother in the world. But I can't understand why they get a child and don't appreciate his life and I get a glimmer of hope and then boom it's taken away ( if you've followed my story then you know scott isn't my bio son )   I know it isn't the baby fault who is his parents are and that I should do better--TRUST ME I KNOW-----but I can't help the way I feel . I want to finish the foster care process and get that license but part of me is scared of that too. What if we get a little girl ans she is the dream we have been waiting for and then she too is taken away --could my already broken heart handle that ? I tell myself that maybe helping children when they need me the most could help the healing process and repair the broken pieces of my heart and soul... But would it every stop hurting to see a beautiful sweet little blond haired girl and wonder why mine isn't here ? ? I watch Aiden ( 5) play and I am still amazed that he is my child and I am always fearing the worst is going to happen. He is smart and caring and the love and bond we share is wonderful.  I love the other boys the same and we each have a different bond. I would be lying if I said that the bond is the same as it is with Aiden. They know that I am their biggest fan and that I will also tell them the truth good or bad but also that no matter what I will love them. They have been given the opportunity to contact their birth mom and they have chosen at this point not to . Not sure if I am happy about that or sad for them. I couldn't imagine not being in Aidens life every single day , and I really don't see myself making the choices that their birth mother made ( and it wasn't drugs)
I have been struggling with the choice of homeschool. public or private school for him this year and I am worried that I will make the wrong choice for his future -- sure wish this choice wa easier. or that I could see the future

just me

  Yeah as you can see I am having some issues with loving me !! I have always had low self esteem 90 % of my life, I want to believe the good things I hear and I honestly yearn for those compliments,but they don't last long and then I am back to the why I'm not mode of thinking. I see others having what seems like the time of their life and doing what they seem to love and I envy them that feeling of contentment.  So what does that mean for me ?? I don't know --I wish I did . But what I DO know is that I need to start exploring some of my own interests and dreams. I tend to be a cheerleader or supporter for others and put my own dreams and hobbies on the backburner. I gave up my EMT and Firefighter lifestyle to be with my husband and his boys , he was a jealous partner and I truly loved him and being a mom to our boys . I do wish I would've learned how to balance the mix better and not just let mine go. But I did and maybe because I did I have this amazing 4 year old laying beside me sleeping this morning. ..So if I could change the past ..would I ????? What-if this miracle would've never happened ...
 Hubby is getting his pilot license and I am happy for him and Proud of him, but jealous also. Because if it were me who wanted to do something like this I doubt that he would support it. He wouldn't say no, but he wouldn't make it as easy and enjoyable for me as I have for him . I once mentioned that I would like to continue my EMT career path and his response asn't what I would have told him. he said we can try ...but I can't promise it won't cause us problems ---REALLY ???? What if I said those things to him, I think if I hadn't have been so easy going in the beginning then he would've had to choose to trust me and watch me flourish, or let me go...but as the issue has always been.. my self esteem wouldn't let me stand up for myself and fight for my dream. I just let his success be my success too . He makes sure he mentions that I benefit from his success, which I agree. But why don't I deserve to have a dream come true ?  I keep telling myself it's because I don't contribut anything financially to the home, and as he subtly reminds me , he could find another woman to clean the house and not have to hold a job . This makes him sound like a horrible person , but he isn't.. he is a great provider. And in the only way I think he knows how he is a great husband and father .
 I watch other people post on social media about the job they have is the dream of their life and they are loving every second of it, and then I see these independent women on Blogs etc talk about the adventures that they have and I earn for that sense of accomplishment. Would I want it if I had it, would I wish that I was at home every second of the day to do whatever I want ??? I have no idea .

Another cycle

Well, it's cycle day 2 and of course the endometriosis pain is horrible and practically unbearable . I can deal with it though. I have to keep telling myself that it will only last a few days and I can make it . The only medication that I take is ibuprofen , at the beginning of January whe I found out I was pregnant I stopped every medication and after the miscarriage I never started it again. I shrugged it off when the OB kept remarking on how strong I was and how he was in awe at the things I have Been through and the courage I showed. I never believed it because inside I felt as weak as a wet paper towel ( and not bounty either LOL) . But as time goes by I've though about his comments and that other people have said the same thing, and I've began to realize I AM.. So when I feel as if the atrocities of my day are too much to handle and I want to reach for pharmaceuticals to help, I repeat to myself that I am strong, and tough and I can handle this . Whether it be the horrible vise-like grip of endometriosis,, the gut wrenching spasms of Crohn's disease, the horrible diarrhea that keeps me feet away from a toilet , the I'm gonna surely die anxiety and panic attacks, or the I can't even breathe without wincing in pain fibromyalgia, or the numerous spine conditions--- I take a small amount of OTC medication to help and the tell myself --you got this-- it won't last forever -- you gotta kick in to beast mode and beat this -- and a you know what ??? It really works .. Most of my cycles I need Vicodin and soma  to survive the first 4 days, but since the miscarriage this is cycle number 4 and I never took one prescription pain med or muscle relaxer.. Heating pad , lots of water, some hot tea just to soothe me and 2-3 ibuprofen and a good movie or novel and I make it through !!! So yeah I may sound conceited but I am strong !!!!!! 

Toes in the sand

Woke up this morning to an ocean view and the salty smell in the wind blowing through the balcony air.... Aahhhhhhhh vacation ?? Nope but it's ok because if I am near an ocean I'm happy . My other in law had to come to Florida for a lawsuit and we bright her, so we booked a hotel in Clearwater beach and when we arrived they upgraded us to a suite !!!  They have great amenities and plenty of activities to do without having to leave the hotel property. But I have to walk the area and see the sites, and of course I have no choice , I have to find a local thrift or consignment store. It's my addiction and I have to feed this addiction . There we much worse thing to be addicted to I suppose. And I've managed to find great deals during my excursions. I love it when someone compliments and outfit or accessories that I've purchased second-hand . I have a low self esteem and I secretly crave these compliments. My other tells me that I would look nice in a potato sack.. Which coming from her is hard-earned because she doesn't have a maternal bone in her body !!!   

 We haven't yet made it to the sand and sea, Aiden was super happy to be at the kiddie pool and I want to see him happy , so we stayed at the pool . And had dinner at the restaurant in the hotel , and the most delicious Bloody Mary I've tasted in , well forever ! And tonight I am gonna try the tropical drink with the umbrella or the one in the bucket , maybe both !!! One around lunch and the other at dinner..why mot I am in the tropical areaso might as well.   

Odd symptom

 Today is only cycle day 13 and I'm already spotting . I don't remember ever doing this before , Except for a few cycles when I was on birth control period when I was 19 . I've been carefully monitoring and tracking my cycles since the miscarriage in February and this has me both puzzled and  worried ? Hubby and I had intercourse Thursday and I noticed spotting afterwards and we had intercourse  last night and this morning the spotting has been a little heavier than last time but not nearly enough for it to be a period . Well at least not so far anyway . So I'm worried that this is one of the signs of ovarian cancer , which has been a fear of mine for a long time. I have had abnormal Pap smears and once had treatment for HPV when I was 23, so I'm always wondering about ht reproductive cancers . I have had normal Pap smears for the last 9 years.  I am due for one actually overdue and was going to have it at the OB appointment when they discovered the baby had no heartbeat, and I'm guessing they chose to not do it so we could deal with the news. Part of me was and still is hoping it could be implantation, but I really doubt that's a possibility . I have been taking OPK and they have had two lines but the test line is never darker than the control line .

  Have some things planned for the next two weeks so I will have to wait to make an appointment and just hope for the best .   Wondering too if it could be still because of the miscarriage and my system is just confused ????