So far So good

The pregnancy seems to be going well so far 8 wks 1 day. no issues or scares yet. We go back to OB on the 9th of February . I have had some mild cramping and of course I think that it's the beginning of the end. I hope that it is just the growing pains but as any mother who has lost a child or pregnancy knows, we can't just relax. It isn't fair but it's our cross to bear. I keep reminding myself that I know so many women who would like to be able to make it even this far . Just to get that positive pregnancy test would be a miracle for them.  I am afraid to get too excited. All of my clothes are very tight including my stretch clothes . I have an entire kitchen trash bag full of maternity clothes washed and folded --but somehow I can't bring myself to wear them. I am worried people will  think I am silly . But then another part of me wanted to wear them the minute that test was positive !!!!! I was worried I would jinx myself somehow .
    I am a member of some PCOS and miscarriage support groups on facebook, and I  see and hear so may stories of women who lose their baby at all gestational ages and even after they see and hear the heartbeat, and the first thing I do is grab my tummy and wonder if this is gonna be me telling the next story.  I see what seems like well-deserving families losing their precious child/ren and I think that life is so unfair and if god can take away their child then why would he let me keep mine.?
  We are still in the process of becoming licensed foster parents, and we haven't been in a huge rush but we aren't going to stop the process either .
  Paul keeps referring to this baby as a girl, and I am terrified that if it's a boy that he will be devastated. I know he was when he learned that Aiden was a boy. Even I cried for a day or so --but now that he's 4 I can not imagine him being anyone but him. He is the sunshine in my life and means the world to me.

Long Time---Great news

WOW Can you say Lazy !!! I haven't posted anything in a very long time. In my defense I write in a journal almost every day and I use that as my outlet sometimes.


BUT I have amazing news --- I am now 7 weeks and 3 days pregnant. It was an unexpected blessing. The weeks after getting that positive were exciting and then very emotional. As most PCOS sufferers know , our cycle is never dependable. So when we aren't actively monitoring every single detail of our cycle we can never know what is happening in our body, and even then if we are monitoring it's hard to tell ! I wasn't trying too hard to conceive but we weren't preventing it either . We din't expect it to just happen, natural conception is not easy for me. I called th OB office who took care of me through-out my pregnancy with Aiden. And I went for the beta HCG test and got great results . I asked about the crinone gel and the lovenox injections and the young doctor that I saw seemed skeptical about eh Viability of this pregnancy and just didn't want to prescribe these . I tried to explain that I am VERY high risk and these medications were very important to my system to help carry this baby. Thankfully I had the insight to use a progesterone cream on my own. I had the miscarriage in feb 2013 and I truly believe it was because I had no ideas I was even pregnant until the major bleeding started, I was excited and forgot to ask for my progesterone levels to be checked until it was too late and my HCG levels were dropping. I was told this time to take the baby aspirin daily , even after ultrasound showed at 5 weeks six days that I had a gestational and yolk sac, the doctor STILL wanted to wait to take the medication until another ultrasound showed heartbeat and fetus ( his words ) . Now my issue with this is WHAT IF I hadn't had the insight to use the progesterone cream and they had waited over two weeks to give me progesterone , what if that would have caused me to have a miscarriage ????? And what about the women who don't know about the progesterone, how many pregnancies has or will this doctor cause to end because he chooses to believe in medical research and science and not a higher power.
    I prayed everyday not for this pregnancy to continue , but for the strength to deal with whatever gods plan was for me and this baby. I know to some that sounds weird, but after al I have been through, nothing shocks me anymore . And I realize that god does indeed have a plan and only he knows what that is . I hope to continue to have happy news to post .

True Colors

You know I have often heard that you can tell what type of person someone is by the way they treat
Others----Animals---Their parents---Children etc etc etc   And after an episode I was part of today I am more confused by that statement that ever before --My husband who is a great provider father and husband has seemed agitated in the last hour or so and I don't know what happened to cause his sour mood.. But he wa lying down in our room then got up and cam to the living room and of course my yoirke barked ( she always does-- she is obnoxiously yappy) and he literally Kicked her across the room-- I screamed at him and all he said was I hate that f'ng dog !!!!!!! I am wondering what he is so upset about that would make him that mean and cold=hearted ? I wondr if maybe he is disappointed in his father's day or if we did something to make him this angry ? ANd if we did what purpose does hurting a tiny little animal serve ? I am so upset and hurt right now !! I know he has been under some stress at work but this is ridiculous , I am so disappointed in him right now --and to be honest the way we have been dealing with all the hostility I don't think I would be upset if he just packed up and left.... Some days I think life may be less stressful a bit harder but less drama and less dad screaming at everyone because we don't do things ''''just right''''''

FORGOTTEN

I woke up today and realized that I forgot my baby girls birthday Friday--Hubby took me and Aiden to the beach for the weekend and I was busy getting things ready to go and trying to not forget anything, and then the traveling . My husband didn't even remember -- I have always sent her balloons on her day !!! What kind of mother forgets the day her child came from her womb into the world ??? I feel like the worst person in the entire world and I just wanna lay in my room and cry. How could I forget that day it was the most painful day of my life as well as the week following that with picking up her ashes and just dealing with her NOT being in my body where she would've been safe .....

Temper Tantrum

Oh yesterday was thrusday and in my household that means grocery and errand day , translated to all day shopping ! I thought it was gonna be easy because my oldest son and my nephew are on spring break from school and could go and help me with the toddler ---
   He had an upset stomach and diarrhea si I don't think he was feeling well-- but he had to have a toy at EVERY store we went to and he was in full on pitch a fit mode to get it yesterday too. He would scream yell and made me feel like people were thinking OMG he is such a brat.. and they'd be right . I have not taught him very well about the word NO--  I want to see him happy and I love buying the little toys --- I look at him when he is sad and remember the pain of saying goodbye and hello to my daughter in the same day and tell myself that if she were here I wouldn't care what she wanted I would give it to her. So I tell myself that it's ok to give it to him , because well ya just never know--only I know logically that this isn't teaching him to learn to deal with things properly. I wish I could fix this ... I am going to work on it but I don't have much confidence in my ability to accomplish it !!!!!!
   I am upset all the time that he doesn't seem to be doing well on the potty training but I can't force him to because all the books say not to --yet if I bribe him with some reward he really wants he will go to the potty and tell me he has to go --- what am I doing wrong --is this hy god didn't want me to have a biological child because he knew that I wouldn't put his actual real best interest first ..
 


We are scheduled to take the classes to become foster parents this fall and I am starting to wonder if I am the right person for this-- If I can't do better than this with my own son how can I do this for other children. My oldest three boys who aren't my birth children I didn't do this -- When I as blessed to be their mommy ( full-time 24/7 ) from ages 1.2& 4 I made it a sense of pride to teach them toilet training and proper sleep habits , eating habits etc etc yet when it comes to my birth child I can't do it --what in the world does that say about me as a parent

First grandchild

so I am not sure if I have already posted this or not --I have been so slack lately. But my oldest son and his 17 year old girlfriend are having a baby !! And instead of being more excited I was depressed. not because my kid was having a kid but because these 16 and 17year old girls get pregnant so damn easily ..It just seems so dang unfair . I have adjusted to the fact and am happy and ready to be a grandma to this baby, because I know how precious children are. And as sad as it is gonna sound when I say this - I think if it would have been a girl I would have been  in a horrible state of jealousy and depression.It is a boy and they have chosen the name Caleb Daniel ( after my husband) -- I have come to terms with it and am getting excited and hope that I will get to spend tons of time with him, And I know that the minute I look into his litte eyes I am gonna fall in live for sure. As y'all knoe my oldest three are not my biological children but I have been with them since they were 7month, 2 and 3 1/2  their birth mother  has seen them less than ten times in 16 years -- so as far as the kids and I are concerned I AM MOMMY !!!   Scott and I had our issues because he has oppositional defiant disorder and is schizo-effect disorder.. and I am the one who bore the brunt of all his anger and mood swings-- So I really hope that a grandchild makes our bond closer and he doesn't try to push me out of the baby's life out of spite.. He has seemed to grow up and matured a little and we do get along a lot better now that he isn't living at home,

Almost Christmas

It is almost Christmas and even though I have my awesome toddler , I still miss my baby girl . We  decorate a pink tree with a new ornament we pick out just for her each year. But although I do it for her memory it really makes my heart ache because she SHOULD be here with us and helping us decorate the family tree. I see all the pictures of girls dressed in their pretty dresses and cute bows, and I want to cry !! But then I feel bad because if she would have survived then Aiden wouldn't be here and he is the light of my life ! I can't imagine not having him in my life ?
 And ever since the miscarriage that was a spontaneous pregnancy -- I wonder every month , Could I be pregnant and I am constantly looking for signs of ovulation , I thought I was through with all of that ----