Do hope the peace from all this comes soon. I showered and treated myself as if I were going somewhere special , yummy lottion , the special occasion perfume and applied make-up , even though I know I'm not leaving the drive due to the weather . I did out pajamas back on but I figured at least I was working on it and starting to live myself a little more a. I opened our front door onto our newly finished covered porch and despite the cold took my coffee and a blanket and sit in the swing a enjoy the clean crisp air of freshly fallen snow. it seemed relaxing and sort of healing to my should and heartache , and I looked out to the snow covered trees and saw five of the most beautiful cardinals , my grandmother loved and treasured Mother Nature and especially the birds, with cardinals and blue jays being her very favorite . I feel as if it's her sending me a sign of love and encouragement that she is with me in spirit . So that was one of those happy tear moments because her love was one of a kind and I could really use one of the visits with her, where she used to just sit and hold your hand and lightly uh your arms with her fingernails while telling stories that always seemed to amaze me at how they made me feel better . Took some great photos and I am going to edit them and post them when I learn how on here.
I have been reading a great book " wishing on baby dust" and it a wonderful story for ladies who are struggling to become mommies, but it also grabs your heart strings and makes you feel the pain of these families a, more so if you've been through one of these situations. I am almost finished and it is causing such strong emotions today that I had tears for the entire time I was reading and then the inertia of the anxiety , so I had to brake down and take half of my anxiety med , which I was completely off of since I found out about the pregnancy , and did not want to need it again. But I know my body and I knew I was sliding toward ps the wrong place. I chose to come here and pour my heart out and stop the story until I can release these emotions for a bit.
I asked I god to help me come to peace with his decision to take my baby back ? I am still struggling with the why us and why does he seem so cruel, we will never know the answer to those 2 questions
And it may be a good reason , maybe he's protecting us from something far more painful aa. At least that is what I tell myself to make it through the really bad days . I also read another post who said once she came to terms with the miscarriage she had a discussion with the baby and said its time for us to let go and begin to heal and she said that within an hour she had completely finished her miscarriage , now I am working on letting go even though my baby is gone and has been since the D&E , I wonder too if I gave my body and heart permission to let go would it help ?
Still taking the pregnitude powder in the morning and the ovaboost and cassava in the evenings and I haven't a noticed a huge change but I have seems to gotten he my appetite back ( isn't the side effect I wanted ) but maybe it's a sign that this may a help even a bit. I want to have another baby but what if the plan for me is to continue with the foster care program. I truly qbelieve I can make a child feel loved and treasured because I know what a miraculous gift they are, even if I have them for a short period of time, I have been having daydreams of that perfect little girl coming into our home and being ours forever , but I also want to be the woman who not only helps a child but can also help the parent and work with them and be in this as a pseudo family and not just the lady who has my baby, I know that won't always happen that way, but I r early want to try. I don't know if that was my last pregnancy, but I do know that I am not through nurturing and loving ,
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