Healing again

So it has been over two months since I have written anything- I just couldn't get motivated to do it. I was having a pity party and feeling sorry for myself most of that time. I had to go to a cousins baby shower too and then to the hospital when her little girl was born. I love this cousin very much so I was genuinely happy for her, but inside I was a mess. I held her sweet little baby girl in my arms and my heart ached for my own daughter and for the baby we had miscarried a few weeks earlier. I felt betrayed by my body, and then I went into the waiting room where my hubby was waiting and my two year old son run to me and I just hugged him so tight, never letting anyone know how much heartache I was feeling. I pushed it away and took a deep breath and went on with life. After all what was whining about it gonna change and no matter what anyone did or said it wasn't going to bring any one of them back ......
 Today I am in Apex with the hubby, and of course he is at work this morning . My toddler woke up in a cranky mood just as I was beginning to type this post, I held him and walked him around trying to comfort him and ''love him out of this mood'' however it was Disney Jr that did the trick LOL, thanks a bunch Jake and the pirates ------I know some people say TV is bad and shouldn't be used as a baby-sitter , and I agree with them that some shows are for sure inappropriate for children and some adults . But I have found that Aiden has learned a lot from PBS and sesame street.
 On another note I started my first menstrual cycle since the miscarriage on the first of may , and I have an APP on my phone that tracks cycles and ovulation and of course I checked it and it told me that if I were to get pregnant this cycle the due date would be Feb. 5th-- hmmm the date I miscarried this last pregnancy-- not sure what to think about that coincidence. Heck I am not even sure if I believe in coincidence anyway. I am a karma and fate of the universe believing type of person. And I REALLY want to believe that god has a hand in things, but since losing Allison and the miscarriage my faith has been a little shaky. I am reading my bible daily and praying for that closeness and forgiveness for losing faith . I pray for understanding of things that happen to women like me who would be such great moms and then these women who abuse their children pop out kids like a pez dispenser with no idea ho precious these children are.