School

I have chosen to homeschool Aiden -- this is the kindergarten year and it's going well. I'm having a lot of fun finding ways to teach him new things .. He seems to enjoy it also , of course he doesn't know the difference between here and an actual classroom . 

I joined a group and hope that we will be able to do the co-op classes and he can join other children when they have park days and field trips . 

I worry that I'm making a mistake, and what if I cause irreparable damage ?? Hope that's normal part of the beginning of this process .

July is almost over... 24 hours and it will be the last day of the seventh month of the year. Wow it has gone by so quickly this year. Of course's  logically I know that it's the exact same amount of time, but it just seems like its moving fast. I should be huge and pregnant and waiting for the birth of a new baby--but nope it's not happening for me. My due date was sept 6th this year and most days I don't think much about the miscarriage and then other days I realize the gestational period I should be and I feel so empty My oldest son Scott keeps wanting us to take care of his son who is a year old, and I just can't. I know that makes me the most insensitive cold hearted grandmother in the world. But I can't understand why they get a child and don't appreciate his life and I get a glimmer of hope and then boom it's taken away ( if you've followed my story then you know scott isn't my bio son )   I know it isn't the baby fault who is his parents are and that I should do better--TRUST ME I KNOW-----but I can't help the way I feel . I want to finish the foster care process and get that license but part of me is scared of that too. What if we get a little girl ans she is the dream we have been waiting for and then she too is taken away --could my already broken heart handle that ? I tell myself that maybe helping children when they need me the most could help the healing process and repair the broken pieces of my heart and soul... But would it every stop hurting to see a beautiful sweet little blond haired girl and wonder why mine isn't here ? ? I watch Aiden ( 5) play and I am still amazed that he is my child and I am always fearing the worst is going to happen. He is smart and caring and the love and bond we share is wonderful.  I love the other boys the same and we each have a different bond. I would be lying if I said that the bond is the same as it is with Aiden. They know that I am their biggest fan and that I will also tell them the truth good or bad but also that no matter what I will love them. They have been given the opportunity to contact their birth mom and they have chosen at this point not to . Not sure if I am happy about that or sad for them. I couldn't imagine not being in Aidens life every single day , and I really don't see myself making the choices that their birth mother made ( and it wasn't drugs)
I have been struggling with the choice of homeschool. public or private school for him this year and I am worried that I will make the wrong choice for his future -- sure wish this choice wa easier. or that I could see the future

just me

  Yeah as you can see I am having some issues with loving me !! I have always had low self esteem 90 % of my life, I want to believe the good things I hear and I honestly yearn for those compliments,but they don't last long and then I am back to the why I'm not mode of thinking. I see others having what seems like the time of their life and doing what they seem to love and I envy them that feeling of contentment.  So what does that mean for me ?? I don't know --I wish I did . But what I DO know is that I need to start exploring some of my own interests and dreams. I tend to be a cheerleader or supporter for others and put my own dreams and hobbies on the backburner. I gave up my EMT and Firefighter lifestyle to be with my husband and his boys , he was a jealous partner and I truly loved him and being a mom to our boys . I do wish I would've learned how to balance the mix better and not just let mine go. But I did and maybe because I did I have this amazing 4 year old laying beside me sleeping this morning. ..So if I could change the past ..would I ????? What-if this miracle would've never happened ...
 Hubby is getting his pilot license and I am happy for him and Proud of him, but jealous also. Because if it were me who wanted to do something like this I doubt that he would support it. He wouldn't say no, but he wouldn't make it as easy and enjoyable for me as I have for him . I once mentioned that I would like to continue my EMT career path and his response asn't what I would have told him. he said we can try ...but I can't promise it won't cause us problems ---REALLY ???? What if I said those things to him, I think if I hadn't have been so easy going in the beginning then he would've had to choose to trust me and watch me flourish, or let me go...but as the issue has always been.. my self esteem wouldn't let me stand up for myself and fight for my dream. I just let his success be my success too . He makes sure he mentions that I benefit from his success, which I agree. But why don't I deserve to have a dream come true ?  I keep telling myself it's because I don't contribut anything financially to the home, and as he subtly reminds me , he could find another woman to clean the house and not have to hold a job . This makes him sound like a horrible person , but he isn't.. he is a great provider. And in the only way I think he knows how he is a great husband and father .
 I watch other people post on social media about the job they have is the dream of their life and they are loving every second of it, and then I see these independent women on Blogs etc talk about the adventures that they have and I earn for that sense of accomplishment. Would I want it if I had it, would I wish that I was at home every second of the day to do whatever I want ??? I have no idea .

Another cycle

Well, it's cycle day 2 and of course the endometriosis pain is horrible and practically unbearable . I can deal with it though. I have to keep telling myself that it will only last a few days and I can make it . The only medication that I take is ibuprofen , at the beginning of January whe I found out I was pregnant I stopped every medication and after the miscarriage I never started it again. I shrugged it off when the OB kept remarking on how strong I was and how he was in awe at the things I have Been through and the courage I showed. I never believed it because inside I felt as weak as a wet paper towel ( and not bounty either LOL) . But as time goes by I've though about his comments and that other people have said the same thing, and I've began to realize I AM.. So when I feel as if the atrocities of my day are too much to handle and I want to reach for pharmaceuticals to help, I repeat to myself that I am strong, and tough and I can handle this . Whether it be the horrible vise-like grip of endometriosis,, the gut wrenching spasms of Crohn's disease, the horrible diarrhea that keeps me feet away from a toilet , the I'm gonna surely die anxiety and panic attacks, or the I can't even breathe without wincing in pain fibromyalgia, or the numerous spine conditions--- I take a small amount of OTC medication to help and the tell myself --you got this-- it won't last forever -- you gotta kick in to beast mode and beat this -- and a you know what ??? It really works .. Most of my cycles I need Vicodin and soma  to survive the first 4 days, but since the miscarriage this is cycle number 4 and I never took one prescription pain med or muscle relaxer.. Heating pad , lots of water, some hot tea just to soothe me and 2-3 ibuprofen and a good movie or novel and I make it through !!! So yeah I may sound conceited but I am strong !!!!!! 

Toes in the sand

Woke up this morning to an ocean view and the salty smell in the wind blowing through the balcony air.... Aahhhhhhhh vacation ?? Nope but it's ok because if I am near an ocean I'm happy . My other in law had to come to Florida for a lawsuit and we bright her, so we booked a hotel in Clearwater beach and when we arrived they upgraded us to a suite !!!  They have great amenities and plenty of activities to do without having to leave the hotel property. But I have to walk the area and see the sites, and of course I have no choice , I have to find a local thrift or consignment store. It's my addiction and I have to feed this addiction . There we much worse thing to be addicted to I suppose. And I've managed to find great deals during my excursions. I love it when someone compliments and outfit or accessories that I've purchased second-hand . I have a low self esteem and I secretly crave these compliments. My other tells me that I would look nice in a potato sack.. Which coming from her is hard-earned because she doesn't have a maternal bone in her body !!!   

 We haven't yet made it to the sand and sea, Aiden was super happy to be at the kiddie pool and I want to see him happy , so we stayed at the pool . And had dinner at the restaurant in the hotel , and the most delicious Bloody Mary I've tasted in , well forever ! And tonight I am gonna try the tropical drink with the umbrella or the one in the bucket , maybe both !!! One around lunch and the other at dinner..why mot I am in the tropical areaso might as well.   

Odd symptom

 Today is only cycle day 13 and I'm already spotting . I don't remember ever doing this before , Except for a few cycles when I was on birth control period when I was 19 . I've been carefully monitoring and tracking my cycles since the miscarriage in February and this has me both puzzled and  worried ? Hubby and I had intercourse Thursday and I noticed spotting afterwards and we had intercourse  last night and this morning the spotting has been a little heavier than last time but not nearly enough for it to be a period . Well at least not so far anyway . So I'm worried that this is one of the signs of ovarian cancer , which has been a fear of mine for a long time. I have had abnormal Pap smears and once had treatment for HPV when I was 23, so I'm always wondering about ht reproductive cancers . I have had normal Pap smears for the last 9 years.  I am due for one actually overdue and was going to have it at the OB appointment when they discovered the baby had no heartbeat, and I'm guessing they chose to not do it so we could deal with the news. Part of me was and still is hoping it could be implantation, but I really doubt that's a possibility . I have been taking OPK and they have had two lines but the test line is never darker than the control line .

  Have some things planned for the next two weeks so I will have to wait to make an appointment and just hope for the best .   Wondering too if it could be still because of the miscarriage and my system is just confused ????

Maca

 Last night I took my first pill is the supplement form off maca. I've read some interesting and hopeful things about this " superfood" and I think I am going to give it a shot and see what heppens.  My research as in google, seems to be a promising nutrient for the whole body and not just hormonal support. I'm hoping that it does help hormonal issues as well.  It even claims to help with sleep and insomnia as well as weight issues. But it seems that the weight loss benefit would e best for those suffering from thyroid issues or adrenal fatigue . Which I believe all PCOS ladies have some degree of adrenal fatigue . That organ has to be exhausted from dealing with our confused hormone system. 

Cycle day & hopes and dreams

  Well I finally started my cycle after the miscarriage . I was happy to see it come about a month after the procedure . It was also kind of sad too. It was a reminder that the pregnancy had ended and the baby wasn't there . 

 And yesterday an aunt called that usually doesn't call and she asked how the baby was doing . No one had told her that I'd had a miscarriage . And I had to tell her and it was like remembering again .  

   We have our hone study tomorrow for the foster/ adopt process, and we have done a lot around the house and I'm still afraid it isn't going to be good enough. I have always been a worst case scenario person,mainly because that's generally how a situation ends for me.  I'm excited that this could happen for us though. I've thought of being a faster mom for a very long time and i am starting to think this is my purpose for life , and that maybe this is why I've known so much heartache and loss and issues <u></u>ht conception and pregnancy . So that I will be able to understand what a miracle and treasure children are. I am extremely grateful for my bio- son and my adopted step sons and the experience of bing their mommy ! I know I can give children an unconditional love and lots of TLC , and it reunification is the goal, then I hope that I can help the parents and not be an enemy to them .

Paul is going to return to his job at the old company that will have him working out  of town all week . I'm a little disappointed that this May Henderson the foster or adoption process. And it hurts because his response when I mentioned this was-- I will be making more money and I we can just do the adoption route ...uggggggggg -- we have done all the training and certification for the fostering to adopt process and I am happy about this direction our lives are going and he doesn't seem to think it matters ! 

I have always supported his dreams  through our marriage and never criticized them and let him be who he wanted to be . Just like now ,he's taking the pilot classes to get his license ( and that is a huge financial obligation $7,000) and it takes a large amount of his time, I have been telling him how proud I and him and even copied the notes from the instructors manual for him....so I'm feeling that support is one- sided in our relationship . My dream has always been to be a paramedic and ultimately a life flight paramedic. But I had to quit the rescue squad because he has extreme jealousy issues from a previous marriage. And I quit the volunteer fire department for the same reason . I tried various jobs in the healthcare field and the jealousy he displayed always made it unbearable for me to work.  Yet I've never given him a reason to be jealous !!!! So I'm a abut cynical at the moment and trying hard to work through this feeling . 

Follow-up today

  At 2:45 today I go to the OB for the pathology report and the follow up from the miscarriage and surgery. I'm so scared and nervous that I almost cancelled this morning. But I know that I can summon the strength to do this ! I know that somewhere inside I am strong enought to do this, I've made it through much worse after all. I have to go alone, well not totally alone Aiden will be with me ( he's 4 ) . I have no one to watch him while I go , so like everything else he and mommy will figure it out. I will always be someone he can count on ! I think having him with me will force to me not break down if the need arises, I wouldn't want to upset him . I want to know the results and I don't want to know. I know that it won't change anything, the baby is still gone and my heart is still broken. I guess I will just have to learn how to deal with the results no mater what they are. I blame myself anyway so I guess this would just add file to the fire if they tell me the baby was prefect and it was Qing of my conditions. But will it make it any better if they say their was something wrong with the baby, will I be relieved that god took it back because it wasn't perfect ??? I just don't understand all this pain and heartache , isn't enough we loose our child ??? Everyone tells me god has a plan and their is a reason for everything, abut that really offers no comfort whatsoever .  Maybe in the future it will but I still have no comfort in losing my baby girl in 2009 and they told me she was perfect , she was born because yet again a my ody failed, and I have incompetent cervix.. As if we don't feel horrible enough the medical community has to use the word incompetent !!!!

  We have been really busy getting the house prepared for the anime study, still haven't heard an exact date though . We have painted most of the walls that needed it and finished the baseboards and crown molding in the living room and hallway. We have some yard work to finish , thanks to the recent snow and rains some of the limbs broke off trees and we had to cut some trees down to prevent further damage, and now we have to burn those or take them to the garbage dump. Burning ism much easier because we won't have to load an unload the trailer   But when we burn them we will have to rake up the ashes so that it doesn't look messy 

Better each day

  Yesterday was a good day . I was in some major pain from whatever this constant ache in my lower abdomen/ pelvic area , but I didn't constantly think about where the pregnancy would be at this stage. And today I woke up at 5:30 and stayed up , I made Paul breakfast ( scrambled eggs and sausage ) and getting up wasn't like ltrying to lift a car up . It was easy !!!! I even made the coffe this early ( Paul's doesn't drink it just me ) and stayed up and then I was eating breakfast with him and it hit me... I wasn't as sad . Although it kind of made me sad to not BE SAD ... Guess that can only make sense to someone who has felt this way. I think I am on the upside of this healing process.YAY ... . Still concerned about this pain , i do have my follow-up on the 11th and I'm sure i can manage to deal with it until then. I'm very worried that I have cause an infection and hope that it's not something that won't heal on its own. I always fear that the doctor will tell me I need a hysterectomy .

      The living walls have a fresh coat of paint and they look clean and neat, it was sad to cover up the markings Aiden made ...I tried scrubbing them with every cleanser and gadget I could think of and they stayed , so I learned to live with them and even come to appreciate them as a custom design ...LOL 

Now we have to finish the molding and work on the main bathroom a little and except for some organizing and installing  the smoke detectors we are ready for the home study , well as ready as we can be. 

Busy Busy

   We have all been very busy getting things cleaned, organized and repaired before out home study in a few weeks. Paul & Austin are painting the living room tonight to cover up all the marks Aiden made through the years and the scuff marks and stains from all the spilled foods and drinks. It looks so fresh and clean. But it's also sad to see the memories just gone of his tiny hands and the adorable messy things he made.   I know it's crazy and I am so happy that it looks better . I hope that all this isn't for nothing. But of course if it doesn't work out at least the house will look better . I am positive that we won't pass the very first home study and that we will have a list of things we have to do and fix. My biggests fear is that they're going to come in and decide the home isn't decent enough for any child and then take my child away from ME .. Yes I know that's a crazy paranoid way to think ,but it's the things that go through my head 

   Been having some major pain in my stomach the past few days, I a worried about it and thought about going to the emergency room but I made an appointment with the OB or a follow up from the D&E and miscarriage. So I am going to try my best to wait until then and maybe even this will get better and I will realize that it is normal and nothing to be such a sissy about . Plus I also got my results from the bloodwork the cardiologist did. And man oh man my cholesterol is crazy high , so I know that he isn't going to be happy that I stopped taking the medicine when I was pregnant and never started it back. I don't really want to either but it looks as if that is the one medicine I really need to take . Unless I don't want to prolong my life on earth . Plus one of the results seemed a little high for kidney damage and I want to ask him about that one too 

Negative

Well the pregnancy test was finally negative , so I'm hoping that means all the HCG hormone is out of my system . Of course it could still be too high since pregnancy test only test positive or 25miu or more , but at least that means it's going the right direction . Then last night I had this horrible pain in my left side , it was almost making me double over, I thought it was probably an ovarian cyst or something messed up with my tube ( usually for me it's always the bad ) then as I was walking through the house to go get some ibuprofen, an app on my phone sent me a notification that this was my fertile window ???????-- I thought for a second and then said ok then let's see. And the the OPK showed two lines , I couldn't believe it . Now I have read that PCOS and OPKs aren't reliable together . But of course hubby's was worried about the pain and came to see if I was ok and he saw the test !!!!!! He shifted into some kind of reproductive master mode. Of course y'all know what we did ..... And he said don't move, don't sit up stay still --WOW where did this all come from , he hasn't said one word about trying again after the miscarriage , but apparently he does. So now I suppose we are going to try and pretend we aren't on that roller coaster every month ! And now I am gonna feel like I am letting him down every month if it doesn't happen and if it does the chances for another miscarriage are high and how could we handle that again ?   Why does Mother Nature have to be so cruel , for many years my body wouldn't ovulate when I was young enough to have quality eggs and a healthier body and now that I'm over 40 , I ovulate AND get pregnant but their is some issue that won't allow me to carry to term. Is it egg quality ? I have ordered and been taking a supplement ( ovaboost) that is supposed to help with that issue but surely if this cycle was successful it wouldn't be enough in my system to make a difference ! And the cassava I started at the same time , which is supposed to work like clomid and cause OHSS , it couldn't work that quickly-- could it ????? Guess we will have to just see what is in the stars for us .

    On to another part of our life , Aiden has caught a cold/ virus and been running a fever. He is four (5 in July ) and this will be only his second cold his entire life , once he had a near infection while we were staying in a motel with his father who was working out of town. But his immune system is usually pretty strong , so I'm trying to keep him hydrated and comfortable , while disinfecting the rest of the house to protect the rest of us . He woke up this morning and immediately asked for a Popsicle to make his mouth cool off .. Poor little guy ,breaks my heart that he's feeling crappy and I can't do anything about it !! And the snow is here and so prettying and he wants to go make a snowman! How do I say no -- we hardly get snow in NC and kids grow up so fast , what if I say no and miss out on some great memories he could have, and what if I say eyes and his cold becomes something more than a cold ???   The older boys were sick so much more when they'd were his age. Partly I believe because their lack of nutritional foods and that their dad smoked and their birth mom wasn't the healthiest person either so I'm assuming she didn't eat healthy while pregnant . I will never understand why women like her can have babies as easy as breathing and then take it and the children for granted. And I know all these amazing women  who struggle and eat as perfectly as they can just to be sure . 

After losing Allison in 2009 to incompetent cervix and then two IUIs to conceive Aiedin the next year, I made sure to eat as healthy as I could , when I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes at 14 weeks I ate EXACTLY like the nutritionist told me to ,I would carefully measure every morsel that went in my mouth . The entire pregnancy I cheated ONE time and ate a fun size snicker bar, the guilt from that tiny little bit of indulgence was so much that i was never tempted again to cheat. I had a list of foods that I could eat as much as I wanted and no worries, I remember celery, and green beans being on that list and I ate so many green beans that it's a wonder he wasn't born looking like the hulk !!!!!!! Ironically these are his favorite veggie now.

Attempting normal

well I woke up this morning and for the first time I didn't take a pregnancy test. I decided to wait another day and try to get back to a normal a routine an

Do hope the peace from all this comes soon. I showered and treated myself as if I were going somewhere special , yummy lottion , the special occasion perfume and applied make-up , even though I know I'm not leaving the drive due to the weather . I did out pajamas back on but I figured at least I was working on it and starting to live myself a little more a. I opened our front door onto our newly finished covered porch and despite the cold took my coffee and a blanket and sit in the swing a enjoy the clean crisp air of freshly fallen snow. it seemed relaxing and sort of healing to my should and heartache , and I looked out to the snow covered trees and saw five of the most beautiful cardinals , my grandmother loved and treasured Mother Nature and especially the birds, with cardinals and blue jays being her very favorite . I feel as if it's her sending me a sign of love and encouragement that she is with me in spirit . So that was one of those happy tear moments because her love was one of a kind and I could really use one of the visits with her, where she used to just sit and hold your hand and lightly uh your arms with her fingernails while telling stories that always seemed to amaze me at how they made me feel better .  Took some great photos and I am going to edit them and post them when I learn how on here.

I have been reading a great book " wishing on baby dust" and it a wonderful story for ladies who are struggling to become mommies, but it also  grabs your heart strings and makes you feel the pain of these families a, more so if you've been through one of these situations. I am almost finished and it is causing such strong emotions today that I had tears for the entire time I was reading and then the inertia of the anxiety , so I had to brake down and take half of my anxiety med , which I was completely off of since I found out about the pregnancy , and did not want to need it again. But I know my body and I knew I was sliding toward ps the wrong place. I chose to come here and pour my heart out and stop the story until I can release these emotions for a bit. 

  I asked I god to help me come to peace with his decision to take my baby back ? I am still struggling with the why us and why does he seem so cruel, we will never know the answer to those 2 questions 

And it may be a good reason , maybe he's protecting us from something far more painful aa. At least that is what I tell myself to make it through the really bad days .  I also read another post who said once she came to terms with the miscarriage she had a discussion with the baby and said its time for us to let go and begin to heal and she said that within an hour she had completely finished her miscarriage , now I am working on letting go even though my baby is gone and has been since the D&E , I wonder too if I gave my body and heart permission to let go would it help ?

   Still taking the pregnitude powder in the morning and the ovaboost and cassava in the evenings and I haven't a noticed a huge change but I have seems to gotten he my appetite back ( isn't the side effect I wanted ) but maybe it's a sign that this may a help even a bit. I want to have another baby but what if the plan for me is to continue with the foster care program. I truly qbelieve I can make a child feel loved and treasured because I know what a miraculous gift they are, even if I have them for a short period of time, I have been having daydreams of that perfect little girl coming into our home and being ours forever , but I also want to be the woman who not only helps a child but can also help the parent and work with them and be in this as a pseudo family and not just the lady who has my baby, I know that won't always happen that way, but I r early want to try. I don't know if that was my last pregnancy, but I do know that I am not through nurturing and loving ,

waiting for the -

I have been taking pregnancy tests since the day after the D&E and hoping for the negative one ? Wowo that's a huge change in my normal routine ... This morning it was almost a negative - it didn't get the second line until after I had finished my shower , and I tested in the evening ( yep I have been testing more than once a day ) it took longer than ten minutes to get the 2nd line. I am assuming that's a good indication that the HCG is working it's way out of my system. I honestly did not want to be on this TTC trip again . I think the quit trying and it'll happen that you despise hearing when you're actively trying is what has worked for us. SO how do I now not be checking the signs and having timed sex ? How can I just let it be what it is ??? I truly want another child but I'm guessing that the quality of my eggs isn't great since the two times I have conceived naturally have ended in miscarriage. This time I will have the pathology report to know if it was chromosomal or something else. I wonder if knowing that info has ever put anyones mind at ease ? I have found some great books on my my kindle that are truly helping me get through this process. And I have practically been attached to a facebook group as if it's an oxygen line . I suppose it's because I see and hear so many stories like mine , of heartache and loss and misery loves company.  Yes I am the person who is extremely rudely jealous of a pregnant woman lately. ANd how am I to know if she hasn't been through much worse than I have to get the baby she has . I used to look at all newborns and pregnant women and wonder what her story was, but the past few weeks it has just been with jealousy and longing .
 We kept our 7 month old grandson last night and I truly didn't want to, because I was even upset that they could have this child and not really want the responsibility but I couldn't. I just gave him the love and TLC I wanted for my own child . He is my oldest son child. He is 20 and his gf is 18 - they aren't speaking to me at the moment . My second oldest son picks him up and brings him over to our house. As you may know or may not my oldest three are technically my stp-children but I've raised them since they were 1, 2, & 3 and 1/2 , so they are mine in every sense but genetics. My oldest has ODD and schizo-effective disorder and from his early teen years he was involved with drugs , stealing fighting and so much worse. I had to have him hospitalized on several occasions for some of his behavior. He was also a hadful in elementary school but I was told it was ADHD and the only way to fix it was medication. I just couldn't see making him take all that stuff they wanted him to. Maybe I was wrong and I am part of the reason he has so many issues now.But I can't change what is already done. He lives with his girlfriend and her two moms ( same sex marriage ) they are great ladies and I care about them . So long story short he has issues and he nor his gf are mature enough to handle the consequences og his actions , and I no longer bite my tongue and hope he just gets better. I am very outspoken to him and her when she gets her attitude, I will not let them disrespect me . They treat her moms very poorly , but my husband I have told them they have to stand p to him or he will treat them badly .

Having a hard time still trying to understand why my babies heart stopped beating and what I could've done differently. Did I take to much Tylenol for a headache, did the unisom the doc said was ok stop the heartbeat ? I could mention a million things that it could've been , but none of them would bring that baby back to me. And if I knew the true reason would I be able to handle it emotionally. The hospital sent the baby and the placenta for pathology and I am scared to know what that result is going to be.
 I took a pregnancy test last night to see if the hormone has left my system and it immediately came back positive...what a cruel joke --so many many months I peed on a stick hoping for those two lines and now I get that and know that there is NO baby in there , just leftovers waiting to be expelled. I have twice had to have a repeat D&C because their was leftover placental tissue . Why can't my body hold onto the baby as well as it holds onto the tissue ?????
 I feel so empty inside most of the day , I even touch my stomach and tell the baby I miss them , I don't understand why me ? I am struggling to believe in god and his will and his mercy right now. How can this god everyone thinks is so fabulous be so cruel ?   Hubby told me that when he is alone he cries too , I forget that he lost a child too. I will always remember his gasp of breath and the way he grabbed my hand when he saw the heartbeat on the ultrasound screen or the fist time. He was totally convinced that it was the little girl he has always dreamed of . Why can't we have a daughter ??   I treasure every second of Aiden's life and don't want to be away from him for one second if I don't have to .  We haven't discussed the idea of finishing the foster parent process. We have to do the homestudy and then fix what they say we need to do, maybe that is the way we will get our daughter ? I know we would treasure her for sure, but would Paul be able to accept her as his own ? He has kept himself very busy building the roof on our porch and replacing the roof on the house, maybe that's his way of working through it. Me I just wanna cry and hide under the blankets .

Taking it day by day

 Woke up today and almost thought it was a dream, and then I realized when I got up how sore that my stomach was from the surgery. However this time I didn't completely fall apart, I just went to the rest room and laid back down cuddled up with my four year old and held him close. I think each day is getting easier and easier. I know that they're will still be days when the pain is fresh and hurts the same as the day we heard the bad news.
 Hubby, adam, Austin, Ronnie & George got almost all the roof and covered roof on the porch today. Even Paul's brother John came and helped a los starting to look really good and it matches the shutters very well.. I rested and got some house cleaning Caught up a lot of laundry. I realized that I shouldn't have done as much as I did because the bleeding increased. So I will have to do things a little slower tomorrow.
   dam said that he talked to Scott and they were waiting for DSS to come to their house , apparently someone reported them and of course they are blaming me . Oh well I really don't care what they think anymore and I am through trying to be a part of their life . I am sure they have other people who get upset with them and of course they don'y blame them. I imagine that my name is all around that house tonight.
I have totally completely forgotten about Melissa, Scott and Caleb and sadly I hope they stay out of our lives forever !!! I know this is cruel but my life is so much easier and stress free without them in it . My focus now has to be on raising my son to be a good decent citizen. ANd maybe one day scott will realize how much he needed those he chose to blame. unfortunately that unconditional love I had for him is gone !!! And I doubt it will ever be back.

It's gone- Procedure is finished

 We chose the surgical option , instead of the natural wait for it to happen. I just didn't want to put my four year old or my husbad and other older children through the trauma of that experience. I would have liked to know what that would havw been like, but maybe it was for the best anyway. Doctor told Paul that the bbay seemed to have stopped growing at around 7 weeks . We saw the heartbeat at 7 weeks 3 days on ultrasound so it must have been shortly after that day. I clearly remember just noticing one day tht my breast weren't sore and  wasn't nauseous at all anymore. even smells didn't bother me anylonger.
 I suppose now I can say that it's over and done with and no guessing if everything is gone.we go back to see him in a few weeks to discuss the procedure  and if the pathology results came back yet .
Wonder how I will take that news ? What if it is something that is my fault ?
 I made a quick emotional decision to order some products that are supposed to help people get pregnant again. And of course I probably jinxed myself by doing that oo.  People keep telling me to hang on to god and except that he has his ways and his will. BUT I am having a lot of issue struggling with loving a od who would put so many peple through so much pain and heartache .
 I am just working through the many emotions
 I am also going to email the social worker about our home study for foster care and see what happens on that front as well . Guess all I can do is live m =y life day-to-day and hope each day is the best

No More Baby

Went for my ob appointment yesterday , and I was sur everything was going to be ok, after all how much Pain and loss does one person have to deal with ? well apparently I haven't dealt with my share.  We were going to get to hear the heartbeat and the nurse couldn't find it on the Doppler, so she called another nurse to try, and they said hmm I am eting numbers ut can't get it confirmed. She said we would go let ultrasound check because their equipment is more advanced , I laid on the table and she began , she was pressing hard and trying very hard to find it and I knew from the look of her face , It wasn't good news. And then she looked at me and said I'm very sorry but their is no heartbeat. I wanted to just fall to the floor and beg them to look again . But I had my 4 year old son there with me and I didn't want him to me like that. So I did the best I could to be strong for him and we went back to the exam room and waited.   The next choice was to decide what treatment plan we wanted.
   We came home and just let it sink in, and I decided that the surgery was best . I didn't want to wait for natural to happen because, I have Aiden with me and I was worried about what he might have to see and experience. The doctor just called and we told her what we wanted. So now I am just waiting for them to call and let me know when and what time. Guess this is it, the last time I will have a child growing inside of my body . Paul said I should have my tubes tied because this is too hard to deal with, and as much as I wish that weren't true , he is right . It isn't fair that so many people worry and hurt because my body refuses to be normal . I am more than positive that Aiden is a true miracle !!!!

Still Hanging on

    The vomiting has gotten much better the past few days, I still get some nausea and I am perfectly ok with that . I have had some brown spotting mostly after using the progesterone gel and it is not red or pink so far !!!! So I am hoping that everything is ok . It really isn't fair that we lose the innocent joy of pregnancy after a loss.. But I try to think positively and realize how truly blessed I am to have the experiences I have had. I don't know what is worse having the dream come true for a positive even if for just a few days or weeks or never getting that positive. It's painful to lose the dreams and hope of pregnancy. But I see so many who work very hard to achieve that positive and it doesn't happen for them so they are always wondering why and hoping that it will happen. So should I be grateful for the miscarriages or feel cheated because I  had it and lost it ????  I want so much to dream of holding this baby--however I am afraid of the heartbreak if I start dreaming of the future, but it's also not good to be thinking the worst is coming. How do most women who deal with this make it through ? My husband wants a little girl so much and he has already picked out names and I truly have this feeling that it's also a girl but the disappointment when we found out that Aiden was a boy is unforgettable.. I know it makes us sound selfish and horrible, but the elation we felt that Allison was a girl was amazing and then when she was born too early , our dreams and feeling of a complete family was destroyed and we lost that innocence of happiness . ( make sense )
 I will treasure this baby no matter what sex it is and it will have so much love that it's unbelievable, but we are good people and my husband is such an amazing  father , dad, son , son in law, friend and all around person that I would love to see  him have the dream he has had for many years of having a baby girl !!!
 We are still doing the foster licensing process and if that is how we are supposed to have a daughter in our family then that's what it is, I have this feeling as if this pregnancy after all the classes and work for the licensing is a sign that , maybe it isn't the best choice to expand out family and this thought weighs on my mind , I am always wondering how my choices and decisions will effect my children and their future . I don't want to jeopardize their happiness or safety for my selfish wish to have a daughter. I try to convince myself that I am doing the foster care to help some children who need the love I can give them and  the nurturing , but I have to wonder is that REALLY the reason , or is just because I have to tempt fate an change what is gods will for my lif

8 wk 3 days

Things seem to be going ok so far. I have been very nauseous and vomiting a lot, but that's ok I embrace these symptoms with grace and gratitude. I was using crinone gel supplements and they were giving me samples at the Dr. office and I was getting low so I sent a message asking if they were able to get more samples , and unfortunately they weren't. The prescription is $700 for a ten day supply.. no way can we afford that much..I know I know so may of you are saying , WOW I would do anything to budget the money for the medication, but I have thought of every way possible and even downloaded some coupons to see if it will lower the price. They also called in a different type of suppository progesterone and it is much cheaper $140 , I also printed some discount coupons for it and hope that it will lower that price a well. This doctor has never treated me and only gave me enough to last to week 10, which is typically when the placenta is making it's own progesterone. However I have researched this and most women use it until week 12 just to be safe. I am going to discuss this with the Doctor at our visit on the 9th. That's a little over a week away and maybe just maynbe they will be on the cautios side and give it a few more weeks...

So far So good

The pregnancy seems to be going well so far 8 wks 1 day. no issues or scares yet. We go back to OB on the 9th of February . I have had some mild cramping and of course I think that it's the beginning of the end. I hope that it is just the growing pains but as any mother who has lost a child or pregnancy knows, we can't just relax. It isn't fair but it's our cross to bear. I keep reminding myself that I know so many women who would like to be able to make it even this far . Just to get that positive pregnancy test would be a miracle for them.  I am afraid to get too excited. All of my clothes are very tight including my stretch clothes . I have an entire kitchen trash bag full of maternity clothes washed and folded --but somehow I can't bring myself to wear them. I am worried people will  think I am silly . But then another part of me wanted to wear them the minute that test was positive !!!!! I was worried I would jinx myself somehow .
    I am a member of some PCOS and miscarriage support groups on facebook, and I  see and hear so may stories of women who lose their baby at all gestational ages and even after they see and hear the heartbeat, and the first thing I do is grab my tummy and wonder if this is gonna be me telling the next story.  I see what seems like well-deserving families losing their precious child/ren and I think that life is so unfair and if god can take away their child then why would he let me keep mine.?
  We are still in the process of becoming licensed foster parents, and we haven't been in a huge rush but we aren't going to stop the process either .
  Paul keeps referring to this baby as a girl, and I am terrified that if it's a boy that he will be devastated. I know he was when he learned that Aiden was a boy. Even I cried for a day or so --but now that he's 4 I can not imagine him being anyone but him. He is the sunshine in my life and means the world to me.

Long Time---Great news

WOW Can you say Lazy !!! I haven't posted anything in a very long time. In my defense I write in a journal almost every day and I use that as my outlet sometimes.


BUT I have amazing news --- I am now 7 weeks and 3 days pregnant. It was an unexpected blessing. The weeks after getting that positive were exciting and then very emotional. As most PCOS sufferers know , our cycle is never dependable. So when we aren't actively monitoring every single detail of our cycle we can never know what is happening in our body, and even then if we are monitoring it's hard to tell ! I wasn't trying too hard to conceive but we weren't preventing it either . We din't expect it to just happen, natural conception is not easy for me. I called th OB office who took care of me through-out my pregnancy with Aiden. And I went for the beta HCG test and got great results . I asked about the crinone gel and the lovenox injections and the young doctor that I saw seemed skeptical about eh Viability of this pregnancy and just didn't want to prescribe these . I tried to explain that I am VERY high risk and these medications were very important to my system to help carry this baby. Thankfully I had the insight to use a progesterone cream on my own. I had the miscarriage in feb 2013 and I truly believe it was because I had no ideas I was even pregnant until the major bleeding started, I was excited and forgot to ask for my progesterone levels to be checked until it was too late and my HCG levels were dropping. I was told this time to take the baby aspirin daily , even after ultrasound showed at 5 weeks six days that I had a gestational and yolk sac, the doctor STILL wanted to wait to take the medication until another ultrasound showed heartbeat and fetus ( his words ) . Now my issue with this is WHAT IF I hadn't had the insight to use the progesterone cream and they had waited over two weeks to give me progesterone , what if that would have caused me to have a miscarriage ????? And what about the women who don't know about the progesterone, how many pregnancies has or will this doctor cause to end because he chooses to believe in medical research and science and not a higher power.
    I prayed everyday not for this pregnancy to continue , but for the strength to deal with whatever gods plan was for me and this baby. I know to some that sounds weird, but after al I have been through, nothing shocks me anymore . And I realize that god does indeed have a plan and only he knows what that is . I hope to continue to have happy news to post .