Follow-up today

  At 2:45 today I go to the OB for the pathology report and the follow up from the miscarriage and surgery. I'm so scared and nervous that I almost cancelled this morning. But I know that I can summon the strength to do this ! I know that somewhere inside I am strong enought to do this, I've made it through much worse after all. I have to go alone, well not totally alone Aiden will be with me ( he's 4 ) . I have no one to watch him while I go , so like everything else he and mommy will figure it out. I will always be someone he can count on ! I think having him with me will force to me not break down if the need arises, I wouldn't want to upset him . I want to know the results and I don't want to know. I know that it won't change anything, the baby is still gone and my heart is still broken. I guess I will just have to learn how to deal with the results no mater what they are. I blame myself anyway so I guess this would just add file to the fire if they tell me the baby was prefect and it was Qing of my conditions. But will it make it any better if they say their was something wrong with the baby, will I be relieved that god took it back because it wasn't perfect ??? I just don't understand all this pain and heartache , isn't enough we loose our child ??? Everyone tells me god has a plan and their is a reason for everything, abut that really offers no comfort whatsoever .  Maybe in the future it will but I still have no comfort in losing my baby girl in 2009 and they told me she was perfect , she was born because yet again a my ody failed, and I have incompetent cervix.. As if we don't feel horrible enough the medical community has to use the word incompetent !!!!

  We have been really busy getting the house prepared for the anime study, still haven't heard an exact date though . We have painted most of the walls that needed it and finished the baseboards and crown molding in the living room and hallway. We have some yard work to finish , thanks to the recent snow and rains some of the limbs broke off trees and we had to cut some trees down to prevent further damage, and now we have to burn those or take them to the garbage dump. Burning ism much easier because we won't have to load an unload the trailer   But when we burn them we will have to rake up the ashes so that it doesn't look messy 

Having a hard time still trying to understand why my babies heart stopped beating and what I could've done differently. Did I take to much Tylenol for a headache, did the unisom the doc said was ok stop the heartbeat ? I could mention a million things that it could've been , but none of them would bring that baby back to me. And if I knew the true reason would I be able to handle it emotionally. The hospital sent the baby and the placenta for pathology and I am scared to know what that result is going to be.
 I took a pregnancy test last night to see if the hormone has left my system and it immediately came back positive...what a cruel joke --so many many months I peed on a stick hoping for those two lines and now I get that and know that there is NO baby in there , just leftovers waiting to be expelled. I have twice had to have a repeat D&C because their was leftover placental tissue . Why can't my body hold onto the baby as well as it holds onto the tissue ?????
 I feel so empty inside most of the day , I even touch my stomach and tell the baby I miss them , I don't understand why me ? I am struggling to believe in god and his will and his mercy right now. How can this god everyone thinks is so fabulous be so cruel ?   Hubby told me that when he is alone he cries too , I forget that he lost a child too. I will always remember his gasp of breath and the way he grabbed my hand when he saw the heartbeat on the ultrasound screen or the fist time. He was totally convinced that it was the little girl he has always dreamed of . Why can't we have a daughter ??   I treasure every second of Aiden's life and don't want to be away from him for one second if I don't have to .  We haven't discussed the idea of finishing the foster parent process. We have to do the homestudy and then fix what they say we need to do, maybe that is the way we will get our daughter ? I know we would treasure her for sure, but would Paul be able to accept her as his own ? He has kept himself very busy building the roof on our porch and replacing the roof on the house, maybe that's his way of working through it. Me I just wanna cry and hide under the blankets .

No More Baby

Went for my ob appointment yesterday , and I was sur everything was going to be ok, after all how much Pain and loss does one person have to deal with ? well apparently I haven't dealt with my share.  We were going to get to hear the heartbeat and the nurse couldn't find it on the Doppler, so she called another nurse to try, and they said hmm I am eting numbers ut can't get it confirmed. She said we would go let ultrasound check because their equipment is more advanced , I laid on the table and she began , she was pressing hard and trying very hard to find it and I knew from the look of her face , It wasn't good news. And then she looked at me and said I'm very sorry but their is no heartbeat. I wanted to just fall to the floor and beg them to look again . But I had my 4 year old son there with me and I didn't want him to me like that. So I did the best I could to be strong for him and we went back to the exam room and waited.   The next choice was to decide what treatment plan we wanted.
   We came home and just let it sink in, and I decided that the surgery was best . I didn't want to wait for natural to happen because, I have Aiden with me and I was worried about what he might have to see and experience. The doctor just called and we told her what we wanted. So now I am just waiting for them to call and let me know when and what time. Guess this is it, the last time I will have a child growing inside of my body . Paul said I should have my tubes tied because this is too hard to deal with, and as much as I wish that weren't true , he is right . It isn't fair that so many people worry and hurt because my body refuses to be normal . I am more than positive that Aiden is a true miracle !!!!