Almost Christmas

It is almost Christmas and even though I have my awesome toddler , I still miss my baby girl . We  decorate a pink tree with a new ornament we pick out just for her each year. But although I do it for her memory it really makes my heart ache because she SHOULD be here with us and helping us decorate the family tree. I see all the pictures of girls dressed in their pretty dresses and cute bows, and I want to cry !! But then I feel bad because if she would have survived then Aiden wouldn't be here and he is the light of my life ! I can't imagine not having him in my life ?
 And ever since the miscarriage that was a spontaneous pregnancy -- I wonder every month , Could I be pregnant and I am constantly looking for signs of ovulation , I thought I was through with all of that ----

Progesterone Cream ???

So last month and July I decided to try using a natural progesterone cream to see if it would help me to regulate my cycles and improve my PCOS. WOW July was the trial month and I used a 1/2 teaspoon nightly ( which as I later learned was twice what I should have used). I rubbed it into differet areas each night for 14 nights--Goodness gracious I was a hormonal nightmare.. I was grouchy and irritable and I could hardly stand myself , so I have no idea how my husband and children tolerated me that two weeks . Plus I used it too early before ovulation . However the following month I used 1/4 teaspoon nightly only after ovulation and I think it worked because on cycle day 14 I actuallt got a positive OPK, and I had several other signs of ovulation --that is not normal for me with my PCOS - ok of course I did get pregnant on my own in December , I attribute that to the weight loss and the fact that it helped normalize my cycles for me . So after some research I learned that the progesterone can help improve my endometriosis as well as my luteal phase defect. This month I also had many signs of ovulation and a positive OPK PLUS my period began on day 15 -- It was one day late because I was still taking the progesterone --just to make sure that the HPY was actually negative, I also have an issue with my progesterone levels during pregnancy and have to use crinone gel. That's part of the reason that I think I miscarried in February , because I didn't know that I was pregnant and didn't use any progesterone ... sad that we learn these things when it's too late to make a difference --  so with all this effort you are probably wondering if I am back to TTC-- weeeellllll in a sense yes but not to the point that I am gonna seek medical assistance if it doesn't work out.. I LOVED the joys and even the disconforts of pregnancy with Aiden, and I was so excited when I learned that I was pregnant in January , but I am trying to be content with the miracle that I got to experience with Aiden and be content.. I would like to pursue adoption or maybe even foster care, But I feel selfish in a way, like I am not being grateful for the blessing that I already have ...

Even though my son is now three years old I still feel like I am an infertility victim ? I know millions of women will smirk at me for that statement. I recently ( yesterday) found myself taking an ovulation test again just to see, and when it was negative I gave myself the old pep talk of oh well it will happen -- I keep telling myself that I am happy to have the miracle of pregnancy with Aiden...but then I wonder am I really satisfied ? And if not why not -- I used to say just one time I wanted to feel the miracle of pregnancy and I would be complete.....and after the unexpected pregnancy in January and then the miscarriage just a few days later, I find myself yet once again on the trying to conceive roller coaster ...and here I am right back to the old feelings of inadequacy and defeat. I refuse to let this control me again, and I am gonna do my best to be thankful for the blessings that I already have and hope for the best. I will pay attention to my cycle and try but not let it control me this time.

sad for another PCOS'er

Today I learned that a cousin by marriage received not so good news from her HSG..Her tubes are completely blocked and the dye wouldn't even go through for the test. She is heartbroken and understandably so.  I know that IVF is a way around this but her insurance doesn't pay any of the cost and she doesn't have the funds for this procedure ! I told her there is surgical way to unblock them but I haven't known anyone who has had that procedure done. I know that I have Aiden to be grateful for and I know what a beautiful miracle he is and I treasure him . I remember the heartbreak and loss of hope during treatment and wish I could do or say something to make her feel better.
 I had the support of many cafemom friends throughout my ordeal and talking with them even if only online got me through some really sad days. And on days when I didn't want to get out of bed I knew I could express my feelings to them and they would understand ! So tonight when I say my prayers as I do nightly I will include her and her husband in my prayers.

As I sit here and type this my almost 3 year old is in his room watching a show on net-flix and I kind of miss him clinging to me. I guess I wanted some quiet time until I actually got it. He is of course destroying his bedroom and almost every toy he has is in the floor , but as I pick them up for the countless number of times today, I love that my arms are full of toys and my hair is a mess and I am exhausted ! These are the days some moms dread, but me I truly treasure them. I wonder if this is why I had to endure the fertility issues, so that I would truly appreciate what a gift my so is to me.

Potty Blues

The potty training isn't going well . It's been more than a week and I am only seeing minor signs that it's working. I guess I need to work just a little more diligently at the process and hope for better outcome in a few more days !
 Getting ready this week for our week at the beach, wondering how the potty process is gonna be while we are away from home in a place he's not used to , as well as traveling to the condo--

Potty Training FAIL

I am working on potty training and I feel like such a huge failure, he will be THREE in a few weeks and I feel like he should already be using the potty, he just now got to the point that he will actually sit on the potty without clothing on, he has peed in there a few times and I did a super huge happy potty dance , which he really loved !! But I guess I am being lazy and that makes me feel even worse.  I try to get him to go every 20- 30 minutes and he will scream NO POTTY, so I don't want to force him and make him totally hate the idea ! As you know when I met Paul the boys were 6months -2- and 3 1/2 and neither one was potty trained. I made it a point to train them . The oldest one was tough but finally he did it in a few weeks. I gave them a skittle if they peed and a dum dum lollipop for bowel movements. The youngest one was potty trained by the time he was 19 months old. So what is my problem now. AM I subconsciously wanting to keep Aiden a baby because I know he is going to be my only living biological child and I am not ready to let the baby phase go ?? Or am I just lazy ??
     Last week I took 4 pregnancy tests because my cycle was 5 days late and they were all negative. I as thrilled to become pregnant spontaneously but since I had the miscarriage I kind of wish it wouldn't have happened. Because now I am gonna wonder every month and I am always checking my CM for signs. It's like being back on the TTC roller coaster again.  +