Follow-up today

  At 2:45 today I go to the OB for the pathology report and the follow up from the miscarriage and surgery. I'm so scared and nervous that I almost cancelled this morning. But I know that I can summon the strength to do this ! I know that somewhere inside I am strong enought to do this, I've made it through much worse after all. I have to go alone, well not totally alone Aiden will be with me ( he's 4 ) . I have no one to watch him while I go , so like everything else he and mommy will figure it out. I will always be someone he can count on ! I think having him with me will force to me not break down if the need arises, I wouldn't want to upset him . I want to know the results and I don't want to know. I know that it won't change anything, the baby is still gone and my heart is still broken. I guess I will just have to learn how to deal with the results no mater what they are. I blame myself anyway so I guess this would just add file to the fire if they tell me the baby was prefect and it was Qing of my conditions. But will it make it any better if they say their was something wrong with the baby, will I be relieved that god took it back because it wasn't perfect ??? I just don't understand all this pain and heartache , isn't enough we loose our child ??? Everyone tells me god has a plan and their is a reason for everything, abut that really offers no comfort whatsoever .  Maybe in the future it will but I still have no comfort in losing my baby girl in 2009 and they told me she was perfect , she was born because yet again a my ody failed, and I have incompetent cervix.. As if we don't feel horrible enough the medical community has to use the word incompetent !!!!

  We have been really busy getting the house prepared for the anime study, still haven't heard an exact date though . We have painted most of the walls that needed it and finished the baseboards and crown molding in the living room and hallway. We have some yard work to finish , thanks to the recent snow and rains some of the limbs broke off trees and we had to cut some trees down to prevent further damage, and now we have to burn those or take them to the garbage dump. Burning ism much easier because we won't have to load an unload the trailer   But when we burn them we will have to rake up the ashes so that it doesn't look messy