So it has been over two months since I have written anything- I just couldn't get motivated to do it. I was having a pity party and feeling sorry for myself most of that time. I had to go to a cousins baby shower too and then to the hospital when her little girl was born. I love this cousin very much so I was genuinely happy for her, but inside I was a mess. I held her sweet little baby girl in my arms and my heart ached for my own daughter and for the baby we had miscarried a few weeks earlier. I felt betrayed by my body, and then I went into the waiting room where my hubby was waiting and my two year old son run to me and I just hugged him so tight, never letting anyone know how much heartache I was feeling. I pushed it away and took a deep breath and went on with life. After all what was whining about it gonna change and no matter what anyone did or said it wasn't going to bring any one of them back ......
Today I am in Apex with the hubby, and of course he is at work this morning . My toddler woke up in a cranky mood just as I was beginning to type this post, I held him and walked him around trying to comfort him and ''love him out of this mood'' however it was Disney Jr that did the trick LOL, thanks a bunch Jake and the pirates ------I know some people say TV is bad and shouldn't be used as a baby-sitter , and I agree with them that some shows are for sure inappropriate for children and some adults . But I have found that Aiden has learned a lot from PBS and sesame street.
On another note I started my first menstrual cycle since the miscarriage on the first of may , and I have an APP on my phone that tracks cycles and ovulation and of course I checked it and it told me that if I were to get pregnant this cycle the due date would be Feb. 5th-- hmmm the date I miscarried this last pregnancy-- not sure what to think about that coincidence. Heck I am not even sure if I believe in coincidence anyway. I am a karma and fate of the universe believing type of person. And I REALLY want to believe that god has a hand in things, but since losing Allison and the miscarriage my faith has been a little shaky. I am reading my bible daily and praying for that closeness and forgiveness for losing faith . I pray for understanding of things that happen to women like me who would be such great moms and then these women who abuse their children pop out kids like a pez dispenser with no idea ho precious these children are.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Yesterday I was very sore from the D & C, but it was bearable with the medication they gave me. However when I take narcotic pain medicine it changes my moods and I tend to be very irritable so I am trying to stop those and use only ibuprofen. I wonder how many angry people are liek that because they have no choice but to take narcotic pain medications due to a medical issue . Can't imagine how thsoe who are addicted to them hace changed and if they do everyone the same way or just certain people.
The bleeding has pretty much stopped , and I started an antibiotic yesterday as well. She said that since the miscarriage issues had gone on for such a long time then she thought it would be a good idea to take an antibiotic. She called in doxycycline, I am glad she did so that it will be one less complication issue to worry about. SHe told Paul that we could discuss birth control at my next appointment ????? When he said I couldn't take it because of the clotting issue she said there are some non estogen options that are safe for me as well. I haven't had to think about birth control since I was a teenager and this is very odd for me. I am not sure that I even need because I wonder if this was a one time thing and will never happen again , And what if it does .....Now I am again on that monthly cycle roller coaster . and not even going through fertility treatments, I guess since I have had Aiden and knew we couldn't afford more treatments that Iwasn't even paying much attention to my cycle. I mean of course I noticed it was becoming more regulat after the weight loss , and I knew the ovulation signals, but I had no real hope that I could conceive on my own becauss of the PCOS and the endometriosis issues. NOW I will wonder each month am or what ???? Mother nature sure can be mean sometimes
The bleeding has pretty much stopped , and I started an antibiotic yesterday as well. She said that since the miscarriage issues had gone on for such a long time then she thought it would be a good idea to take an antibiotic. She called in doxycycline, I am glad she did so that it will be one less complication issue to worry about. SHe told Paul that we could discuss birth control at my next appointment ????? When he said I couldn't take it because of the clotting issue she said there are some non estogen options that are safe for me as well. I haven't had to think about birth control since I was a teenager and this is very odd for me. I am not sure that I even need because I wonder if this was a one time thing and will never happen again , And what if it does .....Now I am again on that monthly cycle roller coaster . and not even going through fertility treatments, I guess since I have had Aiden and knew we couldn't afford more treatments that Iwasn't even paying much attention to my cycle. I mean of course I noticed it was becoming more regulat after the weight loss , and I knew the ovulation signals, but I had no real hope that I could conceive on my own becauss of the PCOS and the endometriosis issues. NOW I will wonder each month am or what ???? Mother nature sure can be mean sometimes
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
D & C
I had the D& C procedure done today, so hopefully we will be able to start the healing process of this miscarrige ordeal. I am ok emotionally,I think I am numb at this point, maybe because I didn't put so much effort into getting pregnant or didn't have to go through the IUI process. ANd that I only knew about the pregnancy for 4 days. I don't knwo amybe that is an excuse that my sybconscious is using to prevent the pain from being overwhelming !
The bleeding is more than what I expected but I am sure that it won't last for much longer and I can hopefully be on the way to healing .
The bleeding is more than what I expected but I am sure that it won't last for much longer and I can hopefully be on the way to healing .
Friday, February 22, 2013
Baby section
I have a cousin whom I am very close to and she is expecting a baby girl in April. I have each week bought a gift for her shower that I knew would be coming up soon, and I thought that it would be tough to buy a baby gift after the miscarriage, but it wasn't as bad as I expected. I did have the take my breath away moment of why not me - but it wasn't unbearable. I remembered the smile Aiden has when I walk into the room and the way he says HI mom - and he brings me sunshine and makes my whole body smile- not even sure if that makes sense , my whole body smile, but that;s the way he makes me feel.
Had another Beta HCG test yesterday and i'm waiting to see what the results of that are- hopefully it will be below 5 so that I can stop the weekly bloodwork and this ordeal be over and I can put this to rest. The bleeding has become dark brown and I know that's old blood, and no more clots so I am really really hoping that it's over and I can begin living again. And not focus on what my body has planned for me today--but who am I kidding I am obsessed with what my body is up to- or at least I am now- the past two years just focusing on my babyboy and not even thinking about fertility issues have been vacation that I didn't even realize I was on - until I had to think about it after a surprise pregnancy - I am now gonna be wondering each month. I plan to try NOT to focus on it but we will see how that goes !
Had another Beta HCG test yesterday and i'm waiting to see what the results of that are- hopefully it will be below 5 so that I can stop the weekly bloodwork and this ordeal be over and I can put this to rest. The bleeding has become dark brown and I know that's old blood, and no more clots so I am really really hoping that it's over and I can begin living again. And not focus on what my body has planned for me today--but who am I kidding I am obsessed with what my body is up to- or at least I am now- the past two years just focusing on my babyboy and not even thinking about fertility issues have been vacation that I didn't even realize I was on - until I had to think about it after a surprise pregnancy - I am now gonna be wondering each month. I plan to try NOT to focus on it but we will see how that goes !
Sunday, February 17, 2013
334
SO I went for the folow up and there was still a small amount of placental tissue left , why can't my body hold onto the baby with the same grip as it does with the tissue ? I dont this after Allison's birth as well, I couldn't keep the most treasured and precious gift but my body refused to let go of the rest .
The nurse practitioner thinks that since it is a small amount that my body should take care of it on its own REALLY --because my body never seems to do what it's supposed to do or what's normal so why does this time seem like it will be any different ??I just know that in a few weeks or months I am gonna have some complications and it will be from the tissue that never left ! I have to go back for weekly beta HCG tests to see that my levels drop to below 5 - I wish that this could just be over so I could move on and get over this. The teary-eyed days are gone and I am accepting the hand that fate has dealt me, I just wish I didn't have to prolong it with weekly visits to a OB office knwoing that my womd is empty, and it shoudl have a growing boucny baby in there. Plus I get to sit with all the pregnant women who are glowing and rubbing their swollen bellies and wonder why it isn't me .
I want to go into myself and hide away from the world and the pain that my heart feels lately, but then I spend time with Aiden and he brings the sunshine back into my dark day. He amazes me everyday and makes my heart smile. I just look at him sleeping and can't believe he is mine and i get the privilege of being his mom -- the privilege that I vow never to abuse, I choose to spend my days with him because I know how precious his life is .
The nurse practitioner thinks that since it is a small amount that my body should take care of it on its own REALLY --because my body never seems to do what it's supposed to do or what's normal so why does this time seem like it will be any different ??I just know that in a few weeks or months I am gonna have some complications and it will be from the tissue that never left ! I have to go back for weekly beta HCG tests to see that my levels drop to below 5 - I wish that this could just be over so I could move on and get over this. The teary-eyed days are gone and I am accepting the hand that fate has dealt me, I just wish I didn't have to prolong it with weekly visits to a OB office knwoing that my womd is empty, and it shoudl have a growing boucny baby in there. Plus I get to sit with all the pregnant women who are glowing and rubbing their swollen bellies and wonder why it isn't me .
I want to go into myself and hide away from the world and the pain that my heart feels lately, but then I spend time with Aiden and he brings the sunshine back into my dark day. He amazes me everyday and makes my heart smile. I just look at him sleeping and can't believe he is mine and i get the privilege of being his mom -- the privilege that I vow never to abuse, I choose to spend my days with him because I know how precious his life is .
Monday, February 11, 2013
SAD
We lost the baby, I guess somewhere in my subconscious I knew that it wasn't a healthy pregnancy and all the issues with bleeding and clots wasn't healthy. however when my HCG level come back at 9000, I got my hopes up and even thought that it might be twins ..and hoped that it would be at least one girl- but it wasn't meant to be. I keep hearing that it was god's will and his plan--there is a reason for everything blah,blah,blah.......right now i am still coming to terms with the loss and don't understand ''god's plan'' , and why it has to hurt so much. I didn't understand the loss of our daughter either and we now have a beautiful baby boy who delights and amazes me every day. So I am sure that someday I will understand the losses we have dealt with and the pain will have a meaning - just not today.
surprised that we conceived on our own--- now I have to wonder if I am fertile enough for that to happen again , and in some ways this is as emotional as the fertility treatments ---
surprised that we conceived on our own--- now I have to wonder if I am fertile enough for that to happen again , and in some ways this is as emotional as the fertility treatments ---
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