True Colors

You know I have often heard that you can tell what type of person someone is by the way they treat
Others----Animals---Their parents---Children etc etc etc   And after an episode I was part of today I am more confused by that statement that ever before --My husband who is a great provider father and husband has seemed agitated in the last hour or so and I don't know what happened to cause his sour mood.. But he wa lying down in our room then got up and cam to the living room and of course my yoirke barked ( she always does-- she is obnoxiously yappy) and he literally Kicked her across the room-- I screamed at him and all he said was I hate that f'ng dog !!!!!!! I am wondering what he is so upset about that would make him that mean and cold=hearted ? I wondr if maybe he is disappointed in his father's day or if we did something to make him this angry ? ANd if we did what purpose does hurting a tiny little animal serve ? I am so upset and hurt right now !! I know he has been under some stress at work but this is ridiculous , I am so disappointed in him right now --and to be honest the way we have been dealing with all the hostility I don't think I would be upset if he just packed up and left.... Some days I think life may be less stressful a bit harder but less drama and less dad screaming at everyone because we don't do things ''''just right''''''

FORGOTTEN

I woke up today and realized that I forgot my baby girls birthday Friday--Hubby took me and Aiden to the beach for the weekend and I was busy getting things ready to go and trying to not forget anything, and then the traveling . My husband didn't even remember -- I have always sent her balloons on her day !!! What kind of mother forgets the day her child came from her womb into the world ??? I feel like the worst person in the entire world and I just wanna lay in my room and cry. How could I forget that day it was the most painful day of my life as well as the week following that with picking up her ashes and just dealing with her NOT being in my body where she would've been safe .....

Temper Tantrum

Oh yesterday was thrusday and in my household that means grocery and errand day , translated to all day shopping ! I thought it was gonna be easy because my oldest son and my nephew are on spring break from school and could go and help me with the toddler ---
   He had an upset stomach and diarrhea si I don't think he was feeling well-- but he had to have a toy at EVERY store we went to and he was in full on pitch a fit mode to get it yesterday too. He would scream yell and made me feel like people were thinking OMG he is such a brat.. and they'd be right . I have not taught him very well about the word NO--  I want to see him happy and I love buying the little toys --- I look at him when he is sad and remember the pain of saying goodbye and hello to my daughter in the same day and tell myself that if she were here I wouldn't care what she wanted I would give it to her. So I tell myself that it's ok to give it to him , because well ya just never know--only I know logically that this isn't teaching him to learn to deal with things properly. I wish I could fix this ... I am going to work on it but I don't have much confidence in my ability to accomplish it !!!!!!
   I am upset all the time that he doesn't seem to be doing well on the potty training but I can't force him to because all the books say not to --yet if I bribe him with some reward he really wants he will go to the potty and tell me he has to go --- what am I doing wrong --is this hy god didn't want me to have a biological child because he knew that I wouldn't put his actual real best interest first ..
 


We are scheduled to take the classes to become foster parents this fall and I am starting to wonder if I am the right person for this-- If I can't do better than this with my own son how can I do this for other children. My oldest three boys who aren't my birth children I didn't do this -- When I as blessed to be their mommy ( full-time 24/7 ) from ages 1.2& 4 I made it a sense of pride to teach them toilet training and proper sleep habits , eating habits etc etc yet when it comes to my birth child I can't do it --what in the world does that say about me as a parent

First grandchild

so I am not sure if I have already posted this or not --I have been so slack lately. But my oldest son and his 17 year old girlfriend are having a baby !! And instead of being more excited I was depressed. not because my kid was having a kid but because these 16 and 17year old girls get pregnant so damn easily ..It just seems so dang unfair . I have adjusted to the fact and am happy and ready to be a grandma to this baby, because I know how precious children are. And as sad as it is gonna sound when I say this - I think if it would have been a girl I would have been  in a horrible state of jealousy and depression.It is a boy and they have chosen the name Caleb Daniel ( after my husband) -- I have come to terms with it and am getting excited and hope that I will get to spend tons of time with him, And I know that the minute I look into his litte eyes I am gonna fall in live for sure. As y'all knoe my oldest three are not my biological children but I have been with them since they were 7month, 2 and 3 1/2  their birth mother  has seen them less than ten times in 16 years -- so as far as the kids and I are concerned I AM MOMMY !!!   Scott and I had our issues because he has oppositional defiant disorder and is schizo-effect disorder.. and I am the one who bore the brunt of all his anger and mood swings-- So I really hope that a grandchild makes our bond closer and he doesn't try to push me out of the baby's life out of spite.. He has seemed to grow up and matured a little and we do get along a lot better now that he isn't living at home,

Almost Christmas

It is almost Christmas and even though I have my awesome toddler , I still miss my baby girl . We  decorate a pink tree with a new ornament we pick out just for her each year. But although I do it for her memory it really makes my heart ache because she SHOULD be here with us and helping us decorate the family tree. I see all the pictures of girls dressed in their pretty dresses and cute bows, and I want to cry !! But then I feel bad because if she would have survived then Aiden wouldn't be here and he is the light of my life ! I can't imagine not having him in my life ?
 And ever since the miscarriage that was a spontaneous pregnancy -- I wonder every month , Could I be pregnant and I am constantly looking for signs of ovulation , I thought I was through with all of that ----

Progesterone Cream ???

So last month and July I decided to try using a natural progesterone cream to see if it would help me to regulate my cycles and improve my PCOS. WOW July was the trial month and I used a 1/2 teaspoon nightly ( which as I later learned was twice what I should have used). I rubbed it into differet areas each night for 14 nights--Goodness gracious I was a hormonal nightmare.. I was grouchy and irritable and I could hardly stand myself , so I have no idea how my husband and children tolerated me that two weeks . Plus I used it too early before ovulation . However the following month I used 1/4 teaspoon nightly only after ovulation and I think it worked because on cycle day 14 I actuallt got a positive OPK, and I had several other signs of ovulation --that is not normal for me with my PCOS - ok of course I did get pregnant on my own in December , I attribute that to the weight loss and the fact that it helped normalize my cycles for me . So after some research I learned that the progesterone can help improve my endometriosis as well as my luteal phase defect. This month I also had many signs of ovulation and a positive OPK PLUS my period began on day 15 -- It was one day late because I was still taking the progesterone --just to make sure that the HPY was actually negative, I also have an issue with my progesterone levels during pregnancy and have to use crinone gel. That's part of the reason that I think I miscarried in February , because I didn't know that I was pregnant and didn't use any progesterone ... sad that we learn these things when it's too late to make a difference --  so with all this effort you are probably wondering if I am back to TTC-- weeeellllll in a sense yes but not to the point that I am gonna seek medical assistance if it doesn't work out.. I LOVED the joys and even the disconforts of pregnancy with Aiden, and I was so excited when I learned that I was pregnant in January , but I am trying to be content with the miracle that I got to experience with Aiden and be content.. I would like to pursue adoption or maybe even foster care, But I feel selfish in a way, like I am not being grateful for the blessing that I already have ...

Even though my son is now three years old I still feel like I am an infertility victim ? I know millions of women will smirk at me for that statement. I recently ( yesterday) found myself taking an ovulation test again just to see, and when it was negative I gave myself the old pep talk of oh well it will happen -- I keep telling myself that I am happy to have the miracle of pregnancy with Aiden...but then I wonder am I really satisfied ? And if not why not -- I used to say just one time I wanted to feel the miracle of pregnancy and I would be complete.....and after the unexpected pregnancy in January and then the miscarriage just a few days later, I find myself yet once again on the trying to conceive roller coaster ...and here I am right back to the old feelings of inadequacy and defeat. I refuse to let this control me again, and I am gonna do my best to be thankful for the blessings that I already have and hope for the best. I will pay attention to my cycle and try but not let it control me this time.