Still Hanging on

    The vomiting has gotten much better the past few days, I still get some nausea and I am perfectly ok with that . I have had some brown spotting mostly after using the progesterone gel and it is not red or pink so far !!!! So I am hoping that everything is ok . It really isn't fair that we lose the innocent joy of pregnancy after a loss.. But I try to think positively and realize how truly blessed I am to have the experiences I have had. I don't know what is worse having the dream come true for a positive even if for just a few days or weeks or never getting that positive. It's painful to lose the dreams and hope of pregnancy. But I see so many who work very hard to achieve that positive and it doesn't happen for them so they are always wondering why and hoping that it will happen. So should I be grateful for the miscarriages or feel cheated because I  had it and lost it ????  I want so much to dream of holding this baby--however I am afraid of the heartbreak if I start dreaming of the future, but it's also not good to be thinking the worst is coming. How do most women who deal with this make it through ? My husband wants a little girl so much and he has already picked out names and I truly have this feeling that it's also a girl but the disappointment when we found out that Aiden was a boy is unforgettable.. I know it makes us sound selfish and horrible, but the elation we felt that Allison was a girl was amazing and then when she was born too early , our dreams and feeling of a complete family was destroyed and we lost that innocence of happiness . ( make sense )
 I will treasure this baby no matter what sex it is and it will have so much love that it's unbelievable, but we are good people and my husband is such an amazing  father , dad, son , son in law, friend and all around person that I would love to see  him have the dream he has had for many years of having a baby girl !!!
 We are still doing the foster licensing process and if that is how we are supposed to have a daughter in our family then that's what it is, I have this feeling as if this pregnancy after all the classes and work for the licensing is a sign that , maybe it isn't the best choice to expand out family and this thought weighs on my mind , I am always wondering how my choices and decisions will effect my children and their future . I don't want to jeopardize their happiness or safety for my selfish wish to have a daughter. I try to convince myself that I am doing the foster care to help some children who need the love I can give them and  the nurturing , but I have to wonder is that REALLY the reason , or is just because I have to tempt fate an change what is gods will for my lif