waiting for the -

I have been taking pregnancy tests since the day after the D&E and hoping for the negative one ? Wowo that's a huge change in my normal routine ... This morning it was almost a negative - it didn't get the second line until after I had finished my shower , and I tested in the evening ( yep I have been testing more than once a day ) it took longer than ten minutes to get the 2nd line. I am assuming that's a good indication that the HCG is working it's way out of my system. I honestly did not want to be on this TTC trip again . I think the quit trying and it'll happen that you despise hearing when you're actively trying is what has worked for us. SO how do I now not be checking the signs and having timed sex ? How can I just let it be what it is ??? I truly want another child but I'm guessing that the quality of my eggs isn't great since the two times I have conceived naturally have ended in miscarriage. This time I will have the pathology report to know if it was chromosomal or something else. I wonder if knowing that info has ever put anyones mind at ease ? I have found some great books on my my kindle that are truly helping me get through this process. And I have practically been attached to a facebook group as if it's an oxygen line . I suppose it's because I see and hear so many stories like mine , of heartache and loss and misery loves company.  Yes I am the person who is extremely rudely jealous of a pregnant woman lately. ANd how am I to know if she hasn't been through much worse than I have to get the baby she has . I used to look at all newborns and pregnant women and wonder what her story was, but the past few weeks it has just been with jealousy and longing .
 We kept our 7 month old grandson last night and I truly didn't want to, because I was even upset that they could have this child and not really want the responsibility but I couldn't. I just gave him the love and TLC I wanted for my own child . He is my oldest son child. He is 20 and his gf is 18 - they aren't speaking to me at the moment . My second oldest son picks him up and brings him over to our house. As you may know or may not my oldest three are technically my stp-children but I've raised them since they were 1, 2, & 3 and 1/2 , so they are mine in every sense but genetics. My oldest has ODD and schizo-effective disorder and from his early teen years he was involved with drugs , stealing fighting and so much worse. I had to have him hospitalized on several occasions for some of his behavior. He was also a hadful in elementary school but I was told it was ADHD and the only way to fix it was medication. I just couldn't see making him take all that stuff they wanted him to. Maybe I was wrong and I am part of the reason he has so many issues now.But I can't change what is already done. He lives with his girlfriend and her two moms ( same sex marriage ) they are great ladies and I care about them . So long story short he has issues and he nor his gf are mature enough to handle the consequences og his actions , and I no longer bite my tongue and hope he just gets better. I am very outspoken to him and her when she gets her attitude, I will not let them disrespect me . They treat her moms very poorly , but my husband I have told them they have to stand p to him or he will treat them badly .