WOW

So I know it has been a long time since I posted anything on here, I have some other blogs about things in my life and I was gonna put this on there but this is more for this blog.. I had weight loss surgery in june 2012 and have lost almost 60 pounds and I was excited because my menstrual cycle has been more normal than it has ever been for as long as I can remember. I went to the dr in December right after christmas for some reason that I can't recall, and just out of curiosity they did a urine pregnancy test and it was negative. I was fine with that wasn't expecting it to be any different. I have dealt with infertility PCOS & endometriosis so i had no expectations of a pregnancy without medical assistance.
 January 6th was the date  I shoudl have started my period - I had some brown discharge on the 8th and I knew it was the beginning of my cycle, but it just didn't start and I was kinda of sad because I was hoping the PCOS issues were getting better, then on the 12th I started bleeding and passing a lot of clots - aand then nothign for a few days. Paul as you know works out of town and we only see each other on the weekends, he is a very sexual being and he wanted sex, so I said ok get a towel and maybe it won't be too bad because it's just a little brown discharge. well I was wrong after sex I had a lot of bleeding and even more clots. this continued for days and then would just be a very light spotting for a few days . This has continued since then. the pain was getting really unbearable, so I called the gynecologist and made an appointment, I was thinking I had some type pf gyn cancer and that the Dr would recommend a hysterectomy , to which this thought made me kind of sad, because I want to have a little girl but I have been coming to terms slowly with the fact that this may not happen for us -biologically anyway.Well she said I had a lot of clots and my uterus was very inflammed, she kept asking me if there was a chance I could be pregnant, which I said no --she then said maybe we should do a STD test to check and an ultrasound to see if their is major inflammation in uterus. And to my utter amazement there is a baby in there !!! I even saw the flutter of the tiny heartbeat and was able to hear it . I was totally shocked , and of course then worried because of all the blood I was passing and the cramping. I had a beta HCG that day tuesday the 29th and it was 9000 -- HOLY COW , it was never that high in any of my other pregnancies at 5 weeks. I am on the lovenox injection to help with my factor V leiden clotting disorder. And today I went for a repeat beta HSG level. I am a nervous wreck waitng to heat that result. I most likely will not know that result until monday, I don't want to wait a whole weekend and worry its literally driving me insane. I am cranky with Aiden and every thing irritates me, my nerves are so on edge. Part of me wants whatever is gonna happen to just happen and get it over with it. If god is gonna take this baby then I wish he would just get it over with . I know this makes me sound horrible and cold hearted, but since I lost my daughter in 2009 I have had so much trouble accepting what everyone says is ''god's will''....I get so mad at god some days , and want to completely reject the idea of him. Then other days I cling to the faith that he is there .