WOW

So I know it has been a long time since I posted anything on here, I have some other blogs about things in my life and I was gonna put this on there but this is more for this blog.. I had weight loss surgery in june 2012 and have lost almost 60 pounds and I was excited because my menstrual cycle has been more normal than it has ever been for as long as I can remember. I went to the dr in December right after christmas for some reason that I can't recall, and just out of curiosity they did a urine pregnancy test and it was negative. I was fine with that wasn't expecting it to be any different. I have dealt with infertility PCOS & endometriosis so i had no expectations of a pregnancy without medical assistance.
 January 6th was the date  I shoudl have started my period - I had some brown discharge on the 8th and I knew it was the beginning of my cycle, but it just didn't start and I was kinda of sad because I was hoping the PCOS issues were getting better, then on the 12th I started bleeding and passing a lot of clots - aand then nothign for a few days. Paul as you know works out of town and we only see each other on the weekends, he is a very sexual being and he wanted sex, so I said ok get a towel and maybe it won't be too bad because it's just a little brown discharge. well I was wrong after sex I had a lot of bleeding and even more clots. this continued for days and then would just be a very light spotting for a few days . This has continued since then. the pain was getting really unbearable, so I called the gynecologist and made an appointment, I was thinking I had some type pf gyn cancer and that the Dr would recommend a hysterectomy , to which this thought made me kind of sad, because I want to have a little girl but I have been coming to terms slowly with the fact that this may not happen for us -biologically anyway.Well she said I had a lot of clots and my uterus was very inflammed, she kept asking me if there was a chance I could be pregnant, which I said no --she then said maybe we should do a STD test to check and an ultrasound to see if their is major inflammation in uterus. And to my utter amazement there is a baby in there !!! I even saw the flutter of the tiny heartbeat and was able to hear it . I was totally shocked , and of course then worried because of all the blood I was passing and the cramping. I had a beta HCG that day tuesday the 29th and it was 9000 -- HOLY COW , it was never that high in any of my other pregnancies at 5 weeks. I am on the lovenox injection to help with my factor V leiden clotting disorder. And today I went for a repeat beta HSG level. I am a nervous wreck waitng to heat that result. I most likely will not know that result until monday, I don't want to wait a whole weekend and worry its literally driving me insane. I am cranky with Aiden and every thing irritates me, my nerves are so on edge. Part of me wants whatever is gonna happen to just happen and get it over with it. If god is gonna take this baby then I wish he would just get it over with . I know this makes me sound horrible and cold hearted, but since I lost my daughter in 2009 I have had so much trouble accepting what everyone says is ''god's will''....I get so mad at god some days , and want to completely reject the idea of him. Then other days I cling to the faith that he is there .

CD2

Well it finally finally happened- I started my cycle , I had to take the provera for 10 days and it took 5days after stopping that to start - I didn't think it was gonna happen GEEZ - now it of course is really really painful and heavy, but I am dealing with it and hoping that it won't last too long. I just thought that the weight loss would make my cycle more regular, so I guess we will see if it works after this cycle and then if it continues on a normal pattern for at least 3 months then I will start trying to conceive and see if it happens for us without scientific assistance !!!!!

NOTHING

I have been off of the provera for 4 days now and NO period, barely any cramping to make even hint that it may be on the way ---GEEZ how come she shows up when you have hopes that their is life in your uterus - and now doesn't when you are actually ready for the whole thing to get started !!!!! Mother nature for sure is a cruel vindictive woman --OK OK maybe I am being a bit dramatic but someon how many of you feel the same way some months ?????
  I have mentioned foster to adopt programs to the hubby and he didn't really seem extremely excited about the idea, I think he goes through different emotions as far as having another child together. Some days he seem to be sappy and wants another one and other times he kind of shrugs it off.

Today is the last day of a 10 day cycle of provera - I haven't had a period since june and of course I am nor pregnant. I also have endometriosis and I am supposed to call the dr on cycle day one and take a lupron shot-to help with some pain that I was having issues with earlier in the year. I took a Lupron shot when I was trying to get pregnant before IUI to shut down my system and make it easier for the meds to "restart" my hormonal cycle. The pain is better and I am really struglling with the decision to take it or not. I want to help stop the pain, and would be ok restarting my system -but gosh that stuff makes me feel so yucky. I am trying to think positive and hope that with the provera and the 50 pounds of weight loss that it will make me ovulate after this cycle , but I am not gonna get my hopes up ! Ah who am i kidding we all know that's not true. I have already calculated a due dat if I were to get pregnant ---
  I recently had a vertigo spell and had to go to the ER and they said they would have to do a pregnancy test in case and I was secretly hoping it would be one of those well you are pregnant visits where ladies get that "surprise" diagnosis --but ALAS no such luck . I am trying to think positive that it will happen if it's meant to be and be grateful for the toddler who is currently sleeping peacefully in his toddler bed - all by himself for the first time since he came home from hospital as a newborn. Yep I was a co-sleeping mommy. I just couldn't resist cuddling with him at night and didn't wanna be away from him for one second more than I had to be, so he slept with me every night. But I now realize that was selfish and he needs to learn to sleep on his own and it will be better for him to have a regular sleep schedule

?????

OK so I haven't started my period since june -and no I am not pregnant ..I keep waiting for my system to improve with the weight loss, but i haven't noticed any change at all -escept my hair is falling out just as much and maybe more than it was before . I had hoped that I would magically become pregnant after losing the weight, but I guess that;s not happening for me. I was watching Aiden play today and realized that I am very tired every day, I go to bed exhausted and some days frustrated from dealing with the terrible 2's ...and today I actually told myself that maybe I would be ok with Aiden and that I should start to come to terms with him being my only living biological child. I really wanted a daughter , but I think I might be at the stage in life where I am ready to give that dream up and have time to myself when Aiden is in school..
In a week or so heck maybe even tomorrow, I will probably feel a lot different ! But today this is how I feel.
    I also got an email from the fertility clinic that we used for Allison and Aiden and they opened an office closer to our house. Is that a sign ???? maybe -maybe not .
    I am going to have to get my provera prescription filled this week and take it , because the GYN said I need to have a cycle at least every 3 months to keep the endometriosis from building up --ugggg I so do not like to take that stuff, it definitely works , but the period is so painful after taking those. And mine are already painful enough-

nothing

so 3 months after surgery and -50 lbs almost and still no normal period ..when is this uspposed to happen after weight loss. All I kept hearing from dr's was lose weight and it will improve you fertility --really well I have and nothign yet suckers ----How long do I have to wait, I'm not getting any younger here people..and lets face it chasing a baby at my age is getting tougher everyday.  I know that the diabetes is reversed but I am thinking that all the hype about PCOS being reversed if you lose at least 10% of your body weight is just that HYPE. Maybe I am wrong and now my issue is from the endometriosis.As soon as I start a cycle I will do the lupron and maybe that will help the endometriosis.Just my luck though as soon as I think I am getting one condition under control that is impeding my fertility another becomes the main reason for concern,
 I wonder if I could go back to the RE and go straight to an IUI cycle or would I have to go through all the other stuff and be like a new patient--I don't have the time or the funds for all that again--another surgery for endometrial ablation would proabbaly help me too, but I am thinking that the insurance will not pay for that again unless my Ob/GYN suggests it ---hmm maybe the one little miracle is all I get in this lifetime. And I am starting to accept it and be grateful because I know that some women do not even get that. I could have easily been one of the women who no mater what we tried it just didn't work out the wya we dreamed. My pregnancy was such a struggle to get him here at a safe time and keep him in their until he was ready. After losing Allison ot incompetent cervix I know the heartache that could happen . I miss her so much some days --and I try really hard to be grateful for the 20 weeks I got to have her little soul growing inside me--I always tell her I am so sorry that I didn't save her or know more about what was happening  --and some days I really really dislike the dr who sent me home and said I was fine --I would like to just sit with him and ask him why ?????? but because so many people are scared of lawsuits and stuff I just knwo that wouldn't be an option --and after a few months I learned he had been fired from the practice . yes I made a complaint and asked t=my case to be reviewed and wanted answers but at them time I was mostly looking for someone else to take the blame so that I wouldn;t feel so guilty.

normal cylce ????

yesterday I thought maybe I was going to start my menstral cycle without the help of provera..just a little spotting gave me big hopes --odd --seeing as how that spotting usually depresses me . But I took a pregnancy test last week and it was negative and as we all know , nothing can bring on a period like taking a hpt..at least not for me anyway. today nothing but some cramping which is usually debilitating with endometriosis. I am wondering if weight loss helps that condition like it does PCOS, haven't noticed much change in either condition and I have lost 44 pounds..I thought it only took 10% to make a difference.
Had to go to a baby shower sunday, and i was happy for her and hid my inner anguish of wishing I was the one who was getting hte gifts and looking so big and pregnant .
another cousin is also pregnant.also ...
So I am trying so hard to be happy and not concentrate on the fact that it isn't me