08/07/2012

This morning I wondered if I could conceive another child without the IUI and fertility meds. I have recently lost over 30 pounds and I am hoping that this improves my PCOS symptoms. I do not see regular periods yet, but I have noticed signs that my body is trying to be normal. I want a little girl , I have a daughter but she is an angel baby, and i love her and treasure the too short time we had together...but i wanna hold a daughter in my arms and dress her up every day, buy her the cute little pink frilly outfits with matching hair bows and sandals. i see other families with boys and girls and wonder if they feel complete, or do they too have a sense that something is missing in their family, I see a little blonde curly Head girl and my heart aches , because that is what Paul and i imagine our Allison would've looked like. The pain of losing her is so raw and fresh some days. Aiden is a treasure to us and we love him very much , but having him doesn't lessen the ache we feel for the child we never got to be parents to, yes I have a daughter but she isn't in my arms, she is only in my heart and memory..
I do want to have another child but as I ma almost 40 I doubt that will happen, so do I still consider myself infertile if I have a child ?????? I can't just tell my husband that I wanna get pregnant chart my cycle and have intercourse, expecting the test to show two lines..so am I infertile ??? I know that the official medical term is secondary infertility...But how do i ask god for a second blessing without feeling ungrateful for the treasure he already blessed me with. And i know that millions of women would say --suck it up --at least you got to experience the magic of pregnancy--and they are right. I did, but that doesn't lessen the pain of wanting to experience it again.