334

SO I went for the folow up and there was still a small amount of placental tissue left , why can't my body hold onto the baby with the same grip as it does with the tissue ? I dont this after Allison's birth as well, I couldn't keep the most treasured and precious gift but my body refused to let go of the rest .
 The nurse practitioner thinks that since it is a small amount that my body should take care of it on its own REALLY --because my body never seems to do what it's supposed to do or what's normal so why does this time seem like it will be any different ??I just know that in a few weeks or months I am gonna have some complications and it will be from the tissue that never left ! I have to go back for weekly beta HCG tests to see that my levels drop to below 5 - I wish that this could just be over so I could move on and get over this. The teary-eyed days are gone and I am accepting the hand that fate has dealt me, I just wish I didn't have to prolong it with weekly visits to a OB office knwoing that my womd is empty, and it shoudl have a growing boucny baby in there. Plus I get to sit with all the pregnant women who are glowing and rubbing their swollen bellies and wonder why it isn't me .
 I want to go into myself and hide away from the world and the pain that my heart feels lately, but then I spend time with Aiden and he brings the sunshine back into my dark day. He amazes me everyday and makes my heart smile. I just look at him sleeping and can't believe he is mine and i get the privilege of being his mom -- the privilege that I vow never to abuse, I choose to spend my days with him because I know how precious his life is .