Even though my son is now three years old I still feel like I am an infertility victim ? I know millions of women will smirk at me for that statement. I recently ( yesterday) found myself taking an ovulation test again just to see, and when it was negative I gave myself the old pep talk of oh well it will happen -- I keep telling myself that I am happy to have the miracle of pregnancy with Aiden...but then I wonder am I really satisfied ? And if not why not -- I used to say just one time I wanted to feel the miracle of pregnancy and I would be complete.....and after the unexpected pregnancy in January and then the miscarriage just a few days later, I find myself yet once again on the trying to conceive roller coaster ...and here I am right back to the old feelings of inadequacy and defeat. I refuse to let this control me again, and I am gonna do my best to be thankful for the blessings that I already have and hope for the best. I will pay attention to my cycle and try but not let it control me this time.

sad for another PCOS'er

Today I learned that a cousin by marriage received not so good news from her HSG..Her tubes are completely blocked and the dye wouldn't even go through for the test. She is heartbroken and understandably so.  I know that IVF is a way around this but her insurance doesn't pay any of the cost and she doesn't have the funds for this procedure ! I told her there is surgical way to unblock them but I haven't known anyone who has had that procedure done. I know that I have Aiden to be grateful for and I know what a beautiful miracle he is and I treasure him . I remember the heartbreak and loss of hope during treatment and wish I could do or say something to make her feel better.
 I had the support of many cafemom friends throughout my ordeal and talking with them even if only online got me through some really sad days. And on days when I didn't want to get out of bed I knew I could express my feelings to them and they would understand ! So tonight when I say my prayers as I do nightly I will include her and her husband in my prayers.

As I sit here and type this my almost 3 year old is in his room watching a show on net-flix and I kind of miss him clinging to me. I guess I wanted some quiet time until I actually got it. He is of course destroying his bedroom and almost every toy he has is in the floor , but as I pick them up for the countless number of times today, I love that my arms are full of toys and my hair is a mess and I am exhausted ! These are the days some moms dread, but me I truly treasure them. I wonder if this is why I had to endure the fertility issues, so that I would truly appreciate what a gift my so is to me.

Potty Blues

The potty training isn't going well . It's been more than a week and I am only seeing minor signs that it's working. I guess I need to work just a little more diligently at the process and hope for better outcome in a few more days !
 Getting ready this week for our week at the beach, wondering how the potty process is gonna be while we are away from home in a place he's not used to , as well as traveling to the condo--

Potty Training FAIL

I am working on potty training and I feel like such a huge failure, he will be THREE in a few weeks and I feel like he should already be using the potty, he just now got to the point that he will actually sit on the potty without clothing on, he has peed in there a few times and I did a super huge happy potty dance , which he really loved !! But I guess I am being lazy and that makes me feel even worse.  I try to get him to go every 20- 30 minutes and he will scream NO POTTY, so I don't want to force him and make him totally hate the idea ! As you know when I met Paul the boys were 6months -2- and 3 1/2 and neither one was potty trained. I made it a point to train them . The oldest one was tough but finally he did it in a few weeks. I gave them a skittle if they peed and a dum dum lollipop for bowel movements. The youngest one was potty trained by the time he was 19 months old. So what is my problem now. AM I subconsciously wanting to keep Aiden a baby because I know he is going to be my only living biological child and I am not ready to let the baby phase go ?? Or am I just lazy ??
     Last week I took 4 pregnancy tests because my cycle was 5 days late and they were all negative. I as thrilled to become pregnant spontaneously but since I had the miscarriage I kind of wish it wouldn't have happened. Because now I am gonna wonder every month and I am always checking my CM for signs. It's like being back on the TTC roller coaster again.  +

what's wrong with me ?/

Ok I know this is going to make me sound like a horrible and insensitive person , and I guess apparently deep down inside I am, but I don't want to be. I have a neighbor who is sort of a friend, I mean we don't hang out or anything but we text every once in a while and we chat on facebook. She has been struggling with infertility because of PCOS for years and can't afford treatments. Well for the past two almost three years she and I have emailed about these struggles. And she went through the process of becoming a foster parent and was approved.Well today she posted that Friday she is getting a newborn baby boy as soon as he is discharged from the hospital. And I had to pretend to be extremely happy for her. I am but I was also jealous. I should still be pregnant and on bedrest getting ready for my newborn. PLUS I have my son who is three and is my biological child. How can I be such a selfish and uncaring person ??? I feel so bad about the way I am feeling right now. I admit I used to daydream about bringing home a baby from the hospital and it being my forever child , and their may be a chance that this will be her son, or that she will have to take him back to someone at some point... so what kind of person does this make me ? No wonder I don't have many close friends--I am probably not great person to person friend material --I prayed to find the answer to this dilemma

Healing again

So it has been over two months since I have written anything- I just couldn't get motivated to do it. I was having a pity party and feeling sorry for myself most of that time. I had to go to a cousins baby shower too and then to the hospital when her little girl was born. I love this cousin very much so I was genuinely happy for her, but inside I was a mess. I held her sweet little baby girl in my arms and my heart ached for my own daughter and for the baby we had miscarried a few weeks earlier. I felt betrayed by my body, and then I went into the waiting room where my hubby was waiting and my two year old son run to me and I just hugged him so tight, never letting anyone know how much heartache I was feeling. I pushed it away and took a deep breath and went on with life. After all what was whining about it gonna change and no matter what anyone did or said it wasn't going to bring any one of them back ......
 Today I am in Apex with the hubby, and of course he is at work this morning . My toddler woke up in a cranky mood just as I was beginning to type this post, I held him and walked him around trying to comfort him and ''love him out of this mood'' however it was Disney Jr that did the trick LOL, thanks a bunch Jake and the pirates ------I know some people say TV is bad and shouldn't be used as a baby-sitter , and I agree with them that some shows are for sure inappropriate for children and some adults . But I have found that Aiden has learned a lot from PBS and sesame street.
 On another note I started my first menstrual cycle since the miscarriage on the first of may , and I have an APP on my phone that tracks cycles and ovulation and of course I checked it and it told me that if I were to get pregnant this cycle the due date would be Feb. 5th-- hmmm the date I miscarried this last pregnancy-- not sure what to think about that coincidence. Heck I am not even sure if I believe in coincidence anyway. I am a karma and fate of the universe believing type of person. And I REALLY want to believe that god has a hand in things, but since losing Allison and the miscarriage my faith has been a little shaky. I am reading my bible daily and praying for that closeness and forgiveness for losing faith . I pray for understanding of things that happen to women like me who would be such great moms and then these women who abuse their children pop out kids like a pez dispenser with no idea ho precious these children are.