do I ???????

• I woke up this morning and checked email and facebook like I do almost every single day. And I remembered that today was the anniversary of a friends child's death, her beautiful daughter was killed in a car accident and it gor me thinking about allison and how we only had a few precious moments with her before she passed and this ladies daughter was 10 . I started wondering if the pain is the same if you lose a child you never got to parent as it is to lose a child you watched grow and change until the sad day that god called them home ??? This revelation also made me wonder if I was meant to have a little girl or if I was just meant to be a mommy to my son, do I want to hope for another pregnancy and dream that it will be a daughter for us to parent here on earth ? I am almost 40 well another year and I will be, so what kind of wuality life will I offer my children,will they want a mother as a teenager who could very well be mistaken for a grandparent ? What if I die at the same age as my father ,57 that means Aiden would only be 17 when i left him, thats not nearly long enough with your parent, but a lifetime would never have been long enough for me to spend with the ones I have lost already, so doI regret the time we did have togehter NOI treasure those momoents we shared ---I could offer a new baby so much love and treasure them for the gift they are, just like we do Aiden, even on the days when he is screaming and being very difficult , I wouldn't trade those days for anything for I know the pain that the alternative causes.. So as of today I am still not 100 % sure I am ready for the roller-coaster of wanting another child. My mind changes every day sometimes more than once a day, in an hour I may be staring out the window longing to feel that baby growing inside me again, or I may be wondering how to start the process of adoption and know for sure that we can ask for a girl...I could tell her everyday how special she is that she was chosen because we wanted her so very much--------