SAD

We lost the baby, I guess somewhere in my subconscious I knew that it wasn't a healthy pregnancy and all the issues with bleeding and clots wasn't healthy. however when my HCG level come back at 9000, I got my hopes up and even thought that it might be twins ..and hoped that it would be at least one girl- but it wasn't meant to be. I keep hearing that it was god's will and his plan--there is a reason for everything  blah,blah,blah.......right now i am still coming to terms with the loss and don't understand ''god's plan'' , and why it has to hurt so much. I didn't understand the loss of our daughter either and we now have a beautiful baby boy who delights and amazes me every day. So I am sure that someday I will understand the losses we have dealt with and the pain will have a meaning - just not today.
 surprised that we conceived on our own--- now I have to wonder if I am fertile enough for that to happen again , and in some ways this is as emotional as the fertility treatments ---