Maca

 Last night I took my first pill is the supplement form off maca. I've read some interesting and hopeful things about this " superfood" and I think I am going to give it a shot and see what heppens.  My research as in google, seems to be a promising nutrient for the whole body and not just hormonal support. I'm hoping that it does help hormonal issues as well.  It even claims to help with sleep and insomnia as well as weight issues. But it seems that the weight loss benefit would e best for those suffering from thyroid issues or adrenal fatigue . Which I believe all PCOS ladies have some degree of adrenal fatigue . That organ has to be exhausted from dealing with our confused hormone system. 

Cycle day & hopes and dreams

  Well I finally started my cycle after the miscarriage . I was happy to see it come about a month after the procedure . It was also kind of sad too. It was a reminder that the pregnancy had ended and the baby wasn't there . 

 And yesterday an aunt called that usually doesn't call and she asked how the baby was doing . No one had told her that I'd had a miscarriage . And I had to tell her and it was like remembering again .  

   We have our hone study tomorrow for the foster/ adopt process, and we have done a lot around the house and I'm still afraid it isn't going to be good enough. I have always been a worst case scenario person,mainly because that's generally how a situation ends for me.  I'm excited that this could happen for us though. I've thought of being a faster mom for a very long time and i am starting to think this is my purpose for life , and that maybe this is why I've known so much heartache and loss and issues <u></u>ht conception and pregnancy . So that I will be able to understand what a miracle and treasure children are. I am extremely grateful for my bio- son and my adopted step sons and the experience of bing their mommy ! I know I can give children an unconditional love and lots of TLC , and it reunification is the goal, then I hope that I can help the parents and not be an enemy to them .

Paul is going to return to his job at the old company that will have him working out  of town all week . I'm a little disappointed that this May Henderson the foster or adoption process. And it hurts because his response when I mentioned this was-- I will be making more money and I we can just do the adoption route ...uggggggggg -- we have done all the training and certification for the fostering to adopt process and I am happy about this direction our lives are going and he doesn't seem to think it matters ! 

I have always supported his dreams  through our marriage and never criticized them and let him be who he wanted to be . Just like now ,he's taking the pilot classes to get his license ( and that is a huge financial obligation $7,000) and it takes a large amount of his time, I have been telling him how proud I and him and even copied the notes from the instructors manual for him....so I'm feeling that support is one- sided in our relationship . My dream has always been to be a paramedic and ultimately a life flight paramedic. But I had to quit the rescue squad because he has extreme jealousy issues from a previous marriage. And I quit the volunteer fire department for the same reason . I tried various jobs in the healthcare field and the jealousy he displayed always made it unbearable for me to work.  Yet I've never given him a reason to be jealous !!!! So I'm a abut cynical at the moment and trying hard to work through this feeling . 

Follow-up today

  At 2:45 today I go to the OB for the pathology report and the follow up from the miscarriage and surgery. I'm so scared and nervous that I almost cancelled this morning. But I know that I can summon the strength to do this ! I know that somewhere inside I am strong enought to do this, I've made it through much worse after all. I have to go alone, well not totally alone Aiden will be with me ( he's 4 ) . I have no one to watch him while I go , so like everything else he and mommy will figure it out. I will always be someone he can count on ! I think having him with me will force to me not break down if the need arises, I wouldn't want to upset him . I want to know the results and I don't want to know. I know that it won't change anything, the baby is still gone and my heart is still broken. I guess I will just have to learn how to deal with the results no mater what they are. I blame myself anyway so I guess this would just add file to the fire if they tell me the baby was prefect and it was Qing of my conditions. But will it make it any better if they say their was something wrong with the baby, will I be relieved that god took it back because it wasn't perfect ??? I just don't understand all this pain and heartache , isn't enough we loose our child ??? Everyone tells me god has a plan and their is a reason for everything, abut that really offers no comfort whatsoever .  Maybe in the future it will but I still have no comfort in losing my baby girl in 2009 and they told me she was perfect , she was born because yet again a my ody failed, and I have incompetent cervix.. As if we don't feel horrible enough the medical community has to use the word incompetent !!!!

  We have been really busy getting the house prepared for the anime study, still haven't heard an exact date though . We have painted most of the walls that needed it and finished the baseboards and crown molding in the living room and hallway. We have some yard work to finish , thanks to the recent snow and rains some of the limbs broke off trees and we had to cut some trees down to prevent further damage, and now we have to burn those or take them to the garbage dump. Burning ism much easier because we won't have to load an unload the trailer   But when we burn them we will have to rake up the ashes so that it doesn't look messy 

Better each day

  Yesterday was a good day . I was in some major pain from whatever this constant ache in my lower abdomen/ pelvic area , but I didn't constantly think about where the pregnancy would be at this stage. And today I woke up at 5:30 and stayed up , I made Paul breakfast ( scrambled eggs and sausage ) and getting up wasn't like ltrying to lift a car up . It was easy !!!! I even made the coffe this early ( Paul's doesn't drink it just me ) and stayed up and then I was eating breakfast with him and it hit me... I wasn't as sad . Although it kind of made me sad to not BE SAD ... Guess that can only make sense to someone who has felt this way. I think I am on the upside of this healing process.YAY ... . Still concerned about this pain , i do have my follow-up on the 11th and I'm sure i can manage to deal with it until then. I'm very worried that I have cause an infection and hope that it's not something that won't heal on its own. I always fear that the doctor will tell me I need a hysterectomy .

      The living walls have a fresh coat of paint and they look clean and neat, it was sad to cover up the markings Aiden made ...I tried scrubbing them with every cleanser and gadget I could think of and they stayed , so I learned to live with them and even come to appreciate them as a custom design ...LOL 

Now we have to finish the molding and work on the main bathroom a little and except for some organizing and installing  the smoke detectors we are ready for the home study , well as ready as we can be. 

Busy Busy

   We have all been very busy getting things cleaned, organized and repaired before out home study in a few weeks. Paul & Austin are painting the living room tonight to cover up all the marks Aiden made through the years and the scuff marks and stains from all the spilled foods and drinks. It looks so fresh and clean. But it's also sad to see the memories just gone of his tiny hands and the adorable messy things he made.   I know it's crazy and I am so happy that it looks better . I hope that all this isn't for nothing. But of course if it doesn't work out at least the house will look better . I am positive that we won't pass the very first home study and that we will have a list of things we have to do and fix. My biggests fear is that they're going to come in and decide the home isn't decent enough for any child and then take my child away from ME .. Yes I know that's a crazy paranoid way to think ,but it's the things that go through my head 

   Been having some major pain in my stomach the past few days, I a worried about it and thought about going to the emergency room but I made an appointment with the OB or a follow up from the D&E and miscarriage. So I am going to try my best to wait until then and maybe even this will get better and I will realize that it is normal and nothing to be such a sissy about . Plus I also got my results from the bloodwork the cardiologist did. And man oh man my cholesterol is crazy high , so I know that he isn't going to be happy that I stopped taking the medicine when I was pregnant and never started it back. I don't really want to either but it looks as if that is the one medicine I really need to take . Unless I don't want to prolong my life on earth . Plus one of the results seemed a little high for kidney damage and I want to ask him about that one too 

Negative

Well the pregnancy test was finally negative , so I'm hoping that means all the HCG hormone is out of my system . Of course it could still be too high since pregnancy test only test positive or 25miu or more , but at least that means it's going the right direction . Then last night I had this horrible pain in my left side , it was almost making me double over, I thought it was probably an ovarian cyst or something messed up with my tube ( usually for me it's always the bad ) then as I was walking through the house to go get some ibuprofen, an app on my phone sent me a notification that this was my fertile window ???????-- I thought for a second and then said ok then let's see. And the the OPK showed two lines , I couldn't believe it . Now I have read that PCOS and OPKs aren't reliable together . But of course hubby's was worried about the pain and came to see if I was ok and he saw the test !!!!!! He shifted into some kind of reproductive master mode. Of course y'all know what we did ..... And he said don't move, don't sit up stay still --WOW where did this all come from , he hasn't said one word about trying again after the miscarriage , but apparently he does. So now I suppose we are going to try and pretend we aren't on that roller coaster every month ! And now I am gonna feel like I am letting him down every month if it doesn't happen and if it does the chances for another miscarriage are high and how could we handle that again ?   Why does Mother Nature have to be so cruel , for many years my body wouldn't ovulate when I was young enough to have quality eggs and a healthier body and now that I'm over 40 , I ovulate AND get pregnant but their is some issue that won't allow me to carry to term. Is it egg quality ? I have ordered and been taking a supplement ( ovaboost) that is supposed to help with that issue but surely if this cycle was successful it wouldn't be enough in my system to make a difference ! And the cassava I started at the same time , which is supposed to work like clomid and cause OHSS , it couldn't work that quickly-- could it ????? Guess we will have to just see what is in the stars for us .

    On to another part of our life , Aiden has caught a cold/ virus and been running a fever. He is four (5 in July ) and this will be only his second cold his entire life , once he had a near infection while we were staying in a motel with his father who was working out of town. But his immune system is usually pretty strong , so I'm trying to keep him hydrated and comfortable , while disinfecting the rest of the house to protect the rest of us . He woke up this morning and immediately asked for a Popsicle to make his mouth cool off .. Poor little guy ,breaks my heart that he's feeling crappy and I can't do anything about it !! And the snow is here and so prettying and he wants to go make a snowman! How do I say no -- we hardly get snow in NC and kids grow up so fast , what if I say no and miss out on some great memories he could have, and what if I say eyes and his cold becomes something more than a cold ???   The older boys were sick so much more when they'd were his age. Partly I believe because their lack of nutritional foods and that their dad smoked and their birth mom wasn't the healthiest person either so I'm assuming she didn't eat healthy while pregnant . I will never understand why women like her can have babies as easy as breathing and then take it and the children for granted. And I know all these amazing women  who struggle and eat as perfectly as they can just to be sure . 

After losing Allison in 2009 to incompetent cervix and then two IUIs to conceive Aiedin the next year, I made sure to eat as healthy as I could , when I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes at 14 weeks I ate EXACTLY like the nutritionist told me to ,I would carefully measure every morsel that went in my mouth . The entire pregnancy I cheated ONE time and ate a fun size snicker bar, the guilt from that tiny little bit of indulgence was so much that i was never tempted again to cheat. I had a list of foods that I could eat as much as I wanted and no worries, I remember celery, and green beans being on that list and I ate so many green beans that it's a wonder he wasn't born looking like the hulk !!!!!!! Ironically these are his favorite veggie now.

Attempting normal

well I woke up this morning and for the first time I didn't take a pregnancy test. I decided to wait another day and try to get back to a normal a routine an

Do hope the peace from all this comes soon. I showered and treated myself as if I were going somewhere special , yummy lottion , the special occasion perfume and applied make-up , even though I know I'm not leaving the drive due to the weather . I did out pajamas back on but I figured at least I was working on it and starting to live myself a little more a. I opened our front door onto our newly finished covered porch and despite the cold took my coffee and a blanket and sit in the swing a enjoy the clean crisp air of freshly fallen snow. it seemed relaxing and sort of healing to my should and heartache , and I looked out to the snow covered trees and saw five of the most beautiful cardinals , my grandmother loved and treasured Mother Nature and especially the birds, with cardinals and blue jays being her very favorite . I feel as if it's her sending me a sign of love and encouragement that she is with me in spirit . So that was one of those happy tear moments because her love was one of a kind and I could really use one of the visits with her, where she used to just sit and hold your hand and lightly uh your arms with her fingernails while telling stories that always seemed to amaze me at how they made me feel better .  Took some great photos and I am going to edit them and post them when I learn how on here.

I have been reading a great book " wishing on baby dust" and it a wonderful story for ladies who are struggling to become mommies, but it also  grabs your heart strings and makes you feel the pain of these families a, more so if you've been through one of these situations. I am almost finished and it is causing such strong emotions today that I had tears for the entire time I was reading and then the inertia of the anxiety , so I had to brake down and take half of my anxiety med , which I was completely off of since I found out about the pregnancy , and did not want to need it again. But I know my body and I knew I was sliding toward ps the wrong place. I chose to come here and pour my heart out and stop the story until I can release these emotions for a bit. 

  I asked I god to help me come to peace with his decision to take my baby back ? I am still struggling with the why us and why does he seem so cruel, we will never know the answer to those 2 questions 

And it may be a good reason , maybe he's protecting us from something far more painful aa. At least that is what I tell myself to make it through the really bad days .  I also read another post who said once she came to terms with the miscarriage she had a discussion with the baby and said its time for us to let go and begin to heal and she said that within an hour she had completely finished her miscarriage , now I am working on letting go even though my baby is gone and has been since the D&E , I wonder too if I gave my body and heart permission to let go would it help ?

   Still taking the pregnitude powder in the morning and the ovaboost and cassava in the evenings and I haven't a noticed a huge change but I have seems to gotten he my appetite back ( isn't the side effect I wanted ) but maybe it's a sign that this may a help even a bit. I want to have another baby but what if the plan for me is to continue with the foster care program. I truly qbelieve I can make a child feel loved and treasured because I know what a miraculous gift they are, even if I have them for a short period of time, I have been having daydreams of that perfect little girl coming into our home and being ours forever , but I also want to be the woman who not only helps a child but can also help the parent and work with them and be in this as a pseudo family and not just the lady who has my baby, I know that won't always happen that way, but I r early want to try. I don't know if that was my last pregnancy, but I do know that I am not through nurturing and loving ,