just me

  Yeah as you can see I am having some issues with loving me !! I have always had low self esteem 90 % of my life, I want to believe the good things I hear and I honestly yearn for those compliments,but they don't last long and then I am back to the why I'm not mode of thinking. I see others having what seems like the time of their life and doing what they seem to love and I envy them that feeling of contentment.  So what does that mean for me ?? I don't know --I wish I did . But what I DO know is that I need to start exploring some of my own interests and dreams. I tend to be a cheerleader or supporter for others and put my own dreams and hobbies on the backburner. I gave up my EMT and Firefighter lifestyle to be with my husband and his boys , he was a jealous partner and I truly loved him and being a mom to our boys . I do wish I would've learned how to balance the mix better and not just let mine go. But I did and maybe because I did I have this amazing 4 year old laying beside me sleeping this morning. ..So if I could change the past ..would I ????? What-if this miracle would've never happened ...
 Hubby is getting his pilot license and I am happy for him and Proud of him, but jealous also. Because if it were me who wanted to do something like this I doubt that he would support it. He wouldn't say no, but he wouldn't make it as easy and enjoyable for me as I have for him . I once mentioned that I would like to continue my EMT career path and his response asn't what I would have told him. he said we can try ...but I can't promise it won't cause us problems ---REALLY ???? What if I said those things to him, I think if I hadn't have been so easy going in the beginning then he would've had to choose to trust me and watch me flourish, or let me go...but as the issue has always been.. my self esteem wouldn't let me stand up for myself and fight for my dream. I just let his success be my success too . He makes sure he mentions that I benefit from his success, which I agree. But why don't I deserve to have a dream come true ?  I keep telling myself it's because I don't contribut anything financially to the home, and as he subtly reminds me , he could find another woman to clean the house and not have to hold a job . This makes him sound like a horrible person , but he isn't.. he is a great provider. And in the only way I think he knows how he is a great husband and father .
 I watch other people post on social media about the job they have is the dream of their life and they are loving every second of it, and then I see these independent women on Blogs etc talk about the adventures that they have and I earn for that sense of accomplishment. Would I want it if I had it, would I wish that I was at home every second of the day to do whatever I want ??? I have no idea .