just me

  Yeah as you can see I am having some issues with loving me !! I have always had low self esteem 90 % of my life, I want to believe the good things I hear and I honestly yearn for those compliments,but they don't last long and then I am back to the why I'm not mode of thinking. I see others having what seems like the time of their life and doing what they seem to love and I envy them that feeling of contentment.  So what does that mean for me ?? I don't know --I wish I did . But what I DO know is that I need to start exploring some of my own interests and dreams. I tend to be a cheerleader or supporter for others and put my own dreams and hobbies on the backburner. I gave up my EMT and Firefighter lifestyle to be with my husband and his boys , he was a jealous partner and I truly loved him and being a mom to our boys . I do wish I would've learned how to balance the mix better and not just let mine go. But I did and maybe because I did I have this amazing 4 year old laying beside me sleeping this morning. ..So if I could change the past ..would I ????? What-if this miracle would've never happened ...
 Hubby is getting his pilot license and I am happy for him and Proud of him, but jealous also. Because if it were me who wanted to do something like this I doubt that he would support it. He wouldn't say no, but he wouldn't make it as easy and enjoyable for me as I have for him . I once mentioned that I would like to continue my EMT career path and his response asn't what I would have told him. he said we can try ...but I can't promise it won't cause us problems ---REALLY ???? What if I said those things to him, I think if I hadn't have been so easy going in the beginning then he would've had to choose to trust me and watch me flourish, or let me go...but as the issue has always been.. my self esteem wouldn't let me stand up for myself and fight for my dream. I just let his success be my success too . He makes sure he mentions that I benefit from his success, which I agree. But why don't I deserve to have a dream come true ?  I keep telling myself it's because I don't contribut anything financially to the home, and as he subtly reminds me , he could find another woman to clean the house and not have to hold a job . This makes him sound like a horrible person , but he isn't.. he is a great provider. And in the only way I think he knows how he is a great husband and father .
 I watch other people post on social media about the job they have is the dream of their life and they are loving every second of it, and then I see these independent women on Blogs etc talk about the adventures that they have and I earn for that sense of accomplishment. Would I want it if I had it, would I wish that I was at home every second of the day to do whatever I want ??? I have no idea .

Another cycle

Well, it's cycle day 2 and of course the endometriosis pain is horrible and practically unbearable . I can deal with it though. I have to keep telling myself that it will only last a few days and I can make it . The only medication that I take is ibuprofen , at the beginning of January whe I found out I was pregnant I stopped every medication and after the miscarriage I never started it again. I shrugged it off when the OB kept remarking on how strong I was and how he was in awe at the things I have Been through and the courage I showed. I never believed it because inside I felt as weak as a wet paper towel ( and not bounty either LOL) . But as time goes by I've though about his comments and that other people have said the same thing, and I've began to realize I AM.. So when I feel as if the atrocities of my day are too much to handle and I want to reach for pharmaceuticals to help, I repeat to myself that I am strong, and tough and I can handle this . Whether it be the horrible vise-like grip of endometriosis,, the gut wrenching spasms of Crohn's disease, the horrible diarrhea that keeps me feet away from a toilet , the I'm gonna surely die anxiety and panic attacks, or the I can't even breathe without wincing in pain fibromyalgia, or the numerous spine conditions--- I take a small amount of OTC medication to help and the tell myself --you got this-- it won't last forever -- you gotta kick in to beast mode and beat this -- and a you know what ??? It really works .. Most of my cycles I need Vicodin and soma  to survive the first 4 days, but since the miscarriage this is cycle number 4 and I never took one prescription pain med or muscle relaxer.. Heating pad , lots of water, some hot tea just to soothe me and 2-3 ibuprofen and a good movie or novel and I make it through !!! So yeah I may sound conceited but I am strong !!!!!! 

Toes in the sand

Woke up this morning to an ocean view and the salty smell in the wind blowing through the balcony air.... Aahhhhhhhh vacation ?? Nope but it's ok because if I am near an ocean I'm happy . My other in law had to come to Florida for a lawsuit and we bright her, so we booked a hotel in Clearwater beach and when we arrived they upgraded us to a suite !!!  They have great amenities and plenty of activities to do without having to leave the hotel property. But I have to walk the area and see the sites, and of course I have no choice , I have to find a local thrift or consignment store. It's my addiction and I have to feed this addiction . There we much worse thing to be addicted to I suppose. And I've managed to find great deals during my excursions. I love it when someone compliments and outfit or accessories that I've purchased second-hand . I have a low self esteem and I secretly crave these compliments. My other tells me that I would look nice in a potato sack.. Which coming from her is hard-earned because she doesn't have a maternal bone in her body !!!   

 We haven't yet made it to the sand and sea, Aiden was super happy to be at the kiddie pool and I want to see him happy , so we stayed at the pool . And had dinner at the restaurant in the hotel , and the most delicious Bloody Mary I've tasted in , well forever ! And tonight I am gonna try the tropical drink with the umbrella or the one in the bucket , maybe both !!! One around lunch and the other at dinner..why mot I am in the tropical areaso might as well.   

Odd symptom

 Today is only cycle day 13 and I'm already spotting . I don't remember ever doing this before , Except for a few cycles when I was on birth control period when I was 19 . I've been carefully monitoring and tracking my cycles since the miscarriage in February and this has me both puzzled and  worried ? Hubby and I had intercourse Thursday and I noticed spotting afterwards and we had intercourse  last night and this morning the spotting has been a little heavier than last time but not nearly enough for it to be a period . Well at least not so far anyway . So I'm worried that this is one of the signs of ovarian cancer , which has been a fear of mine for a long time. I have had abnormal Pap smears and once had treatment for HPV when I was 23, so I'm always wondering about ht reproductive cancers . I have had normal Pap smears for the last 9 years.  I am due for one actually overdue and was going to have it at the OB appointment when they discovered the baby had no heartbeat, and I'm guessing they chose to not do it so we could deal with the news. Part of me was and still is hoping it could be implantation, but I really doubt that's a possibility . I have been taking OPK and they have had two lines but the test line is never darker than the control line .

  Have some things planned for the next two weeks so I will have to wait to make an appointment and just hope for the best .   Wondering too if it could be still because of the miscarriage and my system is just confused ????

Maca

 Last night I took my first pill is the supplement form off maca. I've read some interesting and hopeful things about this " superfood" and I think I am going to give it a shot and see what heppens.  My research as in google, seems to be a promising nutrient for the whole body and not just hormonal support. I'm hoping that it does help hormonal issues as well.  It even claims to help with sleep and insomnia as well as weight issues. But it seems that the weight loss benefit would e best for those suffering from thyroid issues or adrenal fatigue . Which I believe all PCOS ladies have some degree of adrenal fatigue . That organ has to be exhausted from dealing with our confused hormone system. 

Cycle day & hopes and dreams

  Well I finally started my cycle after the miscarriage . I was happy to see it come about a month after the procedure . It was also kind of sad too. It was a reminder that the pregnancy had ended and the baby wasn't there . 

 And yesterday an aunt called that usually doesn't call and she asked how the baby was doing . No one had told her that I'd had a miscarriage . And I had to tell her and it was like remembering again .  

   We have our hone study tomorrow for the foster/ adopt process, and we have done a lot around the house and I'm still afraid it isn't going to be good enough. I have always been a worst case scenario person,mainly because that's generally how a situation ends for me.  I'm excited that this could happen for us though. I've thought of being a faster mom for a very long time and i am starting to think this is my purpose for life , and that maybe this is why I've known so much heartache and loss and issues <u></u>ht conception and pregnancy . So that I will be able to understand what a miracle and treasure children are. I am extremely grateful for my bio- son and my adopted step sons and the experience of bing their mommy ! I know I can give children an unconditional love and lots of TLC , and it reunification is the goal, then I hope that I can help the parents and not be an enemy to them .

Paul is going to return to his job at the old company that will have him working out  of town all week . I'm a little disappointed that this May Henderson the foster or adoption process. And it hurts because his response when I mentioned this was-- I will be making more money and I we can just do the adoption route ...uggggggggg -- we have done all the training and certification for the fostering to adopt process and I am happy about this direction our lives are going and he doesn't seem to think it matters ! 

I have always supported his dreams  through our marriage and never criticized them and let him be who he wanted to be . Just like now ,he's taking the pilot classes to get his license ( and that is a huge financial obligation $7,000) and it takes a large amount of his time, I have been telling him how proud I and him and even copied the notes from the instructors manual for him....so I'm feeling that support is one- sided in our relationship . My dream has always been to be a paramedic and ultimately a life flight paramedic. But I had to quit the rescue squad because he has extreme jealousy issues from a previous marriage. And I quit the volunteer fire department for the same reason . I tried various jobs in the healthcare field and the jealousy he displayed always made it unbearable for me to work.  Yet I've never given him a reason to be jealous !!!! So I'm a abut cynical at the moment and trying hard to work through this feeling . 

Follow-up today

  At 2:45 today I go to the OB for the pathology report and the follow up from the miscarriage and surgery. I'm so scared and nervous that I almost cancelled this morning. But I know that I can summon the strength to do this ! I know that somewhere inside I am strong enought to do this, I've made it through much worse after all. I have to go alone, well not totally alone Aiden will be with me ( he's 4 ) . I have no one to watch him while I go , so like everything else he and mommy will figure it out. I will always be someone he can count on ! I think having him with me will force to me not break down if the need arises, I wouldn't want to upset him . I want to know the results and I don't want to know. I know that it won't change anything, the baby is still gone and my heart is still broken. I guess I will just have to learn how to deal with the results no mater what they are. I blame myself anyway so I guess this would just add file to the fire if they tell me the baby was prefect and it was Qing of my conditions. But will it make it any better if they say their was something wrong with the baby, will I be relieved that god took it back because it wasn't perfect ??? I just don't understand all this pain and heartache , isn't enough we loose our child ??? Everyone tells me god has a plan and their is a reason for everything, abut that really offers no comfort whatsoever .  Maybe in the future it will but I still have no comfort in losing my baby girl in 2009 and they told me she was perfect , she was born because yet again a my ody failed, and I have incompetent cervix.. As if we don't feel horrible enough the medical community has to use the word incompetent !!!!

  We have been really busy getting the house prepared for the anime study, still haven't heard an exact date though . We have painted most of the walls that needed it and finished the baseboards and crown molding in the living room and hallway. We have some yard work to finish , thanks to the recent snow and rains some of the limbs broke off trees and we had to cut some trees down to prevent further damage, and now we have to burn those or take them to the garbage dump. Burning ism much easier because we won't have to load an unload the trailer   But when we burn them we will have to rake up the ashes so that it doesn't look messy