Went for my ob appointment yesterday , and I was sur everything was going to be ok, after all how much Pain and loss does one person have to deal with ? well apparently I haven't dealt with my share. We were going to get to hear the heartbeat and the nurse couldn't find it on the Doppler, so she called another nurse to try, and they said hmm I am eting numbers ut can't get it confirmed. She said we would go let ultrasound check because their equipment is more advanced , I laid on the table and she began , she was pressing hard and trying very hard to find it and I knew from the look of her face , It wasn't good news. And then she looked at me and said I'm very sorry but their is no heartbeat. I wanted to just fall to the floor and beg them to look again . But I had my 4 year old son there with me and I didn't want him to me like that. So I did the best I could to be strong for him and we went back to the exam room and waited. The next choice was to decide what treatment plan we wanted.
We came home and just let it sink in, and I decided that the surgery was best . I didn't want to wait for natural to happen because, I have Aiden with me and I was worried about what he might have to see and experience. The doctor just called and we told her what we wanted. So now I am just waiting for them to call and let me know when and what time. Guess this is it, the last time I will have a child growing inside of my body . Paul said I should have my tubes tied because this is too hard to deal with, and as much as I wish that weren't true , he is right . It isn't fair that so many people worry and hurt because my body refuses to be normal . I am more than positive that Aiden is a true miracle !!!!
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Thursday, February 5, 2015
Still Hanging on
The vomiting has gotten much better the past few days, I still get some nausea and I am perfectly ok with that . I have had some brown spotting mostly after using the progesterone gel and it is not red or pink so far !!!! So I am hoping that everything is ok . It really isn't fair that we lose the innocent joy of pregnancy after a loss.. But I try to think positively and realize how truly blessed I am to have the experiences I have had. I don't know what is worse having the dream come true for a positive even if for just a few days or weeks or never getting that positive. It's painful to lose the dreams and hope of pregnancy. But I see so many who work very hard to achieve that positive and it doesn't happen for them so they are always wondering why and hoping that it will happen. So should I be grateful for the miscarriages or feel cheated because I had it and lost it ???? I want so much to dream of holding this baby--however I am afraid of the heartbreak if I start dreaming of the future, but it's also not good to be thinking the worst is coming. How do most women who deal with this make it through ? My husband wants a little girl so much and he has already picked out names and I truly have this feeling that it's also a girl but the disappointment when we found out that Aiden was a boy is unforgettable.. I know it makes us sound selfish and horrible, but the elation we felt that Allison was a girl was amazing and then when she was born too early , our dreams and feeling of a complete family was destroyed and we lost that innocence of happiness . ( make sense )
I will treasure this baby no matter what sex it is and it will have so much love that it's unbelievable, but we are good people and my husband is such an amazing father , dad, son , son in law, friend and all around person that I would love to see him have the dream he has had for many years of having a baby girl !!!
We are still doing the foster licensing process and if that is how we are supposed to have a daughter in our family then that's what it is, I have this feeling as if this pregnancy after all the classes and work for the licensing is a sign that , maybe it isn't the best choice to expand out family and this thought weighs on my mind , I am always wondering how my choices and decisions will effect my children and their future . I don't want to jeopardize their happiness or safety for my selfish wish to have a daughter. I try to convince myself that I am doing the foster care to help some children who need the love I can give them and the nurturing , but I have to wonder is that REALLY the reason , or is just because I have to tempt fate an change what is gods will for my lif
I will treasure this baby no matter what sex it is and it will have so much love that it's unbelievable, but we are good people and my husband is such an amazing father , dad, son , son in law, friend and all around person that I would love to see him have the dream he has had for many years of having a baby girl !!!
We are still doing the foster licensing process and if that is how we are supposed to have a daughter in our family then that's what it is, I have this feeling as if this pregnancy after all the classes and work for the licensing is a sign that , maybe it isn't the best choice to expand out family and this thought weighs on my mind , I am always wondering how my choices and decisions will effect my children and their future . I don't want to jeopardize their happiness or safety for my selfish wish to have a daughter. I try to convince myself that I am doing the foster care to help some children who need the love I can give them and the nurturing , but I have to wonder is that REALLY the reason , or is just because I have to tempt fate an change what is gods will for my lif
Thursday, January 29, 2015
8 wk 3 days
Things seem to be going ok so far. I have been very nauseous and vomiting a lot, but that's ok I embrace these symptoms with grace and gratitude. I was using crinone gel supplements and they were giving me samples at the Dr. office and I was getting low so I sent a message asking if they were able to get more samples , and unfortunately they weren't. The prescription is $700 for a ten day supply.. no way can we afford that much..I know I know so may of you are saying , WOW I would do anything to budget the money for the medication, but I have thought of every way possible and even downloaded some coupons to see if it will lower the price. They also called in a different type of suppository progesterone and it is much cheaper $140 , I also printed some discount coupons for it and hope that it will lower that price a well. This doctor has never treated me and only gave me enough to last to week 10, which is typically when the placenta is making it's own progesterone. However I have researched this and most women use it until week 12 just to be safe. I am going to discuss this with the Doctor at our visit on the 9th. That's a little over a week away and maybe just maynbe they will be on the cautios side and give it a few more weeks...
Monday, January 26, 2015
So far So good
The pregnancy seems to be going well so far 8 wks 1 day. no issues or scares yet. We go back to OB on the 9th of February . I have had some mild cramping and of course I think that it's the beginning of the end. I hope that it is just the growing pains but as any mother who has lost a child or pregnancy knows, we can't just relax. It isn't fair but it's our cross to bear. I keep reminding myself that I know so many women who would like to be able to make it even this far . Just to get that positive pregnancy test would be a miracle for them. I am afraid to get too excited. All of my clothes are very tight including my stretch clothes . I have an entire kitchen trash bag full of maternity clothes washed and folded --but somehow I can't bring myself to wear them. I am worried people will think I am silly . But then another part of me wanted to wear them the minute that test was positive !!!!! I was worried I would jinx myself somehow .
I am a member of some PCOS and miscarriage support groups on facebook, and I see and hear so may stories of women who lose their baby at all gestational ages and even after they see and hear the heartbeat, and the first thing I do is grab my tummy and wonder if this is gonna be me telling the next story. I see what seems like well-deserving families losing their precious child/ren and I think that life is so unfair and if god can take away their child then why would he let me keep mine.?
We are still in the process of becoming licensed foster parents, and we haven't been in a huge rush but we aren't going to stop the process either .
Paul keeps referring to this baby as a girl, and I am terrified that if it's a boy that he will be devastated. I know he was when he learned that Aiden was a boy. Even I cried for a day or so --but now that he's 4 I can not imagine him being anyone but him. He is the sunshine in my life and means the world to me.
I am a member of some PCOS and miscarriage support groups on facebook, and I see and hear so may stories of women who lose their baby at all gestational ages and even after they see and hear the heartbeat, and the first thing I do is grab my tummy and wonder if this is gonna be me telling the next story. I see what seems like well-deserving families losing their precious child/ren and I think that life is so unfair and if god can take away their child then why would he let me keep mine.?
We are still in the process of becoming licensed foster parents, and we haven't been in a huge rush but we aren't going to stop the process either .
Paul keeps referring to this baby as a girl, and I am terrified that if it's a boy that he will be devastated. I know he was when he learned that Aiden was a boy. Even I cried for a day or so --but now that he's 4 I can not imagine him being anyone but him. He is the sunshine in my life and means the world to me.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Long Time---Great news
WOW Can you say Lazy !!! I haven't posted anything in a very long time. In my defense I write in a journal almost every day and I use that as my outlet sometimes.
BUT I have amazing news --- I am now 7 weeks and 3 days pregnant. It was an unexpected blessing. The weeks after getting that positive were exciting and then very emotional. As most PCOS sufferers know , our cycle is never dependable. So when we aren't actively monitoring every single detail of our cycle we can never know what is happening in our body, and even then if we are monitoring it's hard to tell ! I wasn't trying too hard to conceive but we weren't preventing it either . We din't expect it to just happen, natural conception is not easy for me. I called th OB office who took care of me through-out my pregnancy with Aiden. And I went for the beta HCG test and got great results . I asked about the crinone gel and the lovenox injections and the young doctor that I saw seemed skeptical about eh Viability of this pregnancy and just didn't want to prescribe these . I tried to explain that I am VERY high risk and these medications were very important to my system to help carry this baby. Thankfully I had the insight to use a progesterone cream on my own. I had the miscarriage in feb 2013 and I truly believe it was because I had no ideas I was even pregnant until the major bleeding started, I was excited and forgot to ask for my progesterone levels to be checked until it was too late and my HCG levels were dropping. I was told this time to take the baby aspirin daily , even after ultrasound showed at 5 weeks six days that I had a gestational and yolk sac, the doctor STILL wanted to wait to take the medication until another ultrasound showed heartbeat and fetus ( his words ) . Now my issue with this is WHAT IF I hadn't had the insight to use the progesterone cream and they had waited over two weeks to give me progesterone , what if that would have caused me to have a miscarriage ????? And what about the women who don't know about the progesterone, how many pregnancies has or will this doctor cause to end because he chooses to believe in medical research and science and not a higher power.
I prayed everyday not for this pregnancy to continue , but for the strength to deal with whatever gods plan was for me and this baby. I know to some that sounds weird, but after al I have been through, nothing shocks me anymore . And I realize that god does indeed have a plan and only he knows what that is . I hope to continue to have happy news to post .
BUT I have amazing news --- I am now 7 weeks and 3 days pregnant. It was an unexpected blessing. The weeks after getting that positive were exciting and then very emotional. As most PCOS sufferers know , our cycle is never dependable. So when we aren't actively monitoring every single detail of our cycle we can never know what is happening in our body, and even then if we are monitoring it's hard to tell ! I wasn't trying too hard to conceive but we weren't preventing it either . We din't expect it to just happen, natural conception is not easy for me. I called th OB office who took care of me through-out my pregnancy with Aiden. And I went for the beta HCG test and got great results . I asked about the crinone gel and the lovenox injections and the young doctor that I saw seemed skeptical about eh Viability of this pregnancy and just didn't want to prescribe these . I tried to explain that I am VERY high risk and these medications were very important to my system to help carry this baby. Thankfully I had the insight to use a progesterone cream on my own. I had the miscarriage in feb 2013 and I truly believe it was because I had no ideas I was even pregnant until the major bleeding started, I was excited and forgot to ask for my progesterone levels to be checked until it was too late and my HCG levels were dropping. I was told this time to take the baby aspirin daily , even after ultrasound showed at 5 weeks six days that I had a gestational and yolk sac, the doctor STILL wanted to wait to take the medication until another ultrasound showed heartbeat and fetus ( his words ) . Now my issue with this is WHAT IF I hadn't had the insight to use the progesterone cream and they had waited over two weeks to give me progesterone , what if that would have caused me to have a miscarriage ????? And what about the women who don't know about the progesterone, how many pregnancies has or will this doctor cause to end because he chooses to believe in medical research and science and not a higher power.
I prayed everyday not for this pregnancy to continue , but for the strength to deal with whatever gods plan was for me and this baby. I know to some that sounds weird, but after al I have been through, nothing shocks me anymore . And I realize that god does indeed have a plan and only he knows what that is . I hope to continue to have happy news to post .
Sunday, June 15, 2014
True Colors
You know I have often heard that you can tell what type of person someone is by the way they treat
Others----Animals---Their parents---Children etc etc etc And after an episode I was part of today I am more confused by that statement that ever before --My husband who is a great provider father and husband has seemed agitated in the last hour or so and I don't know what happened to cause his sour mood.. But he wa lying down in our room then got up and cam to the living room and of course my yoirke barked ( she always does-- she is obnoxiously yappy) and he literally Kicked her across the room-- I screamed at him and all he said was I hate that f'ng dog !!!!!!! I am wondering what he is so upset about that would make him that mean and cold=hearted ? I wondr if maybe he is disappointed in his father's day or if we did something to make him this angry ? ANd if we did what purpose does hurting a tiny little animal serve ? I am so upset and hurt right now !! I know he has been under some stress at work but this is ridiculous , I am so disappointed in him right now --and to be honest the way we have been dealing with all the hostility I don't think I would be upset if he just packed up and left.... Some days I think life may be less stressful a bit harder but less drama and less dad screaming at everyone because we don't do things ''''just right''''''
Monday, May 26, 2014
FORGOTTEN
I woke up today and realized that I forgot my baby girls birthday Friday--Hubby took me and Aiden to the beach for the weekend and I was busy getting things ready to go and trying to not forget anything, and then the traveling . My husband didn't even remember -- I have always sent her balloons on her day !!! What kind of mother forgets the day her child came from her womb into the world ??? I feel like the worst person in the entire world and I just wanna lay in my room and cry. How could I forget that day it was the most painful day of my life as well as the week following that with picking up her ashes and just dealing with her NOT being in my body where she would've been safe .....
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